


Deep fried diet

by UnderZeWeather



Series: AU Jam [11]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Comedy, Elf Keith (Voltron), Human Lance (Voltron), Lance does not get paid enough for this, Lance's family - Freeform, M/M, Oni Shiro, Orc Hunk, Overweight, Supernatural - Freeform, exercise, getting fit, werewolf pidge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:22:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 73,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28253850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderZeWeather/pseuds/UnderZeWeather
Summary: In the city of Arus there is a health clinic known as the McClain health and wellness facility. It’s a family run business run of course by the McClain family. The clinic is open from 8:30am-6pm Monday to Saturday. Lance takes his job very seriously and does what he can to take care of his clients, even though he is a bit of a chubby chaser... However, he didn't expect to meet someone like Keith... An elf from another world with an addiction... to fries...
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Series: AU Jam [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893274
Kudos: 24





	1. Potato

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in Strawberry and Blueberry Jam under Modern fantasy AU. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

In the city of Arus there is a health clinic known as the McClain health and wellness facility. It’s a family run business run of course by the McClain family. The clinic is open from 8:30am-6pm Monday to Saturday. At the moment it’s 5:30 and the only people left at the clinic are Lance and Veronica McClain. The youngest and oldest girl respectively.

Veronic checked the books and hummed happily to herself. “Looks like we have one appointment left for today, and he’s all yours Lancy-Lance.”

Lance sighed a little as he looked through the appointment book. Don’t get him wrong he liked his job, but it was Friday and he wanted to go home already. Life was unfair. “I’ll give you fifty if you take them. Instead of me.”

Veronica scoffed. “No way. I’m already doing closing today. You gotta go and do this. Okay? Or do you want me to tell Mama that you’re slacking off again.”

Lance would have gone off on his big sister when they heard the jingle of the front door opening. The two of them paused and looked over to see a man wearing a dark red tracksuit. Not unusual for their clinic, but this person was also wearing a medical mask, large dark sunglasses and a beanie. This odd person was Lance’s last client.

Veronica patted his back. “Good luck little bro.” And like that she vanished.

Lance quietly swore to himself and walked over to the man with a clipboard. “Hi. I’m Lance McClain. Do you have an appointment today?”

The man nodded. “Um yeah. Keith… My um, my name is Keith Koagne.”

Lance nodded and looked at his clipboard. “Awesome. That all checks out. If you would follow me to one of the rooms?” Keith just nodded and followed Lance down the hall. Once they were settled down Lance happily looked over his clipboard again. “Alright. So Keith, before we start can you please take your mask and sunglasses off?”

Keith jumped a little in surprise. “Oh! Right! Sorry. Just used to wearing them when I leave the house, you know? I um, I haven’t been to one of these places before so I don’t really know how this works...”

The man’s eyes were grey, but when the light hit them right they were kind of purple. It was beautiful and stunned Lance into silence for a moment. Keith didn’t look half bad either. He was very cute. He cleared his throat and quickly looked down at his clipboard.

“Okay, just gonna go through some stuff… You signed up for the diet course, right?”

Keith blushed a little and nodded. “I um, yeah…”

“That’s good. I actually specialise in nutrition and do most of the diet planning here. Can you take your jacket off for me?”

Keith sighed a little and took off his jacket. His black shirt hugged him tightly. Lance could clearly see Keith’s love handles spilling over the side of his track pants. Keith didn’t look overweight, but he could lose a few pounds. And if Lance was perfectly honest he did kind of consider himself a chubby chaser, but he couldn’t let his physical preferences get in the way of his work. His client’s physical and mental health were his top priority.

Lance smiled and grabbed a pen. “Alright, so is there any part of your body that you are particularly concerned about?”

The other man pouted slightly and looked down at himself. “Well… My stomach is kind of bothering me the most and my thighs… I’m struggling to fit into my old pants.” He sighed sadly. “It didn’t used to be like this, back when I was running through hills and valleys, but ever since I came here I just…” The man started to look more and more depressed. “With a body like this, I’ll never be able to go back home to the forest…”

Now Lance couldn’t have this. He always tried to keep his clients positive. “Don’t say that. You just gotta keep your head up, stick your chest out, and before you know it you’ll be able to return home in no time… Did you just say forest?”

Keith gave Lance a confused look. “Yeah?”

“... Nothing.” Maybe Keith just lived in a town near a forest or something? Or had some family home near a forest? He didn’t really know, but he didn’t want to push Keith for any answers he didn’t need answers to. He was just here to help the cute chubby boy become a cute skinny boy. “A-anyway, there’s some information missing that we need to fill out. You forgot to let us know how old you were.”

Keith instantly became nervous. “I um… t-two hundred…”

“... Eh?”

“I-I mean twenty two!” He said quickly. “Twenty two… I um… I’m twenty two…”

“Right…” Lance quickly wrote down Keith’s age and put it down. “Alright, now if you could lay face down on the table there we can get started.”

Keith seemed to be taken aback. “Why?”

“Oh it’s just part of our service.” informed Lance. “Just a quick massage to help release any tension you have in your body. Nothing too in depth or intense. You did sign the waiver when you came in the other day and made an appointment at the front desk. But if you want to skip it I don’t mind. Some people aren’t comfortable with it.”

Keith frowned a little as he thought this over. “O-okay… Can I keep my shirt on?”

“Sure. Like I said it isn’t anything super in depth.” Said Lance. 

He watched as Keith got onto the table, and couldn’t help but smile a little when his shirt rolled up a little, showing off his love handles. The man quickly tried to pull his shirt down to hide it in embarrassment. Lance ignored it and put his hands on Keith’s back, gently pressing down on his spine with thumbs.

“AH!”

Lance immediately jumped back. “Are you okay?!”

Keith was bright red. “I-I’m sorry. Just um… I didn’t expect that… I um… First time I’ve had a massage before… You caught me off guard.”

“... Okay. Just tell me if anything hurts okay?” Lance continued to massage Keith, taking note of where there was tension and what points seemed to make Keith gasp and moan slightly as he tried not to squirm. It was so cute but Lance had to keep it professional. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.” Panted Keith. “K-keep going…”

Lance blushed a little and continued to massage him. He cursed himself for being bisexual and going into a line of work there he was around his prefered body type. Once the massage was over Lance stood back and cracked his knuckles.

“Okay, well that should…” He looked down at Keith and saw something he definitely shouldn’t have seen. Keith’s beanie had almost completely slid off of Keith’s head showing his ears were abnormally long and pointed. “... What? You have elf ears?”

“...”

The temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees. “I-I won’t tell anyone! I swear!” Said Lance as he quickly backed off.

Keith slowly sat up and glared at Lance, looking rather menacing, well as menacing as a chubby elf with their shirt riding up could be. “Well human… I guess I have no choice but to come clean… The truth is, I am an elf.” He got up and grabbed Lance by the front of his shirt. “And now you know what I am, you definitely have to help me now!”

Lance was silently freaking out. “O-Okay! Let’s just sit down and talk this out! H-helping people is my job!”

The elf glared at Lance for a few seconds before he let him go and sat back down, quickly adjusting his own clothes. “Okay, fine. So, I come from a different realm. Different realms are connected by different gates, but the asshole ancients that made the gates put some bullshit equivalency spell on them. So I need to lose weight to get home!”

Lance felt like his brain was shutting down. “Let’s back up a little, what is this equivalency spell?”

Keith sighed heavily. “The human world is full of so many amazing and interesting things so to stop illegal trading between worlds the spell was put in place. If one thing passes through one gate the same thing has to pass through.”

Lance nodded along as he tried to understand this. “Okay, so why are you here in the first place?”

The elf scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Why am I here? What kind of question is that? I came to this realm for the one and only reason anyone comes here. Food.”

“... Food?”

“Food.” He pouted and crossed his arms. “Humans live in luxury compared to where I come from. All the food in my world is either boiled or grilled. We’ve only just started using salt and pepper, and every other seasoning is scarce and only affordable to the rich! Even simple soup stock isn’t a thing! Food has no flavour!” Ranted Keith. “My race mainly eats vegetables. There’s no variety in our meals. I’m tired of raw and watery stews. Our salads have no dressings. We can’t compete with a world like yours! I could only dream of eating the kinds of things you humans take for granted.”

Lance stared at Keith completely dumbfounded. This elf came to earth to eat food. He literally came to earth because he was hungry and tired of his own world’s food. Not even some epic quest to save someone or get a magic item back. It was because he wanted food.

“Um… so is there any particular food you like?” Asked Lance.

Keith nodded quickly. He seemed to be really worked up now after his rant about his world’s lack of seasoning. “Crispy fried potatoes sprinkled with salt like the whitest snow, or garnished with rosemary or paprika. Smothered in sauces so delicious they could be used as soup… These treasures are already as pure as gold ingots! They are a fried treasure and you have the gall to call it junk food? French fries are manna from heaven! A divine food! A gift from the gods!”

“... You got fat from eating french fries didn’t you?”

“... Yes.”

Lance nodded. “I see… So um, I still don’t understand why you need to lose weight to get home.”

“The gate’s magic won’t let you go through again if you weigh more than you did when you went through it the first time…”

Lance was shocked. “Really? That… That’s an interesting spell…”

“Yeah…” Muttered Keith. “I um… I tried to get back into shape myself. I tried a strict diet of raw foods and did some brutal training. I ran twenty miles every day for a month. Did two hundred push ups, sit ups, and squats but nothing worked… The food here is too good… After a week of training and sticking to my diet I always end up cracking binging on fries and I put on more weight than originally had… So I figured I would come here and get help…” He sounded so ashamed of himself. Even his ears were drooping. “I just couldn’t help myself. The food here is really good, but I miss my family… And I’d never live it down if one of them came to find me and found out I was too fat to get through the gate…”

Lance smiled softly at the distressed elf. He was obviously dedicated to losing weight even if he had failed so many times before. He kept trying and hadn’t just given up and stuffed himself on fries.

“Alright Keith, I think I can help you.”

“Really?”

Lance grinned. “Yep. First things first we need to improve your eating habits. You have to stop eating french fries and switch to a balanced diet; three meals a day centered around vegetables.”

Keith looked horrified. “Potatoes are vegetables!”

“Look, you want to go home, right? You need to show some self-control and stop eating them until you’ve at least reached your weight loss goal.”

Keith glared at the ground as if in deep thought. “Do I really have to?”

“Look, dietary restrictions along with exercise and the diet course you signed up for are going to help you see results. So give it all you’ve got.”

“... If I only eat french fries once a day-”

“Give them up.”

And thus Keith Kogane started on his journey to change his lifestyle with Lance McClain. However, in this world of laziness, stress, and calories… Neither of them could have expected the tidal wave of people from another world just cresting the horizon.


	2. Dummy thiccc

After another day of hard work at the family health clinic, Lance was ready to head on home. The next day he had a P.T session with Keith. He normally wouldn’t do this, but Keith being an elf needed help from someone who knew their stuff and wouldn’t freak out about his ears. The inhouse P.T, his twin sister Rachel, would murder the poor elf boy. She was sure intense. At least with the first session to make sure she knew their boundaries.

Lance sighed a little as he walked down a street and his stomach started to growl. He needed some food. Preferably not a fast food place. Thankfully he first found a 24/7 convenience store. He could buy a few relatively healthy things. 

He walked into the store and looked over at the cashier. He was a tall man with long silver hair. His name tag said; Lotor. He nodded towards Lance. “Evening.”

“Evening.” Replied Lance. He quickly looked around the aisles for some food. He grabbed some instant ramen. Not the healthiest, but he had lots of fresh vegetables he could quickly chop up and add with it. Maybe boil an egg too?

He pulled back a large bowl of instant mi goreng and accidentally knocked some curry ramen onto the ground. He lightly cursed and went to pick it up when he saw something reaching out from under the shelf. It was small, spindly, and twig-like.

“AH!” Lance jumped back in shock grabbing his chest.

“Is something wrong sir?” Asked Lotor as he walked towards him.

“Ah, I um, I just saw something!” Cried Lance. “L-like some weird twig arm under the shelf!”

Lotor frowned. “So… you saw it huh?”

“... Eh?”

“I guess there is no other option…” He reached towards Lance with a menacing gaze. Lance closed his eyes and braced for impact because he was surely about to punch him or something. Instead Lotor quickly went about putting the ramen back on the shelf and handed Lance the ramen he wanted before quickly heading back behind the register.

Lance just kind of froze in shock. He almost fucking died. He needed to be less paranoid. He quickly went to the fridge and started looking for some juice. As he did so he heard Lotor greet a new customer. They went about their own shopping and Lance went about his. 

He turned around and stared in shock as he saw an all too familiar chubby elf in a black beanie. Keith was willing a basket with potato chips. “Keith?!”

The elf looked up at Lance in equal surprise. “Oh, Lance! How unexpected.”

“Yeah…” He looked down at the basket Keith was carrying. “Sea salt chips? Chicken? Sour cream and onion? Baked shrimp? Chili lime? Fried pickles with ranch? Roast chicken? Keith! You’re meant to be on a diet!”

“You said to stop eating french fries! These aren’t french fries and they come in so many different flavours!” Retorted Keith. “Look!” He held up a bag of cheddar and bacon chips. “Just look! A gift from the gods!”

“I thought you wanted to lose weight?”

“H-hey! By law elves have to eat potatoes on a regular basis!” Stated Keith. 

“Sounds fishy to me.”

“Like you know anything about elves anyway…” He looked over at Lotor. “Isn’t that right you no good dark elf!”

Lotor seemed surprised for a moment before he laughed and brushed his hair back, showing off his pointed elf ears that were similar to Keith’s. “I didn’t think I’d meet another elf here… But that’s right, I am a dark elf.” He stepped behind the counter and the two elves looked like they were about to square off.

Lance just wanted to buy his food and go home. “Um… Aren’t you both elves?” 

Keith scoffed. “Don’t you lump me in with this asshole!” He snapped. “Dark elves are monsters! They lend their powers to demons and poison the land! This man is nothing but a slutty, time-wasting, lying, sadistic, oni cock sucker!”

“Oh harsh words like that are unbecoming of a young elf man!” Snapped Lotor.

“Are you for real?”

“You’re nothing but a prideful pot bellied pig! Go back to the forest you chirping harpy! Go back to our world, you dough ball!”

“Ex-fucking-cuse me?!” Yelled Keith. “Say that again!” The two death glared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before Keith finally relented. “Going back to our world is more trouble than it’s worth right now… I’ll let it slide this time.”

Lotor huffed an annoyance. “Keeping my cool with you is for the best at the moment… I’m also a shelf stocker so I apologise for the inconvenience.” He went back behind the counter as Keith put his basket down.

“Ring this up.”

“Right away sir.”

Lance was shocked by how quickly the elves went from trying to murder each other to bing sivle with each other. Once Lotor was done scanning everything he smirked at Keith with a devilish grin.

“That will be twenty nine, ninety five. Sorry but we have no bags.”

Keith stared down at the large pile of potato chips he would have to carry home. He growled and glared at Lance. “You see? This is what these black-hearted fucks do. They live to cause misery for everyone around them.” He handed over his money to Lotor who quickly gave him Keith’s change in coins. Instead of putting them in his hands he dropped them from a height and they all bounced off the counter top and onto the floor. “... SON OF A WHORE!!!” Keith quickly got down on his knees to grab his coins.

“... Wasn’t that a bit mean?” Asked Lance.

Lotor frowned and gave Lace the side eye. “I almost forgot about you… You’re on his side, right?”

“Um not really, I-”

“Well if that’s the case…” A menacing aura started to surround Lotor.

Lance gulped and quickly explained how he was a nutritionist and was helping Keith lose weight. “So basically I just give Keith medical treatment!”

Lotor listened to him and slowly nodded. “I see… But you are still on Keith’s side. If you want to stay neutral, why don’t you help me solve my problem too?”

Lance gulped. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he said no. “I-I suspect your problems are body related?”

“Unfortunately yes…” Muttered Lotor. “Dark elves are black magic experts. When we use magic we wear special ornaments and clothes to increase our energy but… Well it’s better if you look…” There was a small flash of light and Lotor was no longer wearing his regular work clothes, he was wearing extremely tight leather fetish gear. Lance instantly noticed Lotor’s problem. Lotor was dummy thicc. Like hella dummy thicc. He bent over slightly and there was a loud rip as the leather completely ripped off his ass. There was another flash of light and Lotor was back in his uniform “... So yeah… That’s my problem.”

“I see…” Lance thanked whatever god there was out there that he could thank for letting him see a thwunk dark elve’s dummy thicc ass.

“So, as a result I’m lacking in magical power.” Said Lotor calmly. “And because of that I can only summon and control one shadow minion. It’s making work difficult. We can’t afford other employees…”

“Oh, was that the thing I saw before?”

Lotor nodded. “Yes. Which is why I need you to lend me your power! Help me recover my magical power and make my ass small again! So will you help me?”

“... Sure. You got a chair?” Lance was always ready to help someone when he could. Lotor grabbed a chair and sat down on it. He may or may not have hit Keith with the chair as he was still trying to find all his change.

Lotor sat on the chair and Lance kneeled in front of him. He gently held one of Lotor’s legs in his hand and started to massage his calf. He could instantly tell one thing that was wrong with Lotor. “... What are you doing human?” Asked Lotor.

“Your calves are extremely bloated.”

“Bloated?!”

“Standing for long periods of time has inhibited your circulation.” Said Lance. “You don’t exercise much do you?”

“Eh…”

“Because you don’t exercise enough you’ve seen a decline in muscle strength.” Said Lance. “The weakened muscle doesn’t have the strength to move blood, lymph fluid, and the like so it starts to swell. Lotor it’s not just your butt, bit your whole lower half is being neglected… In the meantime, I can do a makeshift treatment. Would be better if you lied down though…”

“I refuse to lie with you.”

“Not what I meant. Anyway… Here we go...” Lance very carefully placed his hands on Lotor’s calf, and squeezed.

“AHHHHHHH!!!”

“Oh sorry!” Said Lance quickly. “Your muscles are pretty stiff so like it might hurt…. I’ll massage it out.”

Lotor looked pissed. “You little shit.” He growled. “We agreed to make my butt smaller. Not leave me in extreme pain…” Lotor shoved the chair back and stomped towards Lance looking pissed as fuck. “You son of a whore. Dark elves are well versed in the art of physical totrure!”

“Oh shit!” Squeaked Lance.

Suddenly a look of confusion washed over Lotor’s face and he looked down at the leg Lance had squeezed. “...My leg feels light? How in the...”

Lance quickly started to apologize. “I’m sorry! I used the minimum amount of force! Some pain is bound to happen but it gets results.”

Lotor still seemed confused. “Is this some kind of black magic?”

“It’s a massage technique.”

‘Will it make me thin?”

“It’ll reduce swelling.” Said Lance. “If possible I’d recommend a massage every day after a bath or after a workout. You could try doing some strength training too. It’s good for your muscles and will help prevent swelling. It’ll help boost your metabolism and burns fat, which will help shape your butt. You can also do calf raises and front lunges. 5-10 reps for 2-3 sets should work out well.” Lance quickly demonstrated these things for Lotor

“Huh, I can do these while I’m on break.” Said Lotor with a confident grin.

Lance smiled. “Yeah. Oh squats are good too. Correct form is important. You gotta tighten your glutes and drop your hips.”

“Like this?” As Lotor performed a squat in his work pants, Keith sat up, having finally found his last coin. He looked up just in time to get a face full of Lotor ripping a huge hole in his pants. He was wearing panties.

Keith suddenly burst out laughing “... Holy shit! Bubble butt wears purple lace panties! Holy fuck! It looks like a walrus trying to use dental floss!”

Lotor went red with embarrassment. “Well what about you? You pot belly pig! If you weren’t wearing sweatpants your ass would look like it’s eating boxers! Someone as fat as you shouldn’t be laughing at me!”

“At least my ass doesn’t have its own gravitational pull!”

“Yeah, the pull is around your stomach! Your belly bulges out like a croaking frog!”

“Fuck you my stomach is hot!”

“My ass is cute!”

“Hey human, don’t you prefer my body type?” Snapped Keith.

Lance jumped in shock. “Wait what?!”

“No way, having a fat ass is better than looking like a hippo! Human, which body type is superior?”

Lance just stood there, kind of shell shocked. He was a chubby chaser. He loved anyone and everyone with a bit of extra pudge. Dummy thicc booties, squishy bellies, tribble D’s he loved them all. This was like asking if he liked left leg chicken drumsticks or right leg chicken drumsticks. They were the same thing.

“I um… You’re both handsome as you are.” He said. “Like, lots of people, guys and girls are into chubby people. And because of that each body type has their own best feature’s right? If you want to lose weight and meet your goals you… Wait, why are you two looking at me like that?”

The two elves were now whispering to each other and giving Lance the side eye. “You know… Now that he mentions it…” Muttered Keith.

“The way he was staring at us…” Muttered Lotor.

“No wait! Listen!” Whined Lance. “I’m not a pervert!”

Keith sighed and picked up his chips. “Whatever. I have my chips. I’m going home.”

“Okay, take care.” Said Lotor.

“... How the hell are you two on friendly terms again?!”


	3. Sauna hell

Keith continued to work with Lance to try and improve his weight. Even though the human kept trying to get him to stop eating french fries and potatoes in general. If potatoes didn’t want to be eaten they wouldn’t be made out of food. But that was just his opinion.

He had just finished up his appointment with Lance that ended with Lance giving him a massage to help with his sore muscles. Around the end of his massage one of the other people working at the clinic walked in. A tall, skinny man that was at least a head taller than Lance walked in grinning.

“Sorry Lance, didn’t realize you were with a client.” He said.

“We were just finishing.” Said Lance and he stood back. “Keith, this is my big brother Marco. He does most out of clinic bookings and stuff. Like if we have enough demand for using a pool he organises it with the local public pool and stuff.”

Keith nodded as he readjusted his beanie. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Said Marco before he turned his attention back to Lance. “So, remember how some of our older clients had asked about going to saunas and stuff? Well I talked to the place and they are willing to trial this out for a month. Even willing to have the place opened up late since most of our clients have regular nine to five jobs.”

“Oh cool! I’ve been asking mama about doing something with them for ages.” Said Lance.

Keith frowned. “What’s so good about saunas?”

“Well firstly they help increase your circulation.” Said Marco. “The increased blood flow also helps reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease. Your metabolism also speeds up and it helps you lose weight. Sweating also helps flush toxins from your body, and most importantly, it helps you relax.”

Lance nodded in agreement. “Yep they… Keith, would you be interested in going to one?”

The elf shrugged. “I haven’t been to a sauna before. Hot springs, yes, but not a sauna.”

“Well it’s a traditional Swedish sauna.” Said Marco. “You just need to read the rules on sauna edicate before you go in. The people there are nice… But there is one catch.”

“Oh no…” Muttered Lance. “Marco, don’t.”

His older brother smirked. “There is a rumour…”

“Don’t.”

“They say when the clock strikes midnight a huge troll enters the sauna and hunts down anyone and eats them!”

Keith raised an eyebrow. “What a weird rumour.”

***

The next night Keith found himself outside the Mountain Avens Swedish sauna. He asked Lance if he was going to go with him, but the human just blushed and declined. Something about him being too immature to go to one of those places. Though he might drop by later to see how everything went.

Keith didn’t get the whole immature thing, but he didn’t mind. He went inside, talked to the lady at reception and they gave him a towel after getting him to read the rules and edicate for their sauna. Keith went to the change rooms, stripped naked as per the rules, and he walked out to the baths.

He got into the water and sighed contently. It was nice and warm and he could just feel any and all tension in his body melting away. And that was before he even got into the sauna. There was a lot of steam in the room so Keith didn’t notice he wasn’t alone until he heard a splash.

Keith jumped a little and squinted his eyes until he recognised a very familiar dark-elf. “Fat ass!”

Lotor jumped in shock. “Pot belly!”

“The fuck are you doing here?”

“I came here to relax!” Snapped Lotor. “I heard going to saunas help you lose weight… Which is why you’re here too aren’t you?”

“... Maybe.” Keith huffed and got out of the water. “Whatever I just came here to use the sauna.”

“Hey! I came here to use the sauna!”

“What? You need to steam that fat ass of yours?”

“Like you need to steam your potato belly!”

“No way, I am not going to share the sauna with you.” Snapped Keith. “I came here to relax. I can’t relax if you’re here too!”

“Fuck you, I was here first.”

“Well fuck you, Lance recommended that I come here.”

“He recommended I come here too!”

Keith froze. “Wait… Are you seeing Lance for weight loss treatment too?”

“Yes. Why? I don’t see why the human should just be helping you.”

Keith felt betrayed by this, but he didn’t know why. He’d have a talk with Lance about helping evil dark-elves later. For now he had to get this dark-elf out of the sauna. If there was one thing that all elves were deep down at heart, it was competitive.

“Sauna competition.” Said Keith. “Whoever stays in the sauna the longest wins and the loser has to leave and never come back.”

“Deal.”

The two quickly went to find the sauna, but checked the temperature dial outside before they opened the door. It was 120°C or 248°F. Both elves dropped their jaws in horror. This wasn’t a sauna, it was the gateway to hell. 

“What kind of monster would withstand that kind of torture?” Whined Keith.

“H-how is this actually good for your body?” Asked Lotor.

Keith glared at Lotor. “Hey! Lance has our best interests at heart! H-he wouldn’t tell us to go here if this was bad for us, right? Just suck it up and get in there!” Keith pulled open the door and blasted Lotor with a wave of hot steam.

“Mother fucker!” Cried Lotor as he tried to hide behind his towel.

“Wow, you two are really loud…” Grumbled a deep voice from deep inside the sauna. The two elves froze and looked into the room. Hunched over on one of the benches was a large looking man. His hair was black but he had a shock of white hair sticking to his forehead. Poking out of his forehead were two small horns. 

“Ah shit, it’s a troll!” Cried Lotor.

The troll chuckled a little as he wiped some sweat from his brow. “I prefer oni. You know, I didn’t expect to meet any elves here. I don’t mind you being loud, but can you close the door, you’re letting the cold in.”

Keith frowned and squinted his eyes. “... Shiro?”

“... Keith?”

“Shiro!” Keith happily walked into the sauna and almost died of instant heat stroke. Shiro quickly grabbed him, put Keith’s towel down on the bench and sat Keith on it. “Thanks…”

“No problem. You coming in too elf boy?” Shiro asked Lotor.

Lotor sighed and also walked into the sauna, closing the door behind them. Both elves looked like they were about to die. “Why is it so damn hot in here?” Whined Lotor.

Shiro chuckled. “Sorry about that. Us oni like it hot. Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you Keith, how are you? Who is your friend?”

“He’s not my friend!” Snapped Keith. “That’s Lotor. A dark-elf… and an asshole.”

Lotor rolled his eyes and wiped some sweat off his face. “Shut up love handles.”

“Wide load.”

Shiro smiled and shook his head. “Ah, some things never change… Anyway, it seems a little excessive to see two elves come to this world just to use a sauna.”

Keith raised an eyebrow. “I could say the same about you. You’re here so much that there’s a rumour going around about you chasing and eating people.”

“What? Really?”

Lotor leaned back and started to fan himself. “So hot… Are oni typically known for their love of saunas?”

At that Shiro got a sheepish look on his face. “Oh I um… We’re actually pretty well known for our love of alcohol… Which is kind of why I am here…” He sat up straight and showed off his developing beer belly. “The alcohol here is so good. I always go overboard. Humans make the best kinds of drinks. Beer, vodka, sake, tequila, it’s all too delicious… And it’s not difficult to come by. It’s not like I have to brew it for months just to have a small bottle at a festival.”

“I totally get it.” Said Keith. “Humans make the best stuff.”

“You two have no self control.” Muttered Lotor.

“Shut up asshole!” Snapped Keith.

***

After about twenty minutes Shiro had to carry the heat stroked elves out of the sauna and the group went to get drinks. The sauna for some reason had an open bar and Shiro might have been chugging the largest alcoholic drink he could get while Lotor chugged a jug of water and Keith chugged a jug of sprite.

It was at that moment when Lance decided to walk in. He was a little surprised to see Shiro. “Hey guys. Glad you came. Who is your friend?”

Shiro gave the elves a questioning look. Keith shrugged. “Shiro, this is Lance. He’s the human helping me and bubble butt lose weight… Maybe he can help you too?” He looked up at Lance. “So this is Shiro. He’s a friend of mine from my world. He’s an oni.”

Lance looked surprised for a moment before he smiled at Shiro. “Sure. What can I help you with?”

Shiro leaned back in his chair and put his hand on his stomach. “I um… I kind of drink just a bit too much…”

“Ah, the classic beer belly.” He handed Shiro a card. “Here. Make an appointment with me and I’ll help you get started.”

“Thanks. Why don’t you sit down and have a drink with us?” Asked Shiro. 

Lance smiled and happily sat down with them. “Sure. It’s always good to stay hydrated after using a sauna.”

Shiro nodded in agreement. “Yep. How about a round of beers to celebrate?”

“... How about water instead?” Suggested Lance.


	4. Tater tots

On a warm refreshing summer’s day, Lance had organized a group training day with his supernatural clients. He managed to somehow get them to agree to a light bit of cardio through a popular running trail for beginners at a park. Much to his surprise, Keith was easily keeping pace with him while Shiro and Lotor were lagging behind. Shiro looked like he was going to puke and Lotor looked about ready to lie down and die.

“Pick up the pace you two!” Snapped Keith. “This isn’t that hard. Seriously how hard is it to keep up at a light jog?”

Lance rolled his eyes. Keith was not this enthusiastic about running before when he mentioned it. However, Keith quickly changed his tune when he realised that there was a fish and chips shop at the end of their run. Lance didn’t like it, but if it encouraged Keith to exercise he would work with it.

They were about fifteen minutes into their jog when Shiro quickly leaned against a tree and vomited. Lance jumped in shock. “Are you okay?”

“I’m hungover…” Mumbled Shiro. The oni was what a normal human would describe as a functioning alcoholic. Lance just wondered how much an oni could drink before they got drunk or hungover? The answer was probably too much. Way too much.

“... If you’re hungover then maybe you should go home?” Suggested Lance.

Lotor took this opportunity to lean against a tree completely opposite of Shiro. The dark-elf was severely out of shape too. “Life in this world is nothing but pain…”

“Hey! Move your asses already! Be in pain on your own time!” Snapped Keith.

Lance sighed and shook his head. “Look, there are some benches up ahead. We can take a time out up there. You guys are doing really well. Don’t listen to Keith. He’s an asshole.”

Keith gasped in shock. “Excuse me?!”

Lotor smirked. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. That little pot belly isn’t going to phase me.”

Shiro washed his mouth out with his water and spat it out. “Yeah. I’m used to Keith’s outbursts.”

“I don’t have outbursts!” Snapped Keith.

Lance rolled his eyes and jogged towards the benches. About three minutes later the others were there too. Shiro and Lotor still looked dead, but Keith still wanted to get going. The power of potatoes was strong with this one.

Shiro sighed heavily. “Well considering I’m hungover I think I might actually head home… buy some aspirin or something…”

“I can sell you that.” Said Lotor quickly. He seemed very eager to get out of this.

“Cool. Are you okay with us cutting this short, Lance?” Asked Shiro.

Lance nodded and waved for them to go. “You guys did really well. Maybe next time we can go for a little longer?”

The dark-elf and oni quickly left, leaving Lance and Keith. Keith looked annoyed. “I can’t believe they would pass up chips to just go home? That’s bullshit! Can you believe it human?”

“Yes.”

“... Well fuck you too then.” 

***

The two of them continued on their jog through the park. They passed under trees and over bridges. Even under a few bridges too, but Keith still looked upset. And not upset because they were doing cardio. Lance was about to ask him what was wrong when Keith just blurted it out.

“Those lazy assholes! And after you invited them to do this too!” He snapped. “I thought they were coming to you for help, not to be lazy and slack off! This is bullshit.”

“...” Lance sighed and gently patted Keith’s back. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You shouldn’t push someone too hard when it comes to exercise. They’d only end up hurting themselves and then they would need time off to heal. Eventually they came to a fork in the road and Lance decided to let Keith choose. “Alright, right or left?”

Keith shrugged, still in a pouty mood. “No one goes down the right path… But I know it like the back of my hand.”

With that ominous bit of information Lance followed Keith down the right path. He didn’t think he had taken this path before. The trees were a lot thicker and unkept than the rest of the park. Eventually the two of them walked under a bridge with a heavily graffitied door. It had high voltage stickers and warning labels on it so it probably housed a transformer of some sort. However the graffiti said; **Parallel World Entrance. Welcome :D**

“And this is the way back home.” Said Keith casually.

Lance paused and looked at the door. “Are you serious? Is this really where you guys come from? You’re not joking?”

Keith shook his head. “Nope. This is the door to my world.”

“... So just on the other side is?”

“Yep.”

“... So I could just open the door and go to the other world?”

“Only if you have magical power.” Said Keith. “If you don’t have magic there’s nothing but some weird magic, electrical box in there.”

“A transformer?”

“It didn’t transform.”

“That’s not what I… Never mind.” Lance wondered how Keith had survived for so long in the human world.

Keith shrugged and started to jog again. “Whatever, let’s get moving. I need to lose weight if I ever want to get back home.”

“Right!” Lance jobbed behind him. 

Even though he was fast enough to easily overtake him, Lance did take the time to appreciate Keith from behind. He was wearing tight leggings under his red shorts and a dark shirt that was slowly riding up a little, showing off his love handles. If Lance wasn’t on the clock he would have probably hit on him. Maybe taken Keith out for coffee. 

After a while Lance started to recognise things again and gasped. “Keith! We have to stop!”

“Huh? Why?” Asked the elf.

“Dog park!” Lance pointed to a large fenced off field. Keith loved dogs but his apartment wouldn’t let him have one, so he loved dog parks.

The two of them paused for a moment and looked to see if there were any dogs in the dog park. There was one. A large, light brown, maybe auburn, labrador. They were by themselves and looked like they were walking from one side of the dog park to the other. No human in sight. 

“... This isn’t good.” Said Lance. “Where is their owner?”

Keith shrugged. “Don’t know.”

“I’m going to see if they have a collar…” Lance jumped the fence and walked over to the dog. Keith quickly followed behind him.

The dog saw them and cautiously walked over, but stayed a good distance away from them. They weren’t coming any closer and backed away when they tried to keep closer. Lance couldn’t see their collar.

“... We need to get closer.” Muttered Lance. 

Keith shrugged and took a tater tot out of his pocket. “This should do it. Nothing alive can resist something as delicious as a potato.”

Lance’s jaw dropped. “... Where the fuck were you hiding that? Actually, I don’t want to know.”

Keith tossed the tater tot towards the dog. It immediately perked up and looked like it was running towards the food, but it was so slow. It tore into the tater tot when it got to it and happily walked over to them. 

Lance grinned and happily patted them. “Aw, so cute!”

“... Do you think it wants more of my tater tots?” Asked Keith.

Lance shrugged and happily patted the dog. “Maybe? Who knows. Aw, you’re a bit of a hecken chonkers? Aren’t you? Aw, animals are so cute when they are fat.” He crouched down and started patting the dog. “Aw, who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl? You are. Yes you are!”

“... Are you okay Lance?”

“I really love animals.” Said Lance as he continued to give this dog all the love. After a while the dog started to squirm and walk away, but Lance was much too quick and always managed to grab hold of the chonky dog.

“S-STOP IT!” Howled a distressed voice. The dog that Lance had been petting and cuddling had turned into a chubby person with dog ears and tail. Lance paused and looked up at them before quickly letting go and jumping back. 

“Ah! A dog person!”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Obviously. You really couldn’t tell they were a lycanthrope?”

“You knew and didn’t tell me?”

The lycanthrope pouted as their ears pinned back flat against their head. “Fuck off you creepy molesting human!”

“I-I wasn’t molesting you!” Cried Lance in horror.

“Yes you were!” They snapped. “You and that gross oil stinking elf.”

“... The fuck did you just call me?” Growled Keith.

“Just go away!” They barked. “You’re interrupting my exercise!”

Lance raised an eyebrow. “Exercise? A-anyway. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Lance and this is Keith. What’s your name.”

“... Pidge.”

Keith smirked. “Pudge?”

“PIDGE!” They huffed. “It’s not my fault I’ve gotten fat… When I’m around humans they bring me more tributes than I can handle. I can’t bring myself to save it for later so I just… I eat everything I get given so I’m running with all my might every day. It’s the fault of humans I’m getting fat. They only ever feed me really fattening things.”

“... You call that running, Pudge?” Asked Keith. “But you do have a point, humans are solely to blame for everyone’s increasing waste line.

“Glad a pot bellied pig is able to see my point of view.”

“FUCK YOU!”

Lance sighed and tried to get between them. “Calm down Keith… Sorry about before. I um, I wasn’t trying to do anything bad to you. I was trying to give you a massage. It can really help with weight loss when included in a strict diet and exercise regimen.”

“Okay…” Said Pidge quietly. “But running sucks… My body feels really heavy…”

Lance frowned a little when they said that. “That’s no good… How about some stretches?” He managed to get both Keith and Pidge to lie down while he talked them through some stretches meant to help with their stomach. “It’s important you find a good place to stretch where you feel comfortable, even if you find it hard. You can slowly start to see results if you stretch for 5-10 minutes a day.” Said Lance. “Stretches that involve the hips are best since that’s an area with dense muscle. You gotta steadily loosen your muscles so you can drain your lymph.”

The two supernatural creatures did a few more hip stretches before Pidge sat up and wagged her tail. “Holy shit… My body is all warmed up now.”

Lance grinned and nodded. “Yep. Stretching is always good. I always recommend it if you give up on a workout.”

“Huh… Thanks for that Lance.” Said Pidge. “I guess I forgive you for grabbing me like that. Just don’t do it again.”

“I won’t! I promise! I am so sorry!”

Keith rolled his eyes and offered some tater tots to Pidge. “Here. Let’s just eat this and agree that all’s forgiven?”

“... Deal.”

The two creatures happily ate the tots while Lance quietly weeped that they weren’t going to lose any weight if they kept eating that crap. Also, where the fuck was Keith getting those tater tots from?


	5. Floating pigs

In this world, stress, lack of exercise, and high calorie foods have caused waste lines to bulge for both humans and supernatural creatures. Which is why Lance has gathered his increasingly expanding group of supernatural beings to the 24hour gym to use the swimming pool. He was thankful that the four of them had agreed to do this.

After getting them to do their stretches, Lance happily clapped his hands. “Alright, we’re going to be swimming some laps in the lanes today. Anyone have any experience swimming before?”

Pidge rolled her eyes and snapped on her swimming cap and goggles. “Any experience he asks? I’m a lycanthrope. Of course I can swim. Watch this.” She quickly climbed into the water and started to doggy paddle. “See? I can swim.”

“... So slow.” Whispered Lance.

Keith sighed as he snapped his own swimming cap on. “Why are we here anyway?”

“Probably just wants an excuse to ogle us.” Said Lotor. “The human does seem to like larger individuals.”

Shiro raised an eyebrow. “He does?”

“That’s not true!” Whined Lance. “Swimming and dieting work really well in combination! Moving underwater uses a lot of energy compared to moving on land. You have to use a balance of all your muscles to fight water resistance. Also, because of the body’s buoyancy it places minimal stress on your joints which reduces pain. Lots of older people and people recovering from joint injuries do it.”

Keith seemed to get it. “Oh I see… The eat more calories, burn more calories strategy.”

Shiro shook his head. “Maybe you should try the; hold back on the fries strategy.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry. How many cases of beer did you drink last night? I don’t tell you how to live your life.”

Lotor just smirked. “Well, swimming is perfect for me, but that balloon of an elf is much too buoyant to stay in the water.”

“... The fuck did you just say to me wide load?” Snapped Keith. “You’re one to talk! Your ass is so heavy you’ll just sink like a stone!”

“My ass is not that heavy you spiteful witch!”

“Oh fuck you!” Keith pointed to the end of the pool. “First one to the otherside wins!”

“Deal!”

The two elves quickly climbed up onto the platforms and got into a diving position. “Call it Lance!” Snapped Keith.

Lance just shook his head. “Three, two, one, go.”

“Um, this is a bad idea…” Said Shiro just as the two dived into the water.

“Why?” Asked Lance.

The oni pointed to the elves who had both sunk to the bottom of the pool like stones. “Elves can’t swim.” He got into the pool and quickly tossed out the two almost drowned morons.

“Th-that isn’t water…” Wheezed Lotor.

“It burns…” Whimpered Keith. “It isn’t even seawater… Human water is cursed…”

“The pool is chlorinated you idiots!” Snapped Lance. “And you two should have told me you couldn’t swim! What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you just dive in?”

Keith and Lotor flipped Lance off as they continued to lay on the ground. 

“It’s an elf pride thing.” Said Shiro. “Elves and dark-elves are known for being stubborn and bull-headed.”

Lance fought the urge to strangle them both for their stupidity. He took a deep breath and sighed. “Alright, okay… Walking underwater is just about as effective as swimming. So just do that instead. Walking while swinging your arms around is all you need to do a tough full body workout. When you guys don’t feel like you’re dead anymore, get back in there and to thirty minutes of water walking.”

“Okay…” Muttered Keith as he sat up.

“Fine…” Grumped Lotor.

Lance smiled a little and looked over the pool. “Okay find an empty lane and… Huh?” Over the far side of the pool was a dark skinned, heavy set man doing breaststrokes. He breached the water and climbed out of the pool. “Oh, I didn’t see him come in…”

The man got out of the water and patted himself off with his towel before he took off his goggles, but kept his swimming cap on. He looked over at the group standing off to the side and waved at them. Lance waved back and the man walked over.

“Hey there buddy.” He said. “You don’t normally see people using the pool around this time. I’m Hunk.”

Lance grinned and shook his hand. “Hey man. I’m Lance. This is Lotor, Keith, Shiro and… Pidge is still swimming in her lane.”

After introductions were done; Lotor, Shiro, and Keith hopped into the pool to do the water walking that Lance told them to do. While this was happening, Hunk and Lance sat to the side and started talking. Hunk was a really friendly guy.

“How long have you been coming here?” Asked Lance. “Sorry if we’ve been making such a racket.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I only just recently moved here.” Said Hunk. “I haven’t made many friends yet, so I’m a little jealous of you guys. You all seem to be getting along pretty well.”

“...” Lance looked over at the trio in the water. Shiro was making great strides while Keith and Lotor kept reaching over into each other’s lanes and tried to drown each other. “Yep… We’re getting along pretty well.”

They continued to talk until the half hour was up, and the trio crawled out of the water. Lotor and Keith’s legs were shaking pretty badly. Shiro seemed pretty tired, but he was nowhere near as wrecked at the two elves.

“Are you two okay?” Asked Lance.

“Yeah…” Muttered Keith. “I’d prefer an easier weight loss method though…”

“Clean up your diet.” Said Lance.

“Suck my dick.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Well, you know, you could improve your diet if you start adding some high quality protein… Like pork thigh and fillet.” He was Cuban and loved his pork. Sue him. “Like, as long as you don’t have some dietary restrictions or can’t eat it for religious reasons I highly recommend it.” 

“... Pork?” Asked Hunk quietly.

Lance smiled and nodded. “Yep. “It’s rich in nutrients like vitamin B1 and carnitine. I have a few recipes you might like to try if you want to add pork into your diet.”

“No!” Cried Hunk in dismay. He jumped up, accidentally popping off his swimming cap, revealing he has a pair of pig ears on his head. “Don’t eat the piglets!”

Everyone froze in shock. Shiro was the first to speak. “Ah, so you’re an orc?”

“An orc?” Questioned Lance.

Shiro nodded. “Yeah. They live in the forests and are kind of known for being more on the… larger side. Both the males and females have naturally fat bodies.”

Lance’s eyes lit up in understanding. “Oh! So did you come here to lose weight, Hunk?”

The orc looked a little embarrassed but nodded. “Yeah… Orcs are naturally large, but we’re constantly getting picked on by other races… We’re always called stupid, brutish, and horrible… But then I remembered an old orc legend from my tribe. Apparently over in this world there is a secret technique to lose weight, and I found out… It’s called… Diet.” 

“Diet? Really?” Questioned Lance.

Hunk grinned and nodded. “Yeah. I found this diet called the swimming diet. My body responded really well to it because I’m so big. I tried it out for a month and the payoffs were amazing! I’m already down about ten kilos. If I keep at it and study this technique more I’ll be able to return back to my tribe and I’ll be able to help out all the other orcs in my tribe.”

Lance nodded and looked over at Keith. “You could learn a thing or two from him.”

Lotor frowned a little and walked around Hunk. “Well, you are certainly the slimmest orc I’ve ever seen before… Maybe this swimming diet actually works?”

Shiro nodded in agreement. “You’re doing really well. Keep up the good work.”

“Aw thanks guys. You’re making me blush.” Said Hunk. He looked over at the two elves and smiled. “Hey, you two can’t swim, can you? I can teach you how to swim if you like?”

Within five minutes Hunk had the two elves laying on their bellies as he got them to do breast stroke Hunk was more than happy to help them correct their form and encouraged them to get better at it. 

“Do you guys feel confident enough to get in the water?” Asked Hunk.

“Can I see you swim in action?” Asked Keith.

“Oh sure. I can do a lap for you guys.” Said Hunk. “It’ll be no problem.” He happily put his swimming cap back on and his goggles. He got into the pool while the others gathered around the edge. “Okay, watch carefully you guys.” Hunk kicked off from the end of the pool and rocketted from one end of the pool to the other in a matter of seconds. It was like he was part fish. He stopped at the other end of the pool and waved out to them. “Did you get it?!”

“... Is he part mer?” Asked Lotor.

“Probably.” Muttered Keith. “Never seen an orc swim that fast. before.”

“HEY!” Yelled Pidge from her lane. “I told you jerks to watch me swim!”

***

About two weeks later at the clinic, Veronica walked into the back to fetch Lance while he was on his break. “Hey there nerd. You have a guest.” 

“I do?”

“Yep. Move that butt and get out the front.”

Lance rolled his eyes and walked to the front where he met Hunk. He looked like he was in a panic and he had put on a fair amount of weight. “Hunk?!”

“Lance! I need your help!”

“Whoa dude, calm down.” Said Lance. “What happened?”

“The pool closed for remodeling!” 

“... Seriously? How long is it going to take?”

“I was told that it would take a year to finish!” He cried. “The swimming diet was the only method I knew! My body weight shot back up immediately! I’m back to where I started! If not heavier! Please help me! I really wanna get into a healthy weight range!”

Lance was a little shocked. “Buddy, of course I’ll help you out! For once I actually have a client that’s taking everything very seriously!”


	6. Potato dreams

It was early in the morning as Lance went about his morning routine before heading to work. He quickly had a shower, ate his breakfast, get dressed, and go. However today, he had to stop when he saw the numbers on his scale. He had gained 2kg (4.4 pounds). It wasn’t a huge gain and was still in the healthy weight range. He was still in a healthy weight range, but he had just suddenly gained 2kg in a week.

He didn’t think he had over indulged in anything other the week and his exercise routine was pretty much the same as before. He’d have up the intensity and rethink his diet. He didn’t have many clients going on that day, and so he spent a lot of time just cleaning and doing a lot of little stuff. 

His last client of the day was Keith. The pudgy elf was kind of making an effort if he was motivated with more fries. Sure he did complain and whine during their exercises, but at least he was doing them. Which was more than he could say for some people. Keith had some motivation even if he wasn’t the most motivated.

“You okay there?” Asked Rachel as Lance cleaned up the reception area. “You seem kind of down.”

“Well, I put on some weight, and like, whatever.” He said. “I’m not obease or anything, but it just kind of bugs me you know? Like, I didn’t go to any parties and ate a bunch of crap so it’s just weird.”

She shrugged. “Eh, sometimes it happens. Just keep an eye on what you’re eating and maybe do some more cardio? That’s good for burning calories.”

Lance frowned a little as he leaned against his broom. “Maybe… I guess I could start biking to work instead of getting a bus?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Said Rachel. She grinned at him. “You know, if you want me to, I can set you up for one of my special weekend bootcamps?”

Lance dreaded Rachel’s bootcamps. She went out of her way to make the more grueling, vicious bootcamp’s possible. Her clientele were mostly ex army or ex marines that wanted to stay in shape when they weren’t deployed. Lance knew his limits. Rachel would murder him.

“I-I’m good. I’ll just bike more and make sure I’m eating more vegetables and stuff…” He muttered.

There was a slight clink as the door opened up and Keith walked in. The pudge elf had become pretty well known around the clinic these days. He was mostly a source of amusement for Keith’s siblings because he flustered Lance so much.

Rachel grinned and waved at him. “Hey Keith!” 

“Hey Rachel.”

Lance smiled a little at him. “Hey. Nice timing. You’re a little early but we can get started now.”

“Okay.” Keith followed Lance into the back room and they started Keith’s massage therapy. 

Lance couldn’t tell if the poor elf was just not used to people touching him or if he actually got turned on from getting a massage. The elf kept on squirming while trying his best to not move at all. It was kind of awkward, but Lance was nothing if not professional. It didn’t matter how much Keith’s face went red or how much he curled his toes… Lance took a deep breath to calm himself when the massage was done. Keith was too cute for his own good.

“So… How are you going?” He asked. “Are you doing alright?”

Keith looked up at him kind of blurry eyed and slowly sat up. “What do you mean?” 

“I’m talking about your diet of course.”

“...” The elf looked extremely guilty as he took off his beanie and scratched behind his ear. “Um well… There was this new burger place that opened up and they were running some special edition loaded fried. Like I think they called it an eggs benedict avocado smash loaded fries and I um… I might have gained a little weight…”

Lance sighed a little as he busied himself with his clipboard. “Well we all make mistakes.”

“... What?”

Lance frowned and looked over at the elf. “What?”

The elf eyed him suspiciously. “Nothing… You just usually chew me out when I mention I’ve had fries. What’s gonna happen now? Is it gonna start raining arrows?”

Lance shrugged. “Well I could always ban fries out right. You’d definitely lose weight that way.”

“WHAT?!” Keith practically launched himself at Lance and grabbed him tightly around the middle. “NO! YOU CAN’T!”

“Whoa! Don’t just grab me like that!”

“But I…” Keith frowned and poked Lance’s stomach. “...” He then poked his own stomach. “... Lance?”

“... Please don’t say it.”

“You’re addicted to fries too!”

“... No.”

Keith frowned and crossed his arms. “Well how did you get like that? You got a little pudge on you human.”

Lance just sighed. “I don’t know… I mean, I’m not leading an unhealthy lifestyle or anything. I eat healthy and I don’t gorge myself on food. Heck, I try not to have dessert foods more than once a week. I try to walk to most places and I have a good exercise program, but I still put on weight…”

“Huh… alright.”

Lance shrugged. “It’s probably my diet. I’ll have to look it over and see if I’ve been eating a little too much of something bad…”

“Huh, okay.” Keith didn’t seem very convinced.

Lance just rolled his eyes and walked Keith out to the front door. He was the last client for the day, so Rachel was just waiting for them to finish so she could lock up. “Had a good session?” She asked.

Keith nodded. “Yeah. Lance is pretty good with his hands.”

Lance blushed a little as Rachel smirked at him. “He is?”

“Yeah he is. Night Rachel. Night La-?” He paused for a moment and gave Lance a confused look. It was only there for a few seconds but he looked at Lance like he had grown an extra head. “Um, night Lance. Same time next week?”

“Yeah?”

Keith quickly left the clinic and Lance was kind of confused. The elf was weird, but that was just odd. He finished locking up the clinic with Rachel and headed home. He ended up walking instead. If he was going to get back to his usual weight he needed to start now. 

***

Lance tried to start off his morning the right way. Being active in the morning keeps your biological clock working properly, which in turn keeps your autonomic nervous system in order. Proper nerve function keeps your intestines working properly and greatly affects your metabolism. 

Lance did this by drinking a cup of water when he started the day. The gastrocolic reflex occurs when things enter the stomach and so drinking water stimulates the intestines into action. After that it was breakfast. A good breakfast was very important. Lance didn’t normally have much time to make breakfast so he usually had plane yoghurt with oats and honey.

After that he dressed in his running gear and jogged to work. A structured lifestyle, moderate exercise, and a balanced diet. These three things are critical for physical improvement. Slow weight loss was preferable over quick weight loss. Losing weight slowly over time meant one could sustain it easier and their body wouldn’t go into starvation mode and not drop as many calories as it did last time.

Lance was confident that if he kept this up he would drop that little bit of extra pudge in no time. He’d be happy if he just stayed the same weight too. It would just mean he would need to adjust just a few things and he’d be back to his previous weight in no time.

However, three weeks later Lance weighed himself just before he went to bed. He was now 10.6kg (23.3 pounds) heavier than he was when he last weighed himself three weeks ago. “... What the actual fuck?!”

Lance’s meals had been nutritious and very low in calories. He’d gotten Rachel to double check his diet plan to make sure he didn’t go crazy and starve himself by accident. He’d increased his work out volume and was lifting more weights. Heck, he was even jogging to and from work every day. He was worried he was starting to get sick, but he was still technically in the normal weight range and it wasn’t really something he should be that concerned about. 

Lance felt dejected as he crawled into bed. He’d probably have to give in and ask Rachel to do her evil bootcamp. His muscles would die and he’d probably be humiliated as marines and army dudes bear crawled half a mile and back again. Rachel wouldn’t go easy on him either. He sighed and went to sleep.

***

The smell of fries filled Lance’s nose as he was met with one of the sexiest sights he’d seen in a while. Keith, that damn potato elf was laying on a mountain of golden fries and other tasty potato products while he was clad in a ridiculously tight, red speedo. It left nothing to the imagination and Lance could see all of Keith's gorgeous, pudgy belly and soft thighs.

“Come on Lance.” Purred the elf as he lewdly licked some salt off a thick cut potato wedge. “Look at this mountain of fries, and it’s all yours. Tater tots, potato skins, waffle fries, wedges, crinkle cuts, shoestrings, curly fries, steak fries… And that’s not even including the toppings. I love loaded fries, don’t you?”

Lance watched as Keith dipped his wedge into a tub of sour cream, getting way too much of it on the chip. Half of it fell off the wedge, roll down his chin, neck, chest, and settled right in that slight groove between his chest and chubby belly. Lance swallowed slowly as he watched this playing out before him.

Keith smirked at him. “Come on Lance. It’s all for you. Eat up. There’s more than enough for the both of us.”

“I um… N-no thanks…” Said Lance nervously. “I um… I’m on a diet…”

“Come on. Don’t hold back.” Keith grabbed Lance by the collar of his shirt and started stuffing his face. “Eat up. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat.”

***

Lance cried out in shock as he jolted upright. It was… a dream… Just a dream. On one hand he was glad that Keith wasn’t choking him to death with potatoes, but he damn Keith was one sexy elf. He couldn’t deny that Keith was one hell of a sexy guy, even if he was overweight.

He yawned and went to rub the sleep out of his eyes and almost poked himself in the eye with a fork. He jumped a little in surprise and looked down at his hands. He was holding a knife and fork. It was at that moment he also started to smell food. 

Lance’s jaw dropped. In front of him were several dirty plates all piled up in front of him while he still had a large plate of loaded mac and cheese completely filled with bacon, sausage, and fried bread crumbs. There was also a small deep dish pizza and chicken parmigiana completely decked out with three different cuts of pork and several slices of cheese.

“... What the fuck?! Why the hell am I eating this?!”

From behind him he heard a laugh. “Oh? Did my spell break?” Lance slowly turned his head to see a woman with long blond pigtails and large purple eyes. Besides her eyes his woman’s most striking features were her horns and tail. She was wearing a large white apron and carrying a ladle in the other. She had a playful smirk on her face. “Guess the people in this world have magic resistance too.”

“W-who are you?!” Cried out Lance. “What the hell is going on? Why are you in my house?”

She giggled. “My name is Nyma, but it doesn’t really matter who I am. What really matters is…” she turned around, and that was when Lance noticed she was only wearing an apron. Just an apron. She quickly turned back with a platter in her hands and her eyes started glowing. “... That you eat seconds! It’s okay human. Give into your heart’s desires!”

She placed a large platter of deep fried food in front of Lance’s face and smothered everything in BBQ sauce. Lance’s hands trembled as he stabbed some of the food with his fork. His body involuntarily stabbed the oil, dripped battered meat and he raised it to his lips.

Nyam giggled and grinned. “Good boy. Now open your mouth and say aah.”

There was a crackle and a flash of purple light. Lance immediately dropped his fork and scrambled away from the table. Nyam looked shocked and quickly looked around in a panic.

“The fuck? My spell was destroyed?” She cried in shock.

“Magic?” Asked Lotor as he walked into the room, baring his staff while wearing his stupid fetishy magic outfit. “That was nothing more than child’s play.”

“L-Lotor?” Gasped Lance in shock.

“Are you okay?” Asked Keith as he got into the room and tried to put some distance between Lance and Nyma. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I detected a small trace of magic on you a few weeks ago. I was worried about you so I staked out your apartment.”

Nyma looked between the two elves in a mix of frustration and confusion. “Where’d these damn elves come from?!”

“Um… Who is she?” Asked Lance.

“She is a satyr.” Said Lotor calmly. “Their species uses the desire that radiates from others as their main source of nourishment. She probably hypnotised you and stimulated your appetite to force you to eat. In turn she was able to feed off your desires and fatten you up against your will.”

Lance frowned. “Wait… So she’s like a succubus?”

“How dare you!” Gasped Nyma and blushed bright red. “I’m not a pervert! I-I-I would never do something so… Satyr feed off all desires and this! This is my passion and I will not let you elves interfere with that!”

“...Your passion?” Questioned Lance.

“That’s right.” Said Nyma. “I came to this world because I love cooking and wanted to experience new cuisine… The amount of culinary styles in this world is beyond my wildest dreams! And the people of this world are so greedy to boot. For a satyr this world is a win-win!” She looked at Lance and grinned. “I respect your species' desire for food. So thanks for helping me sharpen my skills. I can make some really tasty dishes now.”

Lance nodded slowly and eyed Nyma up and down. “S-so um… Do you have any desire for other things?”

“... NOT THE LEWD ONES!!!”

“Not my fault you’re naked under that apron!” Whined Lance. “What am I meant to think?!”

“Fuck the formalities!” Yelled Keith as he produced three throwing daggers. “The only true greedy one here is you! Your feeding frenzy ends now!”

“You’re calling me greedy?!” Asked Nyma in shock. “Look at you? You’re a fat butter ball of lard! Your desire is already enormous! With me around you’d never be able to hold back. You’d eat yourself to death. The first elf to get the physique of an obease orc.”

“... FUCK YOU!” Keith threw his daggers at Nyma with speed and precision. Two of the daggers sliced through the straps on her apron and the third strikes right between her legs. It caught the apron and pinned it to the wall behind them. Everyone froze in shock before Keith started laughing. “Excuse me, miss love handles? How the fuck can you get fat from eating something that’s practically air? What are you? A balloon?”

The aura in the room started to darken as the temperature rapidly dropped. Nyma looked like she was about to slaughter someone. There was a huge burst of energy and Nyma had flown out the window sobbing.

“They saw me naked! Three men saw me naked!” She cried. “It’s my first time!”

The trio became extremely confused. Lotor just shook his head and cleared his throat. “Well, that takes care of that for now… But they will probably be back to get revenge.” He went to walk to the window and a rip immediately echoed through the small apartment. Once again Lotor’s ass had ripped his magically charged fetish pants. He sighed and awkwardly sat on a chair looking pissed off.

Keith just ignored Lotor’s predicament while Lance went to find him some pants. “As much as I hate the bubble butt I have to agree. I doubt this is the last we will see of her. Once they get their claws in someone they never give up a target… But I have a plan!”

***

And so from that day forward his supernatural clients decided to work shifts guarding Lance. Which was how Keith practically moved in with him, taking full responsibility because it was his plan.

“Suck my dick Lard-tor!” Snapped Keith as he desperately tried to destroy Lotor in Mario kart.

“In your dreams marshmallow.” Said Lotor as he quickly passed him. 

Shiro chuckled from his position on the ground with a beer in hand. Hunk was patiently waiting for his turn to have a go while Pidge was trying to give them advice on which items to use. It was chaotic, but at least now Lance could concentrate on losing weight without having to worry about any monsters sabotaging him.


	7. Potato fries

It had been three days since the Nyma incident and Lance had been working his butt off to lose weight. Every day along with his normal exercise he went ahead and did sit ups, crunches, and squats at home. While he was doing this, Keith, the cubby elf man, had made himself home on Lance’s couch.

“So… You gonna do any exercise today?”

Keith shrugged and flipped through the magazine he was reading. “I’ll start tomorrow.”

Lance just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever.” He quickly rolled up his yoga mat and went to walk to his room. 

Keith looked up at him and frowned. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going for a walk.” Said Lance. “Might get some stuff from dinner too.”

Keith’s eyes immediately lit up. “Yeah? I’ll come with you! Just let me go to the bathroom first.”

As the elf quickly went off to the bathroom Lance just rolled his eyes and started to walk to the door. “We’re not buying fries. Just hurry up… Ow!” Lance leaned against the wall and lifted his foot. He’d stepped on something small and sharp. He carefully took it out of his foot and stared at it. It looked like a tiny wood chip. Lance shrugged and tossed it into the trash.

“I’m ready to go human!” Said Keith. “Where are we going?”

Lance shrugged and slipped on his shoes. “Well I was thinking we could circle around the dog park.”

Keith frowned. “Let’s go around the other way, around the fry hut.”

“I already told you we aren’t buying fries!” Said Lance sternly as he left the apartment.

Keith pouted a little as he followed him. “Isn’t night time the perfect time for fries though?”

“For the last time no fries! Didn’t you eat them for lunch as well?”

“... No?”

“Oh that’s right, you had a McDonalds bag full of hash browns.”

“They are the ones at fault!” Accused Keith. “If they didn’t want me to eat them at lunch then they wouldn’t have served all day breakfasts!”

Lance shook his head as he walked down the street. “I think the biggest atrocity was you ate twenty of them and dipped them in pancake syrup and that whipped butter.”

Keith pouted and blushed a little. “I am not apologizing for that.”

Lance just sighed and continued on his walk. They stopped off at the grocery store and Lance quickly bought some healthy food to cook at home. Keith seemed intrigued by the ingredients that Lance had bought and watched him cook when they got back to the apartment. Lance was quite proud of the dish he had made; brown rice and vegetable curry with avocado and chickpea salad.

The elf frowned a little and glared at it. “This is… It’s a very fragrant looking mud.”

“It’s curry. Haven’t you had it before?”

“Seen it, but never eaten it.”

“Just try some.”

Keith sighed and ate a mouthful. “... My tongue hurts.”

“Good thing this is a mild curry…” Lance sighed and ate his own dinner. “You know Keith, I’d really appreciate it if you ate more food. More well balanced foods.”

Keith shrugged but continued to eat. “I already have the best fries money can buy.”

“... Just try your best to diet properly tomorrow. Okay?”

***

But tomorrow never came. For the past five days the two went through the same routine. Lance would eat healthy, do some mild exercise, and then bike to work. They would then come home and go for a walk after work before dinner. Meanwhile, Keith was sleeping in late, playing the switch, only leaving the house to eat potatoes, and then sleeping again.

By Saturday Lance was done with it. Keith had gone out and grabbed a large fries to snack on while he was reading yet another magazine. It was obvious that Lance needed to take extreme measures.

“The fuck Keith?! You haven’t been dieting at all!”

The elf just shrugged and ate some more fries. “I’ve been busy. I’ll start tomorrow.”

“You always say that!” Snapped Lance. “You say you’ll work hard tomorrow but tomorrow never comes! So it’s time to take drastic measures!” He pulled a large piece of plastic out from behind the couch and quickly fastened it around Keith’s neck. “Cone of potato shame!”

Keith looked very unamused. He attempted to eat a fry like he normally would, but he couldn’t put his hand anywhere near his mouth. It was impossible. Keith growled and just emptied the pack of fries into the cone. He seemed to be mildly successful. 

“Fuck!” He hissed through a mouth full of potatoes. “I think I got some salt in my eye.”

Lance sighed and took off the cone. “Okay fine… Plan B it is! Come with me.” He walked to the kitchen with Keith following close behind. He pointed to the countertop where he had left out the raw ingredient of Keith’s favourite food. “You know what these are?”

“Potatoes?” Answered Keith in a way that made it sound more like a question.

“That’s right.” Said Lance with a grin. “Look, your addiction to potatoes is really crazy. Even beyond what some humans would consider normal. So we’re going to cook them ourselves. If you cook fries yourself, you can control the amount of calories they have in them.”

“... Really?”

Lance nodded. “Yep. When you make things yourself at home it’s easier to control what goes into your body. You can adjust spices, salt levels, and most importantly in your case, oils. Have you cooked anything from this world before?”

“Nope.”

“That’s fine. I’ll teach you.” Lance rolled up his sleeves and got out what they needed. “Let’s start by washing the potatoes.” 

Lance was more than happy to talk Keith through the process and let him do most of the work. He got him to cut the potatoes the way the elf liked them. Lance then wrapped the potatoes in plastic wrap and put them in the microwave for 4 minutes. Keith’s ears twitched as he watched the potatoes slowly spinning around in the microwave. When it dinged Lance took the potatoes out and lightly seasoned them with salt and pepper. 

“Okay, now we cook them.” He poured a generous amount of olive oil in a pan to shallow fry them and handed the potatoes to Keith. “Be careful not to burn yourself.”

“... Okay…” Keith very carefully put the potatoes in the pan, jumping a little when they sizzled and popped. “Oh!”

Lance chuckled a little and handed Keith a spatula. “Here. Now you fry them until they are golden brown and then you flip them over.”

“... Fry? Like fries?”

“Yep. Now keep an eye on them.”

“Right.” Keith kept a very tentative eye on the potatoes. He seemed to actually enjoy cooking, which made Lance grin. If Keith could get into cooking then maybe he could start to lose some weight. 

Soon, Keith had finished cooking and the chips were laid out on a plate. Lance grinned and high fived him. “Hey! You did it!”

Keith smiled and high fived back. “Yeah. Thanks Lance… You want to share?”

“Sure.” They both grabbed a fry and ate it. Lance was happy with how it turned out. They were light and fluffy in the middle and crunchy on the outside. “These are pretty good. Great job Keith.” He patted his back, but the elf didn’t look very pleased. “... Something wrong?”

“Needs more oil.”

“... The whole point of the recipe was to cut down on oil.”

Keith shrugged and ate another. “I guess… You know, cooking did give me a sense of accomplishment. I’d kind of like to try a few more recipes.”

“Cool. I’ll teach you all you need to know about healthy cooking and eating.”

“Okay.”

***

Later that evening after they finished the fries and ate a healthier dinner of veggie burgers, Lance went and had a shower. He was glad that he finally got Keith back on track with his diet and hopefully now things would improve. All he had to do was get Keith to exercise more.

He got into his pyjamas and walked out to the lounge room. “Hey Keith, bathrooms free if you want to shower. I- what are you doing?”

Keith was in the middle of the living room floor. He had pushed the coffee table out of the way and was sitting on several sheets of newspaper. He was holding a long, thin stick and was whittling one end to a point. He has a small pile of sharpened sticks next to him. 

“Oh! I um, I’m making arrows.” He said. “When that satyr attacks again I want to be well prepared. I have my knives but I want some arrows too.”

Lance nodded and looked down at the pile of wood chips. “I see… So you’re making it yourself?”

“Yep. I make all my weapons myself.” Said Keith. “Knives, bow and arrows, shoes, clothes-”

“You make your own clothes?”

“Well the clothes from my world. The clothes I’m wearing now are from your world.” He went back to carefully whittling down his arrow. “I haven’t found any suitable feathers or stones I can use to finish these off, but I’m still looking. If worse comes to worst they’ll just be good sharp sticks.”

Lance was stunned. Did that mean that the wood chip he stepped on earlier in the week was from an arrow that Keith was making? He was doing this all for his protection? He actually cared enough about him to do that?

“... Hey Keith? Can I ask you something?”

The elf looked up at him. “Hmm? What’s up?”

“... Did you really come here just to eat french fries?”

“Yep.”

“But where did you even hear about french fries anyway?”

Keith shrugged. “Just at some place I was stipping off on my journey.”

“Your journey?”

“...” Keith went back to making his arrows. “In my world, there was a war. A really, really bad one. I was born during the war and it only ended a few years ago. After the war I had a lot of free time. With all the freetime I had I decided to visit various elf villages. In some of those villages were people who had visited this world. From them I learned about the location of the gate and I came here.”

Lance nodded. “I see. So when you first ate french fries, how did you like them?”

Keith grinned. “It was amazing. It was like heaven on earth. Something I never experienced before. It was indescribable…” His grin softened slightly as he looked up at Lance. “But you know what? It didn’t just satisfy my hunger. French fries satisfied something deeper in me as well… It’s hard to describe, but for the first time in a long time I went out with a goal in mind and I was able to accomplish it. I wanted to travel here to each french fries and I was able to do it.”

“Oh…”

Keith smiled a little and brushed some wood chips off himself. “You know what? All this talk about fries is making me hungry. Late night fry run?”

“... No.”


	8. Soft serve

A woman stood outside Lance’s apartment wearing a hoodie. A map in one hand and a soft serve ice cream in the other. She knew who was living there and it concerned her greatly. This world was a world full of stress. A world consumed by convenience and the lack of exercise. A world filled with food packed with calories. They would keep a very close eye on this human.

***

Lance stood on his balcony and sighed. The sky was bright blue with very few clouds. There was a slight breeze but it was still warm. “Today’s really nice. How about we go for a walk? What do you say Keith?” 

He turned to see his chubby elf roommate sleeping in a sunny spot on the carpet. Some days Keith was like a cat with the way he went and napped pretty much anywhere it was sunny. It might have been an elf thing.

He sat next to Keith and gently shook him awake. “Come on man. All you’ve been doing is eat and sleep. Come with me, okay?”

Keith yawned and mumbled. “Yeah, yeah… Fine.” He grabbed his beanie and quickly shoved it on his head covering his elf ears.

“You’re not even going to brush your hair?”

“Nah, no point.” Mumbled Keith as he got up and stretched. The two put on their shoes and left the apartment. “So, what’s on the agenda today?”

Lance shrugged. “Nothing really. We can just walk around and find something to do.”

Keith nodded in agreement. “How about we investigate downtown? I heard that there is this new restaurant that does this special double fried fries.”

“Keep talking like that and I am going to kick your ass so hard you’re going to have toes for teeth.”

“... Asshole. You’re no fun.”

“And you have no self control.” The two of them continued to bicker as they walked. They were so consumed by their conversation they didn’t notice the woman silently following them from the shadows.

***

Later that week Lance was waiting for his clients to show up. He was completely booked out today. Today he was doing massage therapy for all his mythical clients apart from Keith. Keith had decided to melt himself at the sauna today. Lance didn’t mind. He was just glad he was doing something other than eating potatoes.

His first mythical client was Lotor, the dark elf. He seemed to be in a pretty good mood and they had a pleasant conversation about minimum wage jobs. Both absolutely hated it. Minimum wage sucked.

Lotor laid down on the massage table, giving Lance the perfect view of Lotor’s bubble butt. Lotor was still dummy thick. Lance took a few moments to thank the deity that allowed him to see such a glorious sight, before he switched to professional mode and started to massage the dark-elves thighs.

“So, have you been stretching like I asked you to last week?” Asked Lance.

Lotor nodded and hummed approvingly as the way. “Yeah, whenever I have a moment to spare, I’d say.”

“Well that’s good.” Lance moved his hands down to Lotor’s thighs. “... Your thighs are pretty stiff though…” He carefully applied pressure and Lotor gasped as he practically melted into the massage table. Lance smiled and continued to massage Lotor until his time was up. Lotor was always a relaxed puddle of elven mush afterward. 

When he was done Rachel poked her head in. “Yo Lance, you have some more patience out the front and a dog.”

“What?” Lance walked out the front to see Hunk and Shiro waiting in the reception area with Pidge. Lance grinned. “Hey guys. You’re a little early.”

Shiro shrugged. “Thought I’d come in early.”

“Fair enough, but Hunk is first.” 

The Orc smiled and followed Lance to the back room. He was having a full body massage while Shiro just needed a shoulder, neck, and back massage. Pidge was still in her dog form and got lots of pats and rubs. She was the last appointment of the day and so when he left he ended up walking with Pidge for a while.

“Man, the office sure was packed today.”

“Looked like it.” Huffed Pidge as she followed along on all four paws. 

Lance chuckled and patted her head when they got to a cross road. “Next time you come by, can you please come on your human form? A medical office isn’t the best place for a dog.”

“Fine. Later Lance. Get home safe.”

“I will. Later Pidge.” He waved to her and watched her happily walk away for a minute before he decided it was time to head home.

“Hey you!” Called a voice. Lance turned and saw a shady looking woman wearing a dark purple hoodie shirt. It was hard to tell but it seemed like she might have had short hair. She was holding an ice cream in one hand and a plastic bag full of something in the other. “I need your help with something. Do you have a second to talk? Don’t worry I’m not some kind of weirdo. Since we’re right here, how about we head over to the park across the road to talk?”

Lance’s self preservation instincts were kicking in. This woman was a weirdo. “I-I’m sorry but I’m kind of in a hurry right now so…”

“It will only take a moment of your time!” She snapped. “It’s about that foolish elf boy you’re taking care of.”

Lance was stunned. How did she know about Keith. “How do you?”

“Come with me.” Without a word the woman walked into the park. 

Lance knew he should have turned and walked away, but they knew about Keith. They had to be magical too. Could he even run away even if he tried? With a sigh Lance followed her into the park. He’d do his best to keep his wits about him.

The woman stopped walking when they made it to the playground. By the time they got there they had finished their ice cream. They reached into their bag and pulled out a paddle pop ice cream, offering it to Lance. “Would you like one?”

“... I’m fine thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” They quickly pulled the wrapper off and licked it.

“S-so what do you need my help with?”

“... This ice cream is delicious.” She said. “It’s cold as ice and so sweet. Being able to eat something like this whenever you want… This world has really advanced in leaps and bounds. And there is no fighting, just peace and calm… it’s very cozy. Too cozy.” They leaned forward and snarled at him. “Which is why you don’t understand how easily you can lose the desire to return home!”

An arrow shot through the air with a whistle and landed where the woman was standing seconds ago before she vanished into thin air. Looking to where the arrow had been shot, Lance saw Keith, fresh from the sauna, holding a bow. 

“Don’t worry Lance. I got your back.”

“Keith!”

Keith was in front of Lance before he could even blink, shielding him from the woman. “I’ve had a weird feeling for a few days now. Thought it might have been that weird oil that the fast food place was using to fry their potatoes, but when that feeling didn’t go away I thought it might have been Nyma, but clearly that wasn’t the case.” He pointed at the woman. “Who the hell are you?! Reveal yourself!”

“... Typical.” Muttered the woman as she straightened herself up. “I just wanted to talk to the human, but you are just as tactless as ever.” She took off her hood and carded her fingers through her hair. Her elf ears sprung free as her short hair fluffed up slightly at her touch.

Keith’s jaw dropped. “W-what? What the hell are you doing here mum?!”

His mother chuckled a little. “Long time no see, you stubborn child.”

Lance looked between the two. He could see the similarities, but still. “Seriously? That’s your mum?”

Keith nodded and gulped. He seemed extremely nervous right now. “Y-yeah… Remember how I told you there was this huge war and stuff in my world? Well the one that rallied all the elves in my region, the one that led an army over two thousand strong, the one who taught me how to fight was her… Chief Warlord Krolia Kogane. My mum.”

As Keith cowered slightly, the older woman continued to eat her ice cream. She got some on her cheek and pouted. If Lance was being honest, Krolia was a total MILF. Keith very slowly backed away and hid behind Lance.

“... Are you okay?” Asked Lance.

Keith gulped. “S-so what are you doing here mum?”

The older elf finished her ice cream and sighed. In the blink of an eye she vanished and reappeared behind them and grabbed Keith by his chubby cheek. “I haven’t seen you in ages and that is how you greet me? With an arrow and squeaking? Thank you for the warm welcome by darling son.”

“I-I’m sorry!” He whined.

She sighed and let him go. “Keith, I am here because we are all worried about you. Your uncles and aunts have no idea where you went. You’ve failed to show up for important functions and family events. You never even sent letters home. If this had happened during the war it would have been understandable, but I mean really… You’ve shown very little concern for your own family.”

Keith pouted and rubbed his cheek. “None of them are blood related…”

“Oh? So Kolivan, the man who protected me while I was in labour doesn’t deserve the title of godfather? Ulaz and Thace, who protected you and kept you hidden during the dragon attack are not your uncles? Ilun, who taught you how to read and write so you wouldn’t become a barbarian is not your aunt? Are the people that cared for you and love you unconditionally not your real family? Blood related or not?”

Keith’s ears drooped. “... No mum… Sorry… I don’t mean any disrespect…”

Kroila shook her head and roughly jabbed at Keith’s pudgy belly and face. “And now that I finally found you, you’ve grown so flabby and soft you’ve practically tripled your baby fat. Baby fat times fifty. You didn’t come home because you couldn’t.”

“... Aren’t you being a little harsh?” Asked Lance.

Krolia ignored him and continued to rip into Keith. “You used to be so disciplined. I was happy that you wanted to explore and see what was out there in the world when the war was over, but I see now that it was foolish. You’ve come here and become a spoiled rotten brat. So I have come here to set you straight.” She turned her attention back to Lance. “Human?”

“Y-yes?” He squeaked. How was he meant to address a Chief Warlord elf?

“I will also need to stay at your place for a while.”

Unable to turn her down Lance now had two eleves staying full time at his apartment. When Krolia went to have a shower he and Keith had a quick talk about it. Keith seemed upset about the whole thing. Though Lance couldn’t tell if it was because she basically called him out on getting fat, or because she invited herself to stay with them.

“I’m really sorry about my mum…” He said quietly. “When she makes a decision you’ll never be able to change her mind. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Really.” Lance tried to reassure Keith. “So… She really came here to bring you back to your world?”

Keith nodded. “Yeah… I tried to plan my diet out so that I would’ve been able to return home by now… But I think I gave up hope of going back ever since I lost the ability to cross back through the gate…”

“Is that so…”

***

Early the next morning Keith was sleeping peacefully on the couch when he was rudely awoken by Krolia viciously pinching his belly fat. “MUM?! WHAT THE HELL?!”

The woman stared down at him. “How long are you planning to sleep? The sun is up so you are up. Now go and get dressed. We need to prepare.”

“Prepare? Prepare for what?”

His mother tilted her head and took out her enchanted sword. “You know, it has been a long time since we went and did some sword fighting together. We should practice.”

“Huh? B-but I…”

“That sounds like insubordination to me.” Growled out the woman.

Keith felt like he was about to face hell. “N-no. Not at all.”

“Good. The human is still sleeping. Don’t make a racket. Get dressed and let’s go.” She walked to the door and Keith had no choice but to follow her. He was going to die. He was going to die so badly and brutally. He did not deserve this.

***

When Lance woke up he was surprised to see that Keith and Krolia were gone. Then again she did seem like she was going to try and get him into shape. They still weren’t back and it was around brunch time, so Lance decided to make some salad rolls. 

He heard the front door open and smiled. “Hey you’re back. I made you guys some brunch if you want it.”

“Thank you. We appreciate it, human.”

“It’s Lance.”

“Lance.” She picked up one of the rolls and happily ate it.

“So where’s Keith?”

Krolia frowned and looked over her shoulder. “He should be right behind me… Oh, there he is.”

If Lance was honest, Keith looked like he’d been hit by a train. His shirt was torn, he had rips in his pants, his body was covered with abrasions and bruises, he was panting heavily and holding his arm like it was in pain. He slumped against the wall and slowly sank down.

“KEITH?!” Lance was by his side in an instant. “Are you okay? What happened? Did someone hurt you?”

“I’m fine…” He muttered. “This is just an elf thing… Can you just tell me one thing, is there breakfast?”

“He seems fine to me.” Said Krolia as she finished eating.

Lance rolled his eyes and handed Keith his sandwich on a plate. “Here.”

Keith took the plate and frowned a little. “Does it have any potato in it?”

“No.”

“But I was in the mood for hash browns this morning…”

“Don’t be selfish.”

Keith pouted a little before he started begging with his eyes. “Just a small portion? I worked really hard this morning. Don’t I deserve a small treat?”

“... Well, I guess if it’s only a tiny portion it couldn’t hurt…”

A knife suddenly sliced through the air, cutting a quarter off the salad roll. Krolia quickly grabbed the larger, three quarters leaving Keith with the small, bite sized one quarter. She quickly bit into it leaving both Keith and Lance in shock.

“What are you doing?” Asked Keith.

Krolia shrugged. “I don’t have that many calories to burn compared to you.”

“... So this is all I get?”

“Yes. Savour it.”

“I can make you something else Keith.” Said Lance reassuringly. “We still have some leftovers from the other night you can have.” As they interacted Krolia’s eyes narrowed. She was observing them and clearly wasn’t happy with what she was seeing.

***

Over the next week Krolia took over Keith’s diet and exercise regime. She was completely brutal and on him like a hawk. She made him carry longs, do push ups while she was sitting on his back, plet rocks at him that he was meant to dodge, sword fight, and of course she made sure he didn’t sneak off and eat any fried potatoes. Ever. He was on a strict vegetarian diet that didn’t involve fried potatoes.

If Lance was honest, he was really, really worried about him. He watched as Keith struggled pulling a heavy truck tire and Krolia along a strip of astroturf in the park before he collapsed and Krolia let him have a break.

When she wandered off Lance quickly went over with a bottle of water for him. “Here. You need this.”

Keith sat up and quickly gulped down the water. Looking at Keith, he looked really poorly. His complexion was really unhealthy. He was clearly being over worked to the point of almost fainting and he was on a severe calorie restriction thanks to Krolia putting him on portion sizes he’d only recommend for a child. It had only been a week but with the way things were going...

“Lance?”

“Hmm?”

“You look like something is bugging you.” Said Keith. “... We are friends right? If there’s something on your mind, you can tell me. You know that right?”

Lance was kind of surprised. He didn’t really think that Keith thought of him as a friend. Which made this predicament he was in feel all the more worse. A week ago, before all of this he and Krolia went to a park to have a talk about Keith while he was sleeping.

***

The two had sat down on the swings in the playground as they had their little talk. He assumed it was serious from the expression on her face. They sat quietly for a good ten minutes before she started to speak.

“Lance, you are a good person.” She said. “The world you live in is a good place too. But a good person living in a good place isn’t always a good influence.”

“... What is your point?”

“... This world is a gentle place, and that gentleness has ruined Keith.” She said it in such a matter of fact tone that Lance didn’t know what to say. “Before coming here Keith was one of the fittest and well put together soldiers in the elf army. Someone to fear and show great respect to. Lance, let me make this very clear. A gentle person like you is not fit to do this job. The one who best understands that boy is me.”

“But I… You can’t-”

“If you’re really concerned about Keith’s wellbeing you will leave it to me.”

***

“Earth to Lance, are you okay?” Asked Keith.

Lance sighed and sat next to him. “No, I’m fine. I was just spacing out.” He felt so conflicted. It was clear that this diet was extremely harmful to Keith. His mother might as well start encouraging him to do something really harmful like bulimia to make him lose weight. 

Normally Lance would put a stop to this immediately, but he was worried that Krolia was right and he was a bad influence on Keith. He wanted Keith to reach and achieve his goals. He’d always helped his clients out with no problem before. Was his fat fetish finally bleeding into his work? He had been very good about it so far. Maybe he needed to watch himself more. Sure Keith was cute with his fat rolls but he wanted to lose weight.

“Stand up.” Boomed Krolia. They both jumped and turned to see her with a sword in one hand and an ice cream in the other. “It’s time to practice sword fighting.”

“Y-yes mum…” Said Keith as he stood up and took the sword from her.

“I want one thousand sword swings. Count each one.”

“Yes…”

“Stand up straight. Your posture is awful.”

Keith corrected himself and started to swing. “One, two, three-”

“Put your back into it.”

“F-four, five, six, seven… E-eight…”

“Start over.”

“What?!”

“I want one thousand good sword swings.”

“... One, two, three…”

The more Lance watched the angrier he got. This wasn’t helping Keith at all. This was working him to death. He couldn’t even make it to fifteen swings before he fell to his knees, completely spent for the day.

“Okay, that’s enough!” Snapped Lance. He quickly stood between the two elves and glared at Krolia. The woman just seemed confused.

“Can you move out of the way?”

“No!” Yelled Lance. “Korlia, Keith might be your son but he is my patient. You have no idea what his body needs! I’ve been stupid and let you guilt me into letting you torture him for a week with this impossible exercise and weight loss program of yours! My job is to help people lose weight safely! This is why there is no way in hell I am going to move so you can keep abusing your own damn son!”

Krolia was stunned into silence. She gave Lance a confused look as she tilted her head to the side. “You won’t move out of the way no matter what? Is that what you are saying?”

“Damn right I’m not moving!” Snapped Lacne. “It was obvious from the start and I would have seen it if you hadn't have guilted me before because you’re his family, but you and your disgusting methods are wrong! You are wrong!”

“... I see.” Muttered Krolia. She picked up the sword Keith had dropped and glared daggers into Lance. “It looked like I have no choice but to knock some sense into you!” She swung the sword right at Lance’s head while Keith yelled out for her to stop. The sword stopped millimeters from Lance’s face. Krolia hummed in amusement. “You didn’t even blink.”

“Of course not.” Said Lance. “If all that horrible stuff you did was truly because you cared about and were concerned for Keith it stands to reason you wouldn’t actually hurt me.”

“...” The elf woman sighed and lowered her sword. “Do you think your methods will really work? Do you think you can really make him lose weight?”

“He can!” Said Keith quickly as he got to his feet. “Lance’s programs do work, I’m just making too many bad life choices.”

“Then stop making the bad choices.” She growled.

“... I will. But I put my trust in Lance!” Said Keith proudly. “He’s rewarded my trust by teaching me so much about dieting and exercise, so that’s why when I get back into shape I’m going to do it by Lance’s side!”

Lance was touched by that, and for a brief moment it seemed like Krolia was too, before she broke into a smile. “I see you’re still good at giving speeches when the time calls for it.” She sighed and put the sword away. “Okay, I entrust my son’s health to you Lance.”

Lance breathed a sigh of relief. “Don’t you worry. I’ll send him back with both a healthy body and mind.”

With that the trio walked back to the entrance to the other world to say goodbye to Krolia. She bowed to Lance. “Please take care of my son. He is a handful at times, but please don’t give up on him. I might have been tough, but I really do want what is best for him.”

“Don’t worry. I got this.” Said Lance. “Just leave it to me.”

“Mum…” Said Keith quietly. “I’m sorry I caused everyone so much trouble and made you all worry about me this whole time…”

She smiled and hugged him tightly, giving him a small kiss on the forehead. “It’s okay Keith. “I’ll report back to the rest of the family. Once they realise that you are in safe hands I’m sure they will worry no more and eagerly await your arrival.”

“Thanks…”

“Now listen to what Lance says and take it to heart. He is doing his best for you and looking out for your health. Stay disciplined.”

“I will.”

Lance couldn’t help but smile at this touching family moment. Krolia’s heart was in the right place, but she didn’t have the right method. At least they were leaving on a high note now.

Krolia smiled and gently patted Keith’s back. “Okay, I better get going before I regret leaving this place. You two take care.”

“Goodbye Krolia.”

“I’ll see you soon mum! I promise!”

Krolia smiled at them before she walked through the doors. They closed behind her and everything was quiet. It was a lovely parting. This was probably going to be some good motivation for Keith. Now he knew that his whole family was cheering him on and waiting for him to come back there was no way that he wouldn’t try his hardest.

Suddenly the ground shook and smoke flooded out from the door. Both jumped back in shock. “What the fuck was that?!” Cried Keith.

“That isn’t normal?” Asked Lance.

The door suddenly opened up and Krolia nervously peeked out. “Um…”

“Oh no…” Said Lance.

“What’s going on?” Asked Keith.

Krolia sighed and stepped back out into the open. The explosion seemed to have blasted off all her clothing showing off her pudgy stomach. Apparently elves weren’t very conservative about being naked. “... I ate too many ice creams. I couldn’t get through the gate. I can’t go home. Do either of you have some clothes I can borrow?”


	9. Gardening

On the road to Lance’s workplace, there is a flower shop; Altean flowers. There is a very pretty woman that works there and owns the place. Her name is Allura and she’s a very lovely woman. Definitely on the thicc side. Lance being the Bi disaster he was, saw her as his ideal female body type he looked for in a partner. Plus her personality was always cheerful and bubbly. She’s always outside when Lance walks by and waves at him and says goodmorning. She always has a pretty succulent hair clip in her hair. They always had time for a quick chat.

Allura looked up from watering some of her plants and smiled at him. “Morning Lance. Lovely weather today.”

Lance grinned at her. “Yeah. The weather’s meant to be sunny all week. Should be good for growing plants.”

“Oh yes. All my plants are loving the weather. They are growing extremely well.”

“Nice. Have a good day Allura.”

“You too Lance.”

That’s how their conversations usually went when he walked to his job, but over the past few days Lance couldn’t help but feel like something was a little off with her during this period of extremely good weather.

 **Monday;**  
Lance walked by the shop and waved at her. Allura was happily watering some flowers. “Morning Allura. How are you?”

She smiled at him. “I’m doing pretty well. I got some new flowers in today and I’m really glad that they seem to like the weather. I’ve been trying some new potting mix and it seems to be working really well.”

“Oh? What’s your secret recipe?”

She chuckled and leaned close to him. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yep.

“It’s a three part ratio; one part standard potting mix, one part blood and bones, and one part chicken manure. It works wonders for these particular flowers.”

“That’s cool. See you tomorrow Allura.”

“Bye Lance.”

 **Tuesday;**  
Allura was pruning some plants when Lance walked by her. “Hey Allura.”

“Oh, morning Lance.” She stood up and brushed some of the dirt off her hands and onto her apron, making her chest giggle a little. She looked like she might have been wearing a smaller apron today for some reason, and her succulent hair clip seemed a little different. “The weather is meant to be bright and sunny all week.”

“Yeah, apparently so. Any plans for the weekend?”

Allura shrugged. “Probably go out to the park and do some reading under the shade of a tree. I enjoy those kinds of things. What about you?

Lance shrugged. “I’ll probably be working with clients…” He wanted to take some of his more mythical clients somewhere far away from their bad eating habits. Somewhere they couldn’t be exposed to things like potatoes, ice cream, alcohol, or anything like that.

“Well that sounds interesting. Have a good day.”

“You too Allura.”

 **Wednesday;**  
Something was definitely wrong with Allura. The succulent was bigger than the previous day and she looked like she was having an awkward time palancing it on her head. She was standing at an odd angle to try and keep it in place.

“Lovely weather we are having.” She said.

Lance nodded a little as he looked at her succulent. “Um yeah… The weather is still really good…”

“Yep. All the plants are just loving this weather and to be honest? So am I.”

“Well that’s good… Have a good day.”

“You too.”

 **Thursday;**  
There was no way Lance could avoid this any longer. The little hair clip on Allura’s head had swelled so large it now looked more like one of those stupid fasxinator hats. Furthermore she had to carry herself awkwardly and tilt her head to the side since her head could no longer support the weight.

“... A-are you okay Allura? Like seriously?” He asked.

Allura sighed as she awkwardly tried to straighten her back. “Well… I guess with all the sunny weather going on I’ve gained a bit of weight… Well, I guess you might be able to help me out a little? You do work at that weight loss clinic, correct?”

“Well yeah, what are you worried about?” Lance was a little confused about her comment about sunny weather making her gain weight.

She sighed and pointed to the succulent. “It should be obvious from first glance by this little buy, well not so little guy, is causing me a few problems. It’s making my neck and shoulder’s hurt like crazy.”

“... I um, I meant your figure, not your hat?”

“...” Allura sighed and crossed her arms. “You don’t get it. You’re being really cruel now Lance. I’m seriously worried about it. I’ve thought that maybe exercise would help, but moving my body around isn’t really something I can easily do…”

“I-I um… I don’t really have time to give you a proper consultation, but if you make an appointment at my clinic I’ll be more than happy to treat you…”

Allura seemed a little dejected. “It’s okay… I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that… I just thought I would ask…”

***

Lance couldn’t help but think about Allura for the rest of the day. There was definitely something magical going on. She probably came from the same world as Keith. He decided it might be best to ask the chubby elf during his massage therapy session.

It was a little interesting trying to have a conversation with Keith since the elf would moan when Lance hit the right spots during his massage. “And that’s why I think she’s from your world.” Said Lance. “What do you think?”

“A plant coming out of her- AH- her head?” Asked Keith between moans. “She’s probably an alraune… Oh fuck!” He moaned. “A-a plant that looks like a human.”

Lance frowned a little as he finished up Keith’s massage and let him sit up. “Seriously? That’s a thing?”

Keith nodded and stretched. “Yeah… I guess you could say that we have an understanding, her species and mine, since we both live in the forest and are very in touch with nature, though Allura’s connection with planets is next level. She grows by absorbing nutrients from the ground and the sun.” The elf frowned slightly as if he was in deep thought. “She probably grew too much because of the good weather this week. That’s not even mentioning things like soil and fertilizer. That kind of stuff is plentiful here. Not like back in my world. Only farmers could get their hands on good quality stuff.”

“Oh wow… I hadn’t really thought of that…” Now it was Lance’s turn to think. If Allura really was a plant person then that meant that she probably couldn’t lose weight like a flesh and blood person. She had completely different anatomy. Did she even breath through her lungs or even have lungs to begin with?

Keith got off the massage table and stretched. “Yeah, shouldn’t be too hard for you though, right? You’re like a genius at this weight loss stuff.”

“Thanks Keith, but this isn’t really related to dieting… This is more like gardening, which is a completely different issue. Like, if she is a plant you want them to grow straight and upright, right? With that big flower thing on her head she’s sagging and looks like she’s really struggling. I don’t think she’s in bad enough shape to wear a back brace since those are for people with real medical issues like scoliosis… Or people who have had major spine surgery… I’ll have to think about it.” 

“I can ask Krolia about it and see what she thinks?” Suggested Keith. “She might have an idea.”

“Okay. You do that. See you later tonight?”

Keith nodded and headed out. When he was gone his brother Marco came in. “Hey Lance, got a moment? I need help unpacking some stuff.”

“Sure.” Lance followed his brother into one of the back rooms and picked up one of the cardboard boxes. “So what’s in the boxes?”

Macro shrugged as he passed Lance a box cutter. “Knee braces and stuff like that. Mama thought it would be a good idea to restock a few items since we’re running low.” 

Lance nodded and opened his box. When he looked inside he was greeted with an item that made his eyes widen in shock. He knew exactly how to help Allura now.

***

On Friday Lance happily made his way to Altean flowers with a bag in hand. Allura was still there watering her plants with the flower on her head looking as gigantic as ever. “Hey Allura!”

She looked over at him and smiled. “Morning Lance.”

Lance grinned and held up a shopping bag. “I thought a little more about what you said yesterday and I think I figured out something to help with your shoulders.”

The woman raised an eyebrow, a little sceptical, but intrigued. “Really now?”

Lance nodded. “Yep. I think your pains might be due to your poor posture. Because your posture is crooked, one body part takes a larger portion of your load which causes stiffness and pain. It doesn’t just affect your shoulders but can affect other places like your neck or lower back. So I got you this!” He held up the bag and grinned. “You’re going to need to take your apron off to put it on, but please do it.”

“Um… Okay?” Allura took off her apron and put on the thing Lance had given her. It looked like a series of black fabric straps that seemed a little fetishy in the wrong context. “Lance… Um… What is this?”

“It’s a posture correcting corset.” Informed Lance. “It improves your posture by supporting your body.”

“It’s a little… Um… Embarrassing…”

“Oh, you normally wear it under your clothes. I just needed to show you how to wear it.” Said Lance. “So what do you think?”

Allura frowned a little as she moved around like she normally would. Her eyes lit up in shock. “Lance! This is… My body feels so light? This is amazing! Thank you so much!”

Lance grinned and shrugged. “Think nothing of it. You know me, I like to help… I actually have something else for you.”

“Hmm? Something else?”

Lance nodded as he quickly looked through the bag. “Yeah. I think it’s something that will help get to the root of your issue. I considered a few different ideas, and this was the best one I could come up with… If you don’t want to use it that’s fine but… here.” He took a pink parasol out of the bag and handed it over to her. “It’s not much, but please use it on bright, sunny days.”

Allura seemed shocked for a moment as she looked between Lance and the parasol. It took her a few moments, but eventually a look of understanding came over her face and she accepted the gift. “Thank you very much Lance.”

He smiled warmly at her. “Your flower is very pretty, but try to limit your nutrient intake and how much time you spend in the sun from now on.”

“Okay. I will. You are a very clever human.” 

***

Allura seemed to take what Lance had said to heart because when the next Monday came around and Lance walked past her shop, she was out there with her parasol. She smiled kindly at him and waved. Her posture had improved and her flower had shrunk significantly. It was back to being the size of a hair clip.

Lance couldn’t help but grin at her. “Morning Allura.” He said. “Lovely weather is week.”

She grinned. “Yes. The weather this week is going to be just as good as last week.”


	10. Pack leader

It was just a normal sunny day for Keith as he quickly snuck out of the house to satisfy his potato cravings. Was it bad? Yes. But he really couldn’t help it. He was addicted to fries. He went to the closest fast food place and bought three servings of extra large fries. Yeah, it was bad, but he had started to cut back. He usually bought four servings of extra large fries.

He contemplated just eating them on the walk home or if he could eat them when he got back. Krolia might be home and kick his ass again with some extra training, or tell Lance. He was tired of doing push ups and squats. He was pretty sure that Lance was making him do all those squats because he liked seeing his ass when he crouched down for any reason. Damn pervert.

As he contemplated this he couldn’t help but shiver a little. He felt like someone might have been watching him. Suddenly someone came out of nowhere and snatched his bag of fries out of his hands.

“What the fuck?!” He snapped.

Standing in front of him was Pidge. The short, pudgy, lycanthrope proudly stood there with the bag of fast food in one hand with her other hand on her hip. That smug dog looked very proud of themselves. Keith would have been more pissed off if he wasn’t so shocked by their appearance. Pidge was no longer fat. Pidge was a damn stick.

“What the fuck Pudge?”

“Name’s not Pudge you porkbelly elf.” Said Pidge. “Later.” Pidge put the handles of the plastic bag into her mouth and took off running down the street.

“... How the flying fuck did Pidge manage to get so… Wait… BITCH GIVE ME BACK MY FRIES!!!”

Pidge was surprisingly fast, then again she seemed to have gotten very fit over the past few months. But then again, how fit could she be if she was eating Keith’s fries? If Keith was a normal human he would have given up after half a block, but being an elf, despite being out of shape, he still had high endurance and managed to keep a few feet behind her.

Pidge attempted to lose him by quickly running through side streets and through the maze of back alleys around apartment buildings. Keith thought he had her when she dipped down a street with a dead end. To his shock, Pidge quickly crawled through a narrow hole in a fence.

Being the stubborn ass he was, Keith quickly dived down after her. Everything was fine, until he had to pull his hips through and he felt his thighs and butt hit the sides of the hole. Keith expected something like this from Lotor, but not him. He groaned in frustration and struggled to pull himself through.

“Come on…” He muttered. “Come on. Come on. Come on. Come-” There was a slight ripping noise as Keith pulled himself through the hole, but ended up ripping a hole through his pants, exposing his right buttcheek. “... You owe me new pants!”

Keith continued to chase Pidge as she did her best to lose him. She bolted up stairs, balanced across railings, dashed across rooftops. Anything to lose Keith, but there was nothing she could do. There was no way Keith was going to let Pidge get away and feast on his fries. He bought them. He was going to eat them.

Suddenly Pidge slipped down a narrow alleyway and dived under a metal gate. Keith could feel his eye twitch in annoyance and he quickly followed her, getting slightly stuck again. He squirmed and struggled to get through.

He growled and punched the ground in annoyance. “Stop going through random holes you bitch!” He pulled himself through and panted a little. He looked up and saw that Pidge had stopped running. Keith took his chance and grabbed her as he snatched the bag away. “HA!”

“HEY!” Yelped Pidge. “What the fuck are you doing blubber butt?”

“You stole my fries you bitch!”

“You shouldn’t be eating fries anyway when you’re on a diet!”

“Stop making fair points!” Snapped Keith. “And you owe me new pants! I’m gonna beat your ass, you potato stealing dog!”

“I’m no dog, you blubber belly!” Snapped Pidge.

There was a small whimper and Keith just rolled his eyes. “Quit your blubbering!” Snapped Keith. “It’s too late for you to start crying. I don’t care if you’re a girl. You don’t steal food! Bitches get stitches!”

“That wasn’t me.” 

“Huh?’

There was a small whimpering and a tiny yap coming from a cardboard box. Keith looked inside and was shocked to see a bull terrier puppy. They looked up at Keith and wagged their tail. Keith frowned and took a moment to look at his surroundings. They were standing in an empty, overgrown lot with some construction equipment.

“... Okay, start from the beginning Pidge.” Said Keith. “What is going on here?”

Pidge shrugged and kneeled down beside the dog. “Well, I come here some days when I want to be alone and I found this puppy. Someone abandoned them here for whatever reason, so I’m taking care of Bae Bae now.”

“Bae Bae?”

“Yep. That’s her name.”

“... So you stole my fries to feed your puppy?”

Pidge nodded and picked up Bae Bae. “Yep. I’m the only lycanthrope in the area. So I’m the defacto pack leader. I gotta take care of the orphans in the area. Puppies need lots of food to grow up big and strong so I’ve been working extra hard to gather food for Bae Bae. So hand over those fries.”

“Fuck off dog breath.” Said Keith. “First of all, I don’t see why I should give up my fries for a stray.”

Bae Bae whined and whimpered a little. Pidge cuddled them some more and quietly cooed. “Aw, don’t be like that. I’ll head out and get you something else to eat soon, so please don’t cry.” An almighty growl ripped through the empty lot and Keith had to take pause. It came from Pidge. Pidge’s stomach.

Was Pidge making sure that the puppy was eating before she did? It would make sense if she decided she was the pack leader. Keith could just imagine what Lance would say if he found out that Pidge was running around and not eating as much as she should. Lance probably put together a good diet for her, but he doubted she was doing that. He looked down at his bag of fries and remembered a conversation he had with Lance.

***

Keith was laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling while Lance was sitting on the floor doing some yoga. “So Lance…”

“Yeah?”

“Why do humans eat fast food if it’s so bad for them?”

“Well, there’s two main reasons.” Said Lance. “It’s quick, and it’s cheap. In fact, a lot of people in first world countries where fast food chains and snacks are prevalent a lot of people that aren’t economically well off are obease because a $5 meal at a fast food place is more filling than a $5 punnet of fruit from the grocery store.”

“So… Do you dislike people that can’t afford to eat healthy?”

Lance laughed. “What? You serious there Keith? Look, some people can’t help it. There are many factors and reasons as to why people mainly eat junk food. I’m not going to get mad at someone who decides to eat junk food so they can pay their rent. Eating healthy all the time has become a luxury for rich people… I just get frustrated when people don’t put in the effort to try and improve themselves. Like, okay you can only eat crappy food because you’re in a shitty position right now? Okay, maybe start exercising a little more?”

“... So why are you always on my ass about me eating fries?”

“Because you are living with me and I am well off enough for you to be eating mostly healthy but you’d rather eat fries and sleep.” Said Lance. He sighed and continued his yoga. “But like seriously, if someone has a choice between eating something filling that’s junk or eating something not filling at all and healthy, I’d rather people be full and make the effort to stay healthy when they exercise. Starving yourself for the sake of getting skinny is gross.”

“Huh… Okay.”

***

Keith sighed and held the bag of fries out to Pidge and Bae Bae. Sure it was fries, but if Lance was here in his position he would probably do the same. He didn’t want Pidge or Bae Bae to go hungry, no matter how much he loved fries. Plus he wasn’t a monster. He wouldn’t have actually let a puppy go hungry.

“Here… Just take my damn fries…” He muttered as he held the bag out.

Pidge was surprised but quickly took the bag. “Really? Thanks… What made you change your mind?”

Keith shrugged. “Just don’t feel like them anymore. All this running around has made me lose my appetite… There should be more than enough in there for the puppy, so you eat up too Pidge. You sound like you need it.”

Pidge blushed a little. “Thanks Keith… I really appreciate it and so does Bae Bae.”

“Whatever. Just take care.” Keith squeezed back through the hole in the fence and headed back to Lance’s apartment. When he got home and explained to Lance why he had a hole in his pants. Lance was happy that Keith was able to give up his fries, but told him not to feed animals food with salt content that high ever again.

***

Later that week after Pidge went on another scavenger hunt to get food Bae Bae, she went back to the lot and was shocked to see that Bae Bae was already eating something that looked like dog food in a plastic bowl. Next to Bea Bea was a food container. She opened it and inside was a chicken salad roll and a note written in Elvish.

_You can’t be a good pack leader if you aren’t eating right._

She smiled a little and happily ate her food. Maybe blubber belly wasn’t as terrible as he acted?


	11. Pill popping

Lance was over the moon when Pidge decided to visit with Bae Bae. He gave the puppy many cuddles and smooches Then Krolia spotted the puppy. She picked them up and put them on her lap while she read one of Lance’s many books. Lance decided that it probably wasn’t worth it to try and cuddle with the puppy when the elf warlord decided she wanted to spend time with the puppy.

Pidge was cool with that and ended up laying on the carpet next to Lance while he did a little bit of work. He was going through some bloodwork for one of Rachel’s patients. She was asking for his input as to if they needed any supplements in their diet to help them out.

Everything seemed good to Lance, but he suggested that her client eat a little more red meat or a lot of spinach to try and help bring up their iron levels a little more. That that didn’t improve their iron levels they would need to talk to a doctor to see what is going on and start taking iron supplements.

He heard something moving behind him and saw Keith walking around with a vacuum cleaner. He plugged it in and started to poke Pidge with it. “Come on Pidge. Move it”

Pidge glared at him and kicked at the vacuum. “Fuck off Keith.”

Lance chuckled and smiled up at him. “Thanks for vacuuming. I really appreciate it.”

Keith shrugged. “No big deal. I kind of like this human invention. I mean, it’s kind of magical how it sucks up all that dirt and hair so quickly.”

Krolia closed her book and picked up Bea Bea. “I’m going to take the dogs for a walk so they don’t have to be around all this noise.”

“... Not a dog.” Muttered Pidge. The women happily left and Lance continued to work while Keith continued to clean.

They worked quietly for about five minutes before there was a knock at the door. Lance went to answer it and was surprised to see Hunk there with a large duffle bag.

Lance grinned and happily let him in. “Hey man. What’s up?”

Hunk dropped the bag and looked at Lance with a serious expression. “Lance… I found something unbelievable.” 

“Yeah?”

Hunk nodded enthusiastically and handed a small bottle of pills to Lance. “This.”

Lance frowned and looked at the pill bottle. “What is this? Medicine?”

“Medicine?” Questioned Keith. He turned off the vacuum and walked over to see what was going on. “What’s this about medicine? Did someone get hurt?” He looked at the bottle then back at Hunk. “Did that lard ass Lotor trick you into buying crap from his shop again?”

“What? N-no!” Said Hunk quickly and took out his phone. “Just watch this video and it’ll explain it all!” He handed his phone over and handed it over for Lance and Keith to look at.

There was some generically pretty, but forgettable actresses standing around in gym clothes while she walked around some gym happily grinning. _”Are you one of those people that just can’t seem to lose that last bit of weight no matter how much you try? Well I’m here today to ask you if you have heard about the new weight loss method that’s taking the world by storm?_

There were suddenly dozens of people showing off their before and after pics. _”No more gross diets. No more difficult exercises. With just one pill your body will transform right before your very eyes! Created by Dr Ben Hovan, Winner of the nobel prize for doctors, this pill had people raving! The fat will just melt right off your body!”_

There was a quick translation change to show off the product. _”Results have been documented in hundreds of journals around the world. Adipos Cadere normally goes for $25.95 a bottle, but if you act now, we can send you a sample for the low, low price of $5. You got nothing to lose but your weight. Buy Adipos Cadere today!”_

Lance’s jaw dropped in shock. He hated this. He hated this so much. He hated this almost as much as MLM scams and those stupid hunbots that were poisoning people with their bullshit promises. Hell, his parents started their business to combat those bastards in the first place! He needed to put a stop to this now.

“Hunk.” Said Lance calmly. “This is-”

“Amazing!” Said Keith. “Did you try one yet?”

Hunk blushed a little and shrugged. “Nah, I didn’t want to take it alone. I wanted to share it with you guys.”

“Hunk… That’s really nice of you.” Keith quickly took the bottle off of Lance and grabbed a pill before passing it to Hunk, who also took one. “Let’s do it!”

“Wait!” Yelled Lance, but it was too late. Hunk and Keith each swallowed a pill.

They both seemed excited as they looked down at themselves. “Alright.” Said Hunk. “We took the pill.”

“This gut is as good as gone!” Said Keith in triumph. However as the seconds ticked by the ork and the eld became more and more confused.

“... Nothing happened.” Said Hunk.

“Yeah…” Muttered Keith. “I thought the change would be instant?”

“Maybe we didn’t take enough of them?” Suggested Hunk. “Maybe we should up the dosage a little?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

“HOLY SHIT!” Yelled Lance. “ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU’RE GOING TO HURT YOURSELVES! FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS!”

Keith pouted. “Does dosage even apply to non-humans?”

Lance groaned in annoyance. He was going to go easy on them, but he needed to stomp this out. “Look, you guys shouldn’t be taking those suspicious looking pills in the first place.”

“What do you mean suspicious?” Asked Hunk, quickly becoming distressed. “These are suspicious?”

“Hell yeah they are!”

Keith frowned. “But weren’t they made by some hot shot doctor?”

“Firstly, if there was some super weight loss pill don’t you think I would be all over it? Who even is that guy? There’s also no such thing as a Nobel Prize for doctors! It’s all bullshit! Supplements aren’t medicine! If anything you need to treat them like health food. Their purpose is to assist you in maintaining a healthy lifestyle! Nothing can instantly transform your body like that!”

Both mythical beings looked shocked to hear that. “So supplements don’t work instantly like potions?” Asked Hunk almost disappointedly.

“Potions?”

Keith nodded. “Yeah, potions. In our world we have potions for all kinds of things. If there is a sickness there is a potion to cure it. Heck, we even have potions that can reattach severed limbs. Very useful during the war.”

“... Freaky.” Muttered Lance. He shook his head and sighed. “Back to my point. Supplements can be pretty dangerous if you’re just randomly grabbing whatever you think is good. You honestly should talk to a doctor so they can recommend good brands. Supplements aren’t held to the same safety standards as food and medicine. You have to be really careful. For example there are some horrible people selling cyanide as a cancer cure by calling it vitamin B17. I especially would think twice before getting anything from a suspicious add like this one.” 

Hunk pouted a little. “... But the doctor…”

“You can’t blindly trust that guy!” Snapped Lance. “Even if he is a doctor what is he a doctor of? I bet if he’s a doctor he’s a chiropractor! Some of those guys have become notorious for pushing their bullshit medical cures onto people when they aren’t trained in the right medical field! Some of those lunatics give pediatric advice! They know fuck all about what a baby or child needs!”

Neither magical being had ever seen Lance go on a rant like this before. He seemed very passionate about something that seemed so trivial before. “... So it isn’t weight loss medicine?” Asked Keith.

“Did you not hear a word I said?” Asked Lance. He held his hand out to Hunk. “Come on Hunk. Give me the bottle and I’ll throw it away.”

“What?!”

Lance looked between the two beings. Both seemed kind of nervous and not willing to give up the supplements. “... Is that a no?”

“... I just wanted to believe it would work on elves.” Muttered Keith. He suddenly pointed an accusatory finger at Lance. “You just want to keep those pills for yourself!”

“Are you kidding me?!” Snapped Lance. Keith tried to grab the bottle off of Hunk, but Lance grabbed hold of Keith and held him back. “It’s nothing but a bunch of ordinary vitamins, some placebo thing, or something poisonous! It’s not worth it! Those pills are nothing special! The manufacturer is not trustworthy, so you don’t know if it’s certified to be safe! It doesn’t matter who endorses it be it some shady doctor, celebrity, or influencer! Don’t take it without a trusted doctor’s recommendation!”

Lance was so busy trying to keep Keith away from the pill bottle he almost didn’t notice Hunk raising the bottle to his mouth. With a show of strength, Keith jumped forward and clamped his hands over Hunk’s face.

“DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THEM ALL!” He snarled. “Weren't we meant to lose weight together?!”

“Th-that’s why I’ll test it out on my own body!” 

“Don’t do it!” Cried Lance. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of that stuff!” Hunk tried to shake the two of them off, but when he couldn’t he started trying to run around to break free of them instead. Lance yelped and held on tighter to Keith, who was holding on tightly to Hunk. “Holy shit he’s strong!”

“An Orc’s strength is second only to giant races like Oni and Cyclops!” Cried Keith. “Fuck, I can’t slow him down! I’m slipping!”

“Hunk! Slow down!” Cried Lance. “Please!”

“I-I’ll show them!” Said Hunk. “I’ll show them all that Orc’s can be skinny no matter what!”

Hunk ran into the hallway and Keith lost his footing. He slipped and fell, grabbing hold of Hunk’s pants and yanked down both his pants and underwear… Just as Krolia, Pidge, and Bae Bae walked through the front door. Hunk squealed in embarrassment and tried to cover himself up. Pidge covered both her and Bae Bae’s eyes. Lance blushed and quickly got off of Keith, who he had landed on. Keith was still holding Hunk’s pants just awkwardly looked up at Krolia, whose expression was completely blank as she just stared at them.

“H-hi mum…” Said Keith. “Welcome back?”

“... This needs an explanation.”

“Okay…”

***

One quick discussion later Krolia was up to date with what had happened and Hunk had his pants back on. “I see…” She said quietly. “Your blind trust in a shady Earth cure caused you all trouble.”

“I’m sorry…” Said Hunk.

“Me too…” Muttered Keith.

“I just really wanted to believe it would work.” Said Hunk quietly.

Krolia nodded and sighed. “Look, I know your intentions were good, but you need to practice better judgement. This world might be peaceful, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t malicious and down right evil people around.”

“You’re right… I’m an idiot...”

“Whoa! This isn’t your fault Hunk!” Said Lance quickly. “The people that tricked you are to blame. Consider why you came here in the first place. With your willingness to try just about anything to lose weight it makes perfect sense.”

The orc smiled slightly at Lance. “Thanks man.”

“But it’s because of your willingness I want you to prioritize your safety over quick results. You’re doing this for your fellow orcs. And that’s why I’m here. I’m going to help you along the way.”

As everyone was talking Bae Bae walked over to the duffle bag that Hunk had brought with him and started to sniff it and yip. “What’s in the bag?” Asked Pidge.

“Oh, my bag!” Hunk went over and picked it up. “I completely forgot I brought it with me.”

“What is in that huge bag anyway?” Asked Lance.

Hunk put it on the table and smiled nervously. “Um well… Truth be told I’ve gone and collected a bunch of really amazing things and I wanted to show you guys.” He unzipped it and started to pull out a bunch of different things. Small weights, yoga mats, hula hoops, protein powders, and a bunch of things Lance didn’t recognise at all. “What do you guys think?” Asked Hunk. “I have every easy weight loss product on the market.”

“...” Lance felt like he was about to have an aneurysm. “You still have the receipts for all that, right?” Needless to say Lance helped Hunk return the majority of the things he had bought.


	12. Caffeinated

It was a bright and sunny day and Lance had decided to do a little gardening. It was just a little rose plant that he had bought from Allura a few weeks ago. He had been taking good care of it, but he was a little worried about it because it started to get little white specks on the leaves. The plant was small and in a pot so he brought it inside while he decided what to do with it.

He looked at Keith walking past him. The elf stopped when he saw the plant and wandered over. “What are you doing?”

“Just wondering what I should do about this plant.” Said Lance. “I’m kind of worried that it’s sick.”

“Maybe I can take a look at it?” suggested Keith as he walked over to the plant.

“Have you grown roses before?”

“Nope.” Keith leaned in close to the plant and closed his eyes. His elf ears wiggled a little. “I see… They have some kind of disease.”

“... What did you do?”

Keith shrugged. “Elves hear the voices of nature. It’s a lot easier to do back in my world because everything is rich in magic. The plants here whisper very, very quietly, because they have no magic in them.”

“Wow! That’s amazing!”

Keith grinned. “Yeah. Elves are amazing… Though I still have no idea how to fix what’s wrong with them…”

“It’s okay. I was thinking of taking it to Allura to see if she knows what’s wrong with it.”

Keith nodded in agreement. “Sounds like a good idea, are you going to take that coffee maker thing back to your sister too?” He gestured over to the coffee pot, filter, and all that other kind of stuff. Lance had been trying to save money by making his own coffee in the morning. It lasted for about one day before he went back to buying it from a coffee shop.

“Yeah… I’ll do that. Mind helping me carry stuff?”

“Sure.”

Keith ended up carrying the plant while Lance carried the coffee stuff. Allura was outside her shop, happily watering some of her plants. She smiled when she saw them and waved. “Hello you two. Lovely to see-” She saw the plant and her eyes went wide. “-Oh dear! That poor baby!”

“Yeah, it has some disease.” Said Keith. 

“Do you think you can help us?” Asked Lance.

Allura nodded and gestured for the two of them to follow her to the back of her shop. “Of course I’ll help. I’d do anything for my fellow plants.” Allura took them out to a small garden out the back of the shop. There was a small garden with a little wooden table and chairs. It was Allura’s little private garden. Everyone sat around the table and Keith put the plant on the table. She carefully studied the plant for a good five minutes before she gave her diagnosis. “Powdery mildew.”

“What’s that?” Asked Lance.

“It’s a white powdery looking fungus that spreads on the leaves.” Informed Allura. “It’s quite common this time of year.”

“So, how do we treat it?” Asked Lance.

She shrugged. “You will have to cut off the parts where it’s spread and then treat it with medicine… I don’t feel very comfortable walking with this plant through my shop again. It could potentially infect my other plants. Would you mind if I treat it here?”

“Of course.” Said Lance.

“Okay. Then here I go.” Allura stood up and put her hand over the base of the plant. Her hand started to glow as she closed her eyes and hummed softly.

Lance was a little shocked. He thought she was going to prune it. “Um… What is she doing?” He asked Keith.

Keith shrugged. “She’s an alraune. They have the power to freely manipulate plants. Not just moving them around, but transforming them into any other type of plant, and of course healing them. Compared to elves, they are much more in tune with nature. It’s a very gentle kind of magic.”

Allura moved her hand away from the plant and smiled. “There. All better now.” The mildew was completely gone, and it had even started to bud.

“That’s amazing Allura!” Exclaimed Lance. “It looks better than new!”

“That’s the magic of alraune’s for you.” Said Keith.

Allura smiled and yawned rather loudly. “Oh, excuse me. Using my powers always makes me rather sleepy…”

“Really?” Asked Lance. “I’m so sorry. It’s still the middle of the day too…”

“Oh don’t worry about it. I was more than happy to help.”

“...” Lance quickly dug around in his bag and pulled out a bag of coffee. “Here. Take this.”

“What is it?”

“It’s coffee.” Said Lance.”A little thank you for helping with the rose.”

She smiled and took the bag from him. “Thank you very much Lance. I gladly accept this gift.”

“Have you had coffee before?”

“Yes, but I can’t recall what it’s like.” That was a little odd of her to say, but then again these people from other worlds are pretty strange. So he didn’t think too much about it.

“Be careful.” Said Keith. “It’s really bitter and gross. You’re going to want to put in a lot of milk and sugar with it.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “You really hate bitter stuff huh? Anyway, I think a little caffeine will help perk you up and keep you awake. How about we have a cup? I’m going to take my coffee stuff back to my sister anyway.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely. I’ll go and get a kettle.” 

Once Allura brought out a kettle Lance happily went about brewing the coffee. The two magical beings commented a few times at how it looked a little like alchemy or potions. Lance just rolled his eyes and happily poured everyone a cup. When Keith got his cup he started to dump lots of sugar and milk into his cup. Allura didn’t bother and just picked up her cup, smelling it.

She smiled and sighed contently. “Oh my, what a lovely aroma.”.

Keith shrugged. “Yeah, smells fine but the bitterness is the problem…”

Allura hummed a little. “It also has a lovely colour. I can imagine it was grown in a top quality humus.”

“Really?” Asked Lance.

Keith shrugged as he tried to discreetly dump the whole sugar pot into his cup. “That’s her green thumb talking.”

She took a sip and froze in place. A warm smile made its way across her face. “Oh wow, there’s almost no bitter notes. I’d even call it fruity. It hits you at first with a refreshing acidity and finishes with a slight sweetness. It’s delicious.”

Lance grinned. “Glad you like it. The caffeine in the coffee should perk you right up. It’s just the right amount to keep you awake. But that’s not the only thing it does. Caffeine stimulates your sympathetic nervous system. It causes the secretion of adrenaline and other hormones. It helps to promote the breakdown of neutral fats, which flood your bloodstream with fatty acids. If you are exercising when this happens your body uses these fatty acids for energy. But that only occurs about an hour after you drink it.” He looked over at Keith and saw him eating his coffee with a spoon. “... What the fuck are you doing?”

“I added too much sugar. So now it’s more of a syrup.”

“... Please don’t eat that.”

“Let me drink my coffee how I want.”

“You aren’t drinking it. You’re eating it with a spoon.”

“And?”

“You really shouldn’t. Coffee is a drink.”

“Says you.”

“Really?”

“Get off my case Lance.”

While the two men were bickering neither of them seemed to notice that the succulent on Allura’s head was starting to swell while Allura was sitting as still as a statute. Suddenly there was a bone cracking sound as the growth on Allura’s head exploded into a venus flytrap.

Both Elf and Human jumped back in surprise as Allura abruptly stood up. “What the hell is that?” Asked Keith.

“You think I’d know?!” Asked Lance.

Keith looked down at his coffee cup and gulped. “Oh no… I’ve heard about this before… When they are sprouts, Alraune’s grow by absorbing nutrients from water and the ground. The characteristics of the soil affect the flower on their heads and their personalities… In other words, the coffee caused this.”

Lance was instantly worried. “A-Allura? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine…” She said quietly. “But you boys on the other hand, like what’s wrong with you? You two really left the house wearing that trashy dollar store shit?” She started laughing. “Oh wow. You two are such an ugly pair. It’s so fucking funny!”

Lance’s jaw dropped. “Allua’s turned into an entitled bitch.”

“Yeah, looks like it…”

“She’ll go back to normal soon though, right?”

“Um… I think so? It’ll filter out of her system eventually.”

Allura looked at both of them and grinned and the flytrap on her head snapped. Vines started to sprout out around her feet as she smirked at them. “Come on boys. Give me a hug!”

“Look out!” Keith grabbed Lance and managed to pull him to the far side of the garden as several dozen vines smashed the chairs that the two of them had previously been sitting on. Lance was quietly screaming. He had no idea what Allura was going to do to them if she got her vines on them.

Allura pouted and crossed her arms. “Geez, are you like, seriously going to blow me off?! Like, I’m trying to show some love to my bestie. We were like, two peas in a pod, but now we’re like, tots withering!”

“Umm… Thanks for the save there Keith…” Said Lance.

“No problem.” Said Keith. “But I have no idea what to do with her. It’s like she’s drunk off her ass… I might have to knock her out.”

“You aren’t going to hurt her, are you?”

“Nah, It’ll be fine. I’ll just give her a tap on the back of her neck.”

Suddenly several vines shot out from the ground right under Lance and quickly wrapped him up. “AH!”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Snapped Keith.

The vines yanked Lance high into the air and brought him over so he was face to face with Allura, even if he was upside down. “Caught you cutie.” She cooed as she booped his nose.

“C-can you please put me down Allura?” Asked Lance.

She giggled. “Aw, I just wanted to get a good look at your face. You’re like such a cutie pie…” She licked her lips and the flytrap on her head slowly opened up fully. In the center of the flytrap was lined with rows and rows of very sharp looking teeth. “I just wanna eat you up!”

Lance started to freak out. “KEITH! SHE’S GOING TO EAT ME! HELP!”

“I know! Give me a second! I didn’t bring my daggers or bow with me!” Keith quickly looked around and found a mop. He grabbed it and charged at Allura. “AAAAHHHH!!!” Before he even got close to Allura a vine picked up an empty pot and slammed it down on Keith’s head, knocking him out cold.

Lance gasped and tried harder to get out of Allura’s vines. “Keith! Are you okay? Please wake up!”

Allura started to laugh sweetly, but it quickly devolved into maniacal laughter. “I can’t hold back anymore! I’m starving! It’s time to eat!”

“KEEEEEEEEEITH!!!”

***

Keith slowly woke up with a raging headache. He was usually the last person unprepared for a fight. Being in this world had made him soft. It touched his head where he got hit. Thankfully he wasn’t bleeding, but had a slight bump. His mum was going to be very annoyed with him for fucking up this badly.

“Ow… Oh shit! Lance! Are you okay?!”

He quickly looked around the garden to see what had become of Lance. He quickly spotted Allura asleep on the ground. The flytrap on her head had changed back into the usual succulent that was on her head. She seemed back to normal now. Which was a relief.

Sitting by her quietly freaking out was Lance. He had been completely stripped naked and covered in a weird, translucent goo that kind of looked like sap. Keith did not know what had happened nor did he want to know what happened.

“Um… I guess he’s okay? Probably not mentally though…”

After Keith went to the shops to grab Lance some pants and a shirt, Allura woke up. “Oh dear. I seem to have fallen asleep… I’d love to have coffee with you two again though.”

“W-we’re going to have to decline…” Muttered Lance.


	13. Knock out

Today was a holiday, and through Rachel’s connections, Lance was able to get Pidge, Hunk, Keith, and Shiro to go to the gym. Since it was just them none of them had to worry about their disguises. Lance had asked Allura, Lotor, and Krolia if they wanted to join in. Allura was waiting on a delivery, Lotor was still working minimum wage, and Krolia was babysitting Bae Bae.

Lance would have preferred them all there, but this was still good. He brought out the punching bags and got everyone some gloves. Lance was showing them how to throw punches properly. They were all giving it their best, but they tired out really quickly. About three minutes after warm up everyone was tired.

“Can we take a break?” Asked Hunk.

“Sure. I have some towels and bottles of water.” Lance happily handed everything out to everyone. “Take five. Time to rehydrate.”

“Your family sure knows a lot of people.” Said Keith. 

Lance shrugged. “My family’s really well connected in the health industry. My mama and papa know at least ten different specialists and doctors. My siblings know lots of different exercise places… Plus I think Rachel has a thing for young guys beating each other to a pulp… She is a big MMA and WWE fan...”

“Your sister is an interesting one.” Said Shiro.

Lance nodded in agreement. “Yep. But it’s thanks to her we were able to come here today, and have it all to ourselves. It’s a great opportunity too. I want you all to experience a variety of different sports. The exercise you guys have done so far is an important part of losing weight, but it’s also a good idea to take up a sport so you can have fun while exercising.”

“Like swimming?” Asked Hunk in a slightly mournful tone.

“... Look, I’m sorry the pool closed, but you gotta work with me here Hunk.” Said Lance.

Pidge frowned a little. “I’m running around to get food for me and Bae Bae. Good stuff. Not just the treats humans keep giving me.”

“That’s really good Pidge.” Said Lance. “And if you like doing that, that’s fine. But what I am talking about is doing a sport that you like to help you relax a little, and have fun. When you’re having fun you hardly know you’re exercising.”

“Well I guess that’s true.” Said Hunk. “I hardly felt like I was working out when I was swimming.”

“Exactly.” Lance clapped his hands. “Alright everyone. Break time is over. Time for some sparring.”

“Like a sauna?” Asked Hunk.

“What’s a sauna?” Asked Pidge.

Lance shook his head. “No, it’s not that. This is where you partner up and, without hurting your opponent, practice your form. We’ll take those skills I just taught you, like footwork and punching, and put them to the test.”

Keith nodded and put on his gloves. “Should we partner up together?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that.” Said Lance as he put on his own gloves. “Since you guys are just beginners you’re all going to go up against me. I don’t want any of you getting injured.”

“Are you serious?” Asked Keith.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Asked Shiro.

Lance nodded. “I’ll be fine. I might not look it but I’ve made it my duty to try and be relatively skilled at most sporting activities. We’ll rotate. One person every three minutes. Want to go first Keith?”

“Huh? Oh okay.”

“Don’t focus on landing punches, but rather your defence.”

“Do you best!” Cheered Hunk.

“I’ll time you!” Said Pidge as she grabbed a stopwatch. 

As soon as she hit the start the two of them quickly started to spar. Keith was pretty good and landed a few firm punches, but Lance kept him on his toes by quickly moving left and right. Occasionally he bopped Keith’s face or nose to annoy the hell out of him. Thant just fired Keith up and he tried harder to hit Lance.

“That’s time!” Called Pidge.

As soon as she did, Keith collapsed to the floor, panting hard. “Holy fuck… It’s only been three minutes, but fuck… I’m tired.”

Lance chuckled. “Well you aren’t used to moving so quickly. Okay, you’re up next Hunk.”

“O-okay!” Squeaked the ork.

Hunk’s form was a little off, but he was trying really, really hard. He aimed a lot more for the chest and Lance let him land a few punches to gain some confidence. His punches were softer than he expected from an ork, but Hunk just wasn’t a very violent guy. Lance could respect that. When Pidge was up she was a much bigger fan of hook punches and uppercuts. She also was better at using her short stature against him and was able to duck and weave a lot faster than Keith or Hunk did. 

“Great work you guys.” Said Lance. “Now-” A loud crack echoed through the gym as a punching bag almost flew up and hit the ceiling. Lance froze and looked over at Shiro. The oni looked all fired up and ready to go.

“My turn now.” He almost growled. 

Lance suddenly remembered that he was a human and Shiro was an oni. It was like a snail trying to fight a shoe. He was going to get crushed. Smooshed. This was not how he wanted to die. If Shiro was gonna kill him he'd want to get smooshed between Shiro’s pecs. 

Thankfully, Keith quickly came to his defence. “Hey! Don’t actually hit him! You’ll literally punch his head off!”

Lance squeaked. “He’ll what?” Lance saw the blur of a black boxing glove and ducked out of the way with a shriek. SH-SHIRO!!!”

“Whoa, sorry Lance.” Said Shiro. “It was just a joke. A little oni joke. I wasn’t actually going to hit you.”

“... Nope!” Lance quickly hid behind Keith. “That hit was way too scary! Even as a joke a punch like that will kill me!”

Shiro seemed a little disappointed but understood. “Okay. Well, somebody else going to step up?”

Pidge shook her head. “Sorry Shiro. I’m a pack leader. Gotta stay alive for Bea Bea. If you hit me I’d turn into roadkill.”

“I don’t wanna die!” Cried Hunk as he pulled his arms over his head to save himself from the oni’s wrath.

Keith shook his head. “Shiro, you’re not even trying to spar. You just want to beat the shit out of something.” Shiro gasped in shock and tried to say something, but Keith cut him off. “You always take it too far. You fucking punched me into a lake when we were sparing back in our world. Twice. We were nowhere near the lake and you broke my ribs. I almost drowned. Also, I’m not going to be your partner either.”

“... Okay. I understand.” Shiro seemed pretty cut up by that and went back to punching a punching bag by himself. Though his punches were nowhere near as powerful as before.

Lance felt pretty bad for him. “I-I’m sorry Shiro, but you’re way more powerful than us. Like, clearly you would be stronger than us. You’re an oni, and we um… We just aren’t. I’d love someone just as strong as you to go up against you but… you know…”

“Oni are just so strong!” Said Hunk. “Like, you’re way stronger than all of us combined!”

“It’s okay guys, I get it.” Said Shiro quietly. “I’ll just practice my form…”

“Huh? Where are the trainers?”

Lance quickly looked over to see a rather tall man rocking one fine dad bod. If Lance was off the clock he probably would have hit on this total bear of a man, but he was busy. Also this man and his sexy gruff voice, and needed a damn brush. His hair was completely covering his eyes.

He walked over to him, quickly noticing he was way taller than Shiro, which was a feat. “Sorry man. The gym is closed for the holiday.”

“What? It’s a holiday today? Well shit.” They muttered. “I thought for sure it was open today…” He then noticed the quartet of mythical people standing behind Lance. “... Wait, then who are those people standing behind you?” None of them were hiding their features; Keith’s elf ears were out, Hunk’s pig ears, Pidge’s dog tail and ears, and the horns on Shiro’s forehead. Lance needed to think fast.

“Oh um… They are… W-we rented the place out for the holiday! Costume boxing!” That sounded plausible, right?

“Don’t bother.” Said Keith calmly. “Lance, this person is from our world too.”

“Huh?”

The man seemed surprised, then chuckled a little. “Well you caught me. Never thought I’d meet an elf here…” They pushed back their hair and revealed that they only had one eye. “I’m Sendak. I’m a cyclops.”

“Oh shit!” Squeaked Lance. “You know, I shouldn't be surprised by this anymore, but I still am.”

Keith shrugged. “Probably. Cyclops are the one-eyed members of the titan tribe. They are very good with their hands and many became master blacksmiths in our world. Krolia’s sword was made by a cyclops.”

“Really? That’s cool.”

“Yeah, but they have some interesting personalities…” Warned Keith. “They can either be calm and placid, or sadistic fucks. Let’s hope Sendak is the placid kind of cyclops…”

Sendak ended up talking with Pidge and Hunk. “So, you squirts are boxing?”

“Yeah.” Said Pidge. “We just started. Lance wants us to try it out to see if we like it.”

“How long have you been boxing?” Asked Hunk.

Sandak shrugged. “About a month. When I came here after the war it was just meant to be a holiday but well… I kind of got lazy and very inactive. No one needs the kind of weapons I can forge in this world, so I’m boxing to get back in shape. Kind of sucks though because no one wants to spar with me. Those weak humans are probably afraid of me.”

“Understandable.” Said Pidge. “The strength of a cyclops is no laughing matter.”

Suddenly Lance got an idea. “Sendak! My name is Lance.”

“Hello Lance.”

“Hi. So you don’t have a sparring partner, right? Because you’re a titan and so powerful?”

“That’s a fair assessment.”

“Then do I have the sparring partner for you!” Lance quickly led Sendak over to Shiro. “If you feel like it, how about you go up against Shiro? You’re both about the same build, so it should be a perfect fit.”

When the oni and cyclops caught each other’s gaze a heavy tension started to fill the air. It was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Both looked like they were eyeing the other up.

Keith quickly pulled Lance away from them. “Okay, you need to stop doing that right now.”

“Huh? Why?” Asked Lance. “Aren’t oni and cyclops both titans? They are perfect fighting partners.”

“That’s the problem.” Muttered Pidge. “Titan races really, really fucking love fighting, competing in tests of strength, and they hate losing. There are all kinds of crazy stories about them beating the shit out of each other for months at a time. Whole clans of titans will wipe each other out just to prove how strong they are.”

Keith nodded in agreement. “Shiro once fought an indestructible iron golem for two weeks straight to prove he was stronger. He only stopped when he fell asleep on his feet and the golem walked off.”

“... Seriously?”

“G-guy?” Squeaked Hunk nervously. “I think we’re too late to stop them…”

The titans were standing chest to chest, death glaring at each other. Neither of them willing to back down lest they show weakness. They both looked like they would snap at any second and kill each other.

Lance gulped. “Hang on! We’re just sparring here! This isn’t full contact! Don’t hurt yourselves by getting too competitive, please! There’s nothing wrong with holding back! Just don’t beat each other senseless!”

“Got it.” Growled Shiro.

“I’ll hold back.” Growled Sendak right back.

With that both titans started to punch each other in the face. It looked more like an all out brawl rather than sparring. Lance was pretty sure he saw a tooth flying through the air.

“Whoa! Stop! This isn’t what you’re meant to be doing!” Cried Lance.

Keith just sighed and put his hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Forget it. It’s no use. They’ll stop once they’ve had enough… Want to place bets on them?”

“What?!” He looked over at Pidge and Hunk who seemed to already be making bets on which titan was going to win. Lance sighed and looked over at the titans. “Well… At least they are getting some exercise…”


	14. Snow dragon

It quickly became Winter and the snow fell hard and thick. Lance had given Keith an exercise program to do while he was at work. Surprisingly, Keith really took to it. He seemed to thrive in the snow. However, he hated suffering in the cold alone, so he managed to convince Lotor to go for a walk with him.

Lotor instantly regretted it. “Why the bloody hell do you only get motivated to exercise when it snows?!” He snapped.

Keith rolled his eyes as he kept marching through the snow. “Come on blubber butt. It’s not gonna stop snowing any time soon. Staying indoors all day is going to make your ass balloon out even more. How long until you won’t be able to fit into pants? I’m doing you a favour h-”

Lotor pelted Keith in the face with a snowball. “Speak for yourself you fat bastard!” Keith yelped, slipped and fell into a pile of snow. Seizing the opportunity, Lotor quickly made a few more snowballs, some that may or may not contain stones, and pelted them at Keith’s ass. “Take that fat ass!” He quickly reached over to a large pile of snow and started to make a few more to throw at Keith. After a few handfuls he managed to uncover a face. “... FUCK!”

Keith quickly scrambled up, still rubbing where Lotor had pelted him before. “What happened?”

“There’s someone in the snow!”

“What? Someone’s in the snow? Shit! Are they dead?”

Lotor held their hand over the person’s face. “No, they are still breathing.”

“Okay, let’s bring them back to Lance’s house! Help me carry them!” Said Keith. The two of them quickly uncovered the woman in the snow and carried her back to Lance’s place.

When they got there the elves quickly started to warm the whole place up. They cranked up the heaters, started to make tea and went to find all the blankets they could find.

“Where is Lance?” Asked Lotor. “In fact, where is your mother?”

“Lance is at work and Krolia’s on a quest to find warm ice cream.”

“That sounds like an oxymoron…”

“You’re a moron.”

Lotor rolled his eyes and took off his coat. “You’re terrible grasp of the human language aside, we need to get her out of her wet clothes so she can warm up.”

“Good idea. You strip her and I’ll grab some of Lance’s stuff.” 

Lotor quickly became flustered. “E-excuse me?! Why do I have to strip her? Aren’t you the gay one here?!”

Keith frowned and crossed his arms. “What does being gay have to do with anything?”

“Don’t you think she will freak out when she wakes up and finds out she’s in a strange place with two men?” Asked Lotor. “If she knows I, a pansexual, stripped her down she might freak out even more! It would be better if you do it!”

“Dude, are you serious right now? If you’re that freaked out leave her underwear on.” Keith left Lotor and quickly went through Lance’s stuff until he found a large cotton shirt and a pair of sweatpants. They looked warm enough. When we went back to Lotor, the dark elf had only managed to get the woman’s jacket off. “Really?”

“Shut up. Her clothes are soaked and really heavy!”Snapped Lotor. Keith rolled his eyes and started to yank down her pants. “Hey! Don’t be so damn rough!”

Keith pulled off her pants just as Lotor managed to pull off her jumper and beanie. Both of them had to take a step back when they saw that this thicc woman had a reptilian tail and horns on her head. Lotor poked her tail a few times. 

“... I think she’s a dragon.”

“Why was a dragon buried in the snow?” Asked Keith. “Fuck, why is she still passed out?’

“Not a clue. Let’s just dress her before she wakes up and decides to eat us.”

About twenty minutes after the elves had redressed the dragon, said dragon woke up. They stayed still for a moment before they started to do sit ups. On the third sit up they noticed Keith and Lotor staring at them.

“You just busted right out into sit ups.” Said Keith.

“Strength training right after waking up is bad for you, you know.” Said Lotor.

The dragon looked around, quickly realising the situation they were now in. They glared at them as a voice started to echo in their skulls. _You damn elves. Where are we? What are you up to?_

Keith jumped a little in shock. “Um, I haven’t been around dragons that much… But is she talking into our minds?”

“Yes.” Said Lotor. “Dragons are beings that wield higher dimensional magic. Telepathy is child’s play for them.”

_I wanna eat meat. I want to lose weight. I wanna eat meat. I wanna eat meat. I wanna eat meat. I wanna eat meat. I wanna eat meat. I want to lose weight._

“... But she can’t stop her thoughts from pouring out…”

“Right…” Keith cleared his throat. “So hi, I’m Keith and this is Lotor. Who might you be?”

_Narti._

“Why were you buried in the snow?”

The dragon shrugged. _Every time I go walking after lunch I get hit with a sudden attack of drowsiness… And then I can’t remember what happened after I wake up._

Lotor frowned. “So why would you walk around in the snow in the first place?”

“It’s obvious isn’t it?” Asked Keith. “It’s to lose weight, right?”

Narti nodded. _Yes. I want to lose weight._

“See?” Keith sighed. “Wow, to think that even dragons are getting turned into lard loads. This world truly is terrifying.”

 _Are you making fun of me?_ Asked Narti. _That is not very wise… You really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry._

Lotor quickly grabbed Keith by the ear and laughed nervously. “Oh we wouldn’t dream of it… Please excuse us for a moment.” He quickly dragged Keith into the next room and spoke in hushed tones. “Hey! Don’t do that. Don’t you know anything about dragons and treasure?”

Keith rolled his eyes. “I know these guys are guarding piles of it. So what?”

“Precisely. And the only people that can get a dragon's treasure is either by slaying it or befriending it… So you get what I’m saying, right?”

“... You want to slay a dragon?”

Lotor rolled his eyes and slapped his arm. “No you moron! We’ll have Lance help her lose weight and if she likes us then she’ll give us some of her treasure. If I can get my hands on that treasure I can work fewer shifts at the convenience store.”

“Lard ass. If we get the treasure you won’t have to work at all.”

“Shut up Keith.” Hissed Lotor. “There is no way Lance will be able to ignore a dragon in need. It’s like killing two birds with one stone.”

Keith sighed and thought about this. “I’m not really interested in treasure but… With that loot I can buy all the fries I want. Okay, I’m in.” They went back to Narti who seemed to be interested in a magazine on the coffee table. “Hey Narti, you want to get skinny, right?”

_... Why are you offering me help all of a sudden? I do want to lose some of my extra gut fat but..._

“There’s a man who can grant you your wish.”

_... Really? Who is he?_

Keith cleared his throat. “They call him… The dragon slender.” Lotor stared at Keith like he was a moron and punched him in the arm at that stupid name.

_The dragon slender you say?_

Keith nodded and rubbed his arm. “Yeah. With his help, you can lose weight no problem.”

“He uses powerful massage magic techniques.” Said Lotor.

_Massage magic? I have never heard of such a technique before… I do not know..._

Lotor smiled. “In this world there are plenty of things we do not know of.”

Narti suddenly looked very excited. _How can I meet him?_

“We can go and get him right now.” Said Keith as he went to grab his jacket. “Come on blubber butt, let’s go and get the human.”

“I will stab you.” Grumbled Lotor. 

The two of them quickly walked to Lance’s workplace. When they got there, Lance was just finishing up and walking out. He looked surprised to see Lotor and Keith waiting for him.

“Oh! Hey guys. What are you guys doing here?”

“We want to have a quick talk with you about something.” Said Keith.

The three of them started to walk home and the elves explained part of the situation. Lance just nodded along and took this all in his stride. “Ah, okay. Another person from the other world.”

Keith nodded. “Yeah. I hope you don’t mind. We also borrowed some of your clothes to dress her.”

“No, that fine. You guys did the right thing.”

“So can you help?” Asked Lotor. “Oh, by the way she communicated telepathically. She talks directly into your mind.”

“... Huh, alright. I can deal with this… I think?”

Lotor pouted. “Well if you-FUCK!” He slipped on an ice patch and fell face first into the snow. “Ow…” He sat up and patted his back pocket. He suddenly gasped in horror and quickly started to scramble around the snow. “Where is it?! Where is it?!”

“Did something fall out of your pocket?” Asked Lance. 

Lotor nodded as he continued to look. “Yeah. It’s a dried lizard that I use for magic.”

“Why do you have something like that in your pocket?” Asked Keith.

“Because fuck you that’s why. Ah! Found it!” Lotor picked up a small lizard on a stick and held it up. As soon as he did the expression on Lance’s face froze and he quickly started to walk away from them. “... Is something wrong Lance?”

Lance laughed nervously. “N-no… It’s um, it’s not like I’m s-scared of it or anything… Magic sure is weird huh? You should use it now b-before it’s no longer d-d-dried out, right? Ahahaha…” The elves shared a look and Lotor held the lizard closer to Lance. The human instantly broke as he almost slipped over and crashed into a fence. “I-I LIED! I CAN’T STAND REPTILES! I WAS BITTEN BY MY COUSIN’S PYTHON WHEN I WAS A KID, AND I’VE BEEN SCARED OF REPTILES EVER SINCE! I CAN’T LOOK AT SOMETHING LIKE THAT MUCH LESS TOUCH IT!”

Both elves seemed pretty amused by this. “I guess even Lance has things he’s scared of.” Said Keith.

“Reptiles? Really? How strange…” Said Lotor. “Wait, aren’t dragons reptiles?”

Both elves started to panic. “What the hell are we going to do?” Whisper yelled Keith.

“Just lie to him!” Snapped Lotor. “Just a little fib so we avoid causing him distress! It’ll be fine. We just need to avoid the whole dragon thing and we will have that treasure in no time.”

“... Fine.” Keith sighed and went to make sure that Lance was okay. “Sorry about the lizard thing. Let’s just go home so you can um… Help her out.”

“O-okay…” He muttered. “Lotor? Can you please not bring that thing into my house?”

“... Fine.”

***

When they got home they got Lance to stay in the kitchen while the elves went to check on Narti. She was still looking at the magazine. _Ah, you’re back. Did you bring the dragon slender?_

“Yeah.” Said Keith. “But first you need to hide your tail.”

_... Why?_

Lotor, as smooth as ever, quickly came up with an excuse. “You might need to do some exercise, so you should cover it up to move around freely.”

 _... Understood._ Narti tucked her tail into her shirt and tied it up in a knot to keep it there. It looked a little odd, but both elves hoped that it would be enough to trick Lance. 

They took her to the kitchen where Lance had made them all some tea. He looked at Narti and blinked slowly. “Oh, so you must be the girl that Keith and Lotor found in the snow. I’m Lance. Nice to meet you.”

_You may call me Narti. The dragon slender… I never expected him to be but a mere child._

“Oh wow! You really are talking directly into my head.” Said Lance in shock. “... Wait, what was that about dra-”

“How about you skip to telling him your body issues!” Said Keith quickly.

Lance frowned a little and took Narti out to the lounge room where she sat on the couch. “Alright Narti, can I please touch your arm so I can do some palpate examinations?”

_Very well._

Lance touched her arm and gasped in horror. “Narti! You’re freezing!”

_Is it not possible to lose weight while being cold?_

“Um, no, that’s not the issue! The issue is why are you hypothermic!?” Lance started to panic. “We need to warm you up right away!”

“She’s fine.” Said Keith. “Lizards are cold blooded animals. Being cold only makes them hibernate.”

“Huh?”

With swift grace and elegance, Lotor jammed his elbow right into Keith’s stomach. “We should get Narti a warm drink! Keith and I will be in the kitchen!” He dragged Keith off and came back with the tea Lance had made a few minutes earlier.

Lance wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. “Narti, being cold causes all kinds of illnesses. This is because it restricts blood circulation. This causes muscle stiffness, inflammation, and autonomic nervous system issues. The latter impedes proper organ function, which in turn cripples your immune system and other vital bodily functions. I suggest you get your body nice and warm.”

 _Understood._ Said Narti as she sniffed her drink. _Just the expertise you’d expect from a massage magician… I’ll carry this arcane knowledge with me._

“Magician? Oh, well it’s nothing… Is there something wrong with your drink?”

 _No. It smells lovely._ Narti stuck her fork tongue out and lapped at the tea before she drank it. Lance couldn’t help but stare. Did she really have a fork tongue? 

Lotor nudged him. “Hey. Stop staring at her. It’s rude.”

_This tea is really lovely. Thank you so much. It really warmed me up._

Lance smiled happily at her. “No problem. That’s great. Now what’s your biggest body issue?”

Narti lifted up her shirt and pointed to her belly. _My mid section has expanded. I seek to reduce it. My stomach gets in the way when I walk on four feet. I seek a way to fix it._

“Four feet?” Questioned Lance. He just shook his head and rolled with it. “Okay, I could teach you some exercises. An important part of exercise is to understand which muscles you’re working. This time, it’s the muscles around the stomach and hips. I’m talking about abs, obliques, transverse abs, and so on. When you stimulate this region the waist tightens up. For effective core exercises I suggest crunches, Russian twists and dumbbell exercises. These exercises are effective but also taxing on the body.” Said Lance. “So some people, if they suffer an injury doing them it’s so painful they won’t continue exercising.”

Narti nodded. _I see. I will be careful._

“Well, here is a simple exercise we can all do.” Said Lance. “It’s an arm swinging exercise.” He clapped his hands and got everyone to join in. “Alright everyone. Straighten your back, bend your arms at right angles, and put one leg back. Now, swing your arms back and forth quickly for the next one to two minutes. But don’t let your legs move. When you’re done switch your legs and start over.”

“Is there anything else we can do?” Asked Lotor. “Just asking since it isn’t super practical when I’m at work…”

“Oh sure.” Said Lance. “Have you ever used a hula hoop?” The trip shook their head and Lance shrugged. “It’s fine. So stand with your feet just a little wider than your shoulder width, and move your hips around in a circle. Make the biggest O you can with your hips. Without over balancing. Do ten rotations one way and then ten rotations the other way.”

The trio did as instructed, but no one really noticed that the knot Narti had tied in her shirt was starting to slip until it was too late. Narti’s tail fell out. There was no hiding it. Everyone saw her tail.

“Shit!” Hissed Keith. “Hey Lance are you okay? … Lance? Keith snapped his finger in front of his face. “... He’s standing… But he fainted. Should I put him on the couch?”

Lotor frowned a little. “That is… Unfortunate. But it can’t be helped.” He looked over at Narti, who was wiping some sweat off her forehead. “Narti, if you keep up this routine you’ll lose weight for sure.”

_I believe you are correct._

“So how does it feel?” Asked Lotor. “The power of the Dragon slender? Have we not earned your approval?”

 _I see… Well I guess I should reward you both for your help._ Narti went over to her clothes and quickly dug around the pockets until she had something. She walked over to the elves and dropped a few shiny pebbles, some marbles, bottle caps, and a few broken pieces of incense sticks. _Here. These are the most valuable things I was able to collect from this world. Take them. The are yours._

Narti quickly redressed herself and headed out. Keith looked down at the dragon’s treasure and looked back over at Lotor, who looked like his soul had completely left his body. “Was that really worth it?”

“Shut up potato pig.”


	15. Big boned

Lance and Keith were relaxing and watching TV when they happened to come across some daytime TV show about people losing weight. They paused for a moment when they showed the before and after pictures of a woman who was just a little overweight. Nothing a month or two of diet and exercise couldn’t fix, but her after pic was shockingly thin.

“Isn’t she too skinny now?” Asked Keith. “You can kind of see her bones…”

Lance nodded in agreement. “Yeah, she probably went too far, but it’s understandable. These days with Instagram and photoshop a lot of people are unable to tell the difference between what is real and what is fake. Most of these kinds of TV shows and ads target women and play on their insecurities. It’s natural to have fat rolls when you bend over, cellulite is normal, thigh gaps are shockingly unhealthy on most body types.”

As Lance talked Keith very carefully reached under the coffee table and took out a bag of fast food he had hidden there. He had snuck out earlier and bought three large fries and planned to nibble on them throughout the day. The perfect time to do so was when Lance was ranting about health stuff.

“It really upsets me that the media portrays skinny as the superior body type.” Said Lance. “Not every body is the same. Like seriously, just look at a lineup of olympians. The top male or female runner looks radically different from the top male or female kickboxing champion. Each body is different and requires different things to achieve their full potential and… Why are you still eating fries?!”

He grabbed Keith’s hand and pulled it away from his face. Keith pouted. “I thought you just said I shouldn’t get too skinny?”

“You shouldn’t get too fat either!” Snapped Lance. Keith gasped in shock and he suddenly looked depressed. “... I didn’t mean you were overweight… I’ll make you lo-calorie fries for dinner.” The doorbell rang and Lance frowned slightly. “I’ll be back in a second.”

When Lance was gone, Keith quickly shoved a handful of fries onto his mouth. Fries were good. They were comforting. Fries wouldn’t hurt him. They were too pure to hurt him.

Moments later Pidge walked into the room as her dog self with a bone in her mouth. Hunk followed her while talking to Lance. “-And Pidge said she was on her way here too, so I thought I would tag along. Does she always come over?”

Lance shrugged. “Lately she’s been coming over with a bunch of bones and the leaves. You guys want something to drink? I can make coffee or tea.”

“Tea would be really nice. Thank you.” Said Hunk. He sat by Keith and the two of them started talking while Lance went to make tea. 

Hunk talked about going to a new gym and how much fun he was having going to some of the weight classes. Keith mentioned that he probably should start to go to the gym instead of just running around the park. Hunk encouraged him to do so since there was a lot of stuff you could do there and the people there were generally nice.

Lance came back with some tea. “Okay guys, here’s the tea… What the hell are you doing Pidge?” The trio looked around and saw Pidge halfway under the couch. She looked stuck. “... Damn it Pidge!”

Lance took hold of Pidge’s hips and pulled her out. As he yanked her out something rolled out with her. It was about the size of a melon and bone white. Probably because it was bone. It was a human skull. Everyone froze in horror.

“WHAT THE FUCK PIDGE?!” Screeched Lance. “WHY IS MY COUCH FULL OF BONES?!”

“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” Squealed Hunk.

“HOLY SHIT?! DID YOU KILL SOMEONE?!” Cried Keith.

Once everyone had calmed down they moved the couch and were shocked to see that there was a whole skeleton under Lance’s couch. The bones were completely picked clean. There were no ligaments or muscles at all But the bones were well cleaned and taken care of. It was almost museum quality. 

“I… I can’t believe there was a whole skeleton under there…” Whispered Lance. “Do i call the police? How am I going to explain this?”

“Did you seriously kill someone?” Asked Keith.

Pidge shook her head. “Oh hell no! I didn’t kill anyone! I just found these bones when I was walking around the park! I just like chewing on bones!”

“... Yeah, you totally killed them.” Said Keith.

“Fuck you Porky Pig!”

“Just admit it.” Said Keith.

“I didn’t kill anyone!”

“You’re getting pretty upset about this.”

“That’s because you’re laying!”

“Says the lying liar that killed someone.”

“Calm down Keith.” Said Lance. “I don’t think Pidge is lying.”

“Lance, you’re way too soft on that dog.”

“What are we going to do with the bones?” Asked Hunk.

Lance shrugged. “No idea. Maybe we can-”

Suddenly the skeleton sat up and looked down at their hand. “Finally! I can move again!” Everyone in the room froze in horror as the skeleton stood up and stretched. “Feels good to be all put together again!”

“Ahh! A bone monster!” Cried Hunk

“A w-what now?” Whimpered Lance as he slowly moved to hide behind Keith.

“A bone monster.” Said Hunk. “In the last moments of life, they hold regret, hatred, or other strong negative feelings in their hearts, so the magic power in their bodies turns them into the undead, and they come back from the grave.”

Lance nodded a little. “Right, so they come from the other world too?”

“That’s right!” Said the skeleton. “You can call me Romelle. Pleased to meet you all. But first...” They pointed at Pidge. “For collecting my bones you have my gratitude. Thanks to you I can move again… Though I didn’t appreciate you chewing on them. I forgive you.”

“Um… Thanks? I think?”

Hunk leaned towards Keith. “Looks like she’s not evil at all. She seems kind of nice?”

“I guess so. I guess I’d be happy too if I was able to move again.” Muttered Keith.

“Um, Romelle?” Said Lance quietly.

“Ah yes, what is it Lance?” She asked.

“Can I ask what you are doing here in this world?”

“...” Romelle sighed sadly. “I can tell you, but it’s a long story… I served as a mage for a certain kingdom in the otherworld. But one day, I was falsely accused of treason… I tried to clear my name but it was all in vain and I was sentenced to execution. When I woke up I was reborn as a skeleton. I wandered around aimlessly, and I got totally lost. I don’t even know if the kingdom I served still exists today. I eventually stumbled upon a dungeon and passed through a door. I found it was connected to this world… But the instant I arrived I was hit by a truck and my bones scattered everywhere.”

Keith nodded. “Well, that explains why you were all in pieces.”

Romelle nodded. “Yep. Well, now that I can move again I’m going to enjoy this world!”

“In that form?!” Blurted Lance.

Romelle sighed, and despite her lack of facial muscles she looked extremely upset. “I see… You have realised it by now… You can’t see how fat I’ve gotten when all you can see is my bones!”

“... How the hell does a skeleton even get fat?” Questioned Lance.

Romelle shrugged and pointed to her shoulder blades. “My back is kind of flabby and it’s bugging me.”

“... How are you seeing that?” Questioned Lance. “You’re a skeleton.”

Romelle sighed and cracked her knuckles. “Well, I guess I’ll have to try and make myself visible then… Here we go!” Romelle clenched her fists tightly and her bones started to glow. Powerful magic surrounded her and everyone took a step back. The glow expanded out until it covered all over her bones. From her neck down her skin was slightly see through, but her face, eyes, and hair were opaque. She appeared as a fair skinned woman with blond hair and purple eyes. “Ta-daa!”

“Whoa…” Said Hunk. “You used your magic to cover yourself with a skin?”

Romelle grinned. “That’s right. This is the only visual representation of the body I have now.” She turned around and pointed to the slight pudge on her back. “Can you see it now?”

“Yeah…” Said Lance.

“I just can’t stand that extra flab!” She whined.

“Just ask Lance for help.” Said Keith. “Lance is a pro when it comes to this stuff. Me and everyone else here rely on him for help with our diets.”

“That’s right.” Said Pidge.

“Lance is really good at this stuff.” Said Hunk.

Lance couldn’t help but blush and feel a sense of pride. Romelle looked at the trio, then to Lance, then back to the trio. “Have any of you actually lost weight?”

“...” Lance took his tea and looked away. His pride completely shattered. “That’s because I’m bad at my job…”

“Hey! I got in shape!” Whined Pidge.

“I’d still appreciate help.” Said Romelle. “I know it’ll probably be a challenge but I am willing to give it a go!”

“Will it even help?” Asked Lance. “I mean, you are a skeleton so…”

“No, it’s fine. I appreciate it.” Reassured Romelle.

Lance sighed a little. “Alright… So I’m guessing you don’t exercise that much?”

“Yes, my job as a mage meant I relied on my mind and not my body.” Explained Romelle. “I hardly moved all day while I was in my tower ready to protect and serve the crown.”

“I see…” Lance thought for a moment. “Well, of course lack of exercise causes muscle atrophy, but that could also be the cause of your back fat. You should fix this by stretching and doing muscle training to increase your metabolism, which burns fat. Also, Romelle, you kind of have bad posture. It kind of looks like what people could commonly call “hunchback”. The weakened back muscles cause the front muscles to be drawn tight. Hunching can cause problems like stiff shoulders, and constant slouching also puts pressure on the organs which can contribute to other issues. Let’s immediately fix your posture as much as possible.”

“Do skeletons even have organs?” Asked Hunk.

Romelle giggled and grinned. “Nope.”

“Let’s just try and improve your posture…” Muttered Lance. He and Hunk cleared the living room out and got ready to do some stretches. “Okay, so we’re going to do stretches. Jumping straight into muscle training with a hunchback can just make things worse. So to start, we will loosen up your muscles and give you a sense of correct posture.”

Lance quickly demonstrated a few simple yoga poses. He showed them how to do the cat stretch and cobra pose. When they were done, everyone seemed happy. This gave Lance an idea about something to do with them in a few weeks. 

“That was fun.” Said Romelle. “I’m surprisingly sweaty already.” Lance was going to question how a skeleton was able to sweat, but decided better of it.

Hunk nodded in agreement. “Yeah, same.”

There was a spark of excitement in Romelle’s eyes. “You got me all fired up now! What do we do next? Teach me something else! Please!”

“Oh, okay?” Lance wasn’t used to a client being so enthusiastic about exercise before, but it was nice for once. 

***

Over the next few days Lance, with the help of Hunk, Keith, and Pidge, helped Romelle with stretching and muscle training. Romelle had a lot of fun running with Pidge, going to the gym with Hunk, and trying to help Keith hide his fries from Lance.

After a few weeks of hard work and dedication, Romell saw results. “What do you guys think?” She asked. “My back has totally slimmed down hasn’t it?” 

“Good job Romelle.” Said Pidge.

“You worked really hard.” Said Hunk.

“Impressive.” Said Keith.

Lance nodded. “Just goes to show what a bit of hard work and dedication will do. Now I guess you’re going to go out and finally enjoy this world, huh?”

“...” Romelle frowned a little. “Well, that’s what I thought I would do but…”

“But?”

“I wish I could enjoy this world but I can’t.” She said quietly. The magic that made up Romelle’s skin started to shimmer and glow. “Thinking back on it… Back when I first became a skeleton I spent a long time dejected and alone… During that period of solitude I thought back on a lot of things… On the verge of death, I thought about pain… terror… sadness… anger… hatred… And on the day I woke up I was full of despair. Why do I suffer from these feelings of grief alone…?”

“Why is she glowing?” Whispered Lance. “Is she going to explode?”

“Shut up Lance.” Hissed Pidge.

“But when I spent time with you guys, I forgot all about that gloomy stuff. I really enjoyed dieting with you all so much.” Romelle’s skeleton fell out of her body, leaving Romelle’s spirit form. She seemed to have glowing fairy wings behind her body. Was she about to pass over? “Thank you so much… and… Goodbye…” Romelle vanished leaving behind a pile of bones.

Everyone was shocked and saddened. “So she was a fairy…” Said Keith quietly. “Us elves are very close to their race… At the very least we should bury her. Somewhere with water and lots of trees… Somewhere in the park…”

Hunk was crying heavily. “R-Romelle’s gone!” Pidge hugged him and patted his back.

Lance kneeled down next to Romelle’s bones and gently held her skull. “... Dieting is just a process… The important thing is what comes afterwards. The real fun comes after you reach your goal… We wanted more for you Romelle… We wanted you to really enjoy this world…”

“Really? Is that true? I;m looking forward to it!” Said Romelle’s skull.

Lance shrieked and almost dropped her while Hunk was just relieved that Romelle was still there. “What the hell?! How are you still alive? I thought you passed on?”

“Well, what you just said really filled me with regret so I was reanimated.” She explained. “Damn, I lose a little weight and now I’m a bunch of bones again.” And so yet another person from the other world had been added to Lance’s list of clientele.


	16. Yoga Master

With a few phone calls Lance managed to get Keith, Krolia, Shiro, Lotor, and Sendak to get together for a group session at night. He had taken the group to a hot yoga studio. It was like normal yoga, but in a humid room. His mama seemed to think it was good, so Lance was happy to bring everyone in on it.

“Glad you guys could make it.” Said Lance as the group walked in. “We’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.”

“Why is it so humid in here?” Asked Keith.

Lotor rolled his eyes. “What’s the plan for today?”

“I also want to know why this place is so damn humid.” Muttered Sendak.

Shiro just laughed. “Geez, you guys have no clue? There’s only one thing you could do in a place like this.”

Lance was relieved that one of them seemed to know what was going on. “I’m glad you’re familiar with this place Shiro. I figured I’d have to explain it to everyone, but…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Said Shiro with a grin. “Just leave it to me.”

“Thanks man. You’re a lifesaver.” Lance quickly picked up a few bags. “Here. Take these.”

“What is it?” Asked Keith. 

“A change of clothes, and a towel.” Lance then gestured over to the change rooms. “The Men’s change room is over there. You guys can just get ready in there. Krolia, the women’s change-”

“Must everything be segregated by gender with you humans?” Asked Krolia. “In our world these kinds of archaic and obtuse segregation is just so… I can’t help but shake my head.”

Keith shook his head. “Sorry about that Lance. She’ll just use the same change room as us. Most people from our world aren’t as scared of our bodies as humans seem to be.”

Lance sighed and shook his head. “It’s more about modesty… but whatever. It’s not harming anyone. Just take the bags and go get ready,”

“You heard the human.” Said Shiro. “Follow me.”

While the group went about changing Lance laid out the mats and adjusted the humidity. He was going to go through some easy stretches first to see what their skill level was. After that he’d slowly increase the difficulty until they all found their limit. From there he would work on helping them increase their flexibility. He quickly left the building to grab some extra water bottles from his car. 

Less than ten seconds after Lance came back into the building everyone was walking out of the change room. However, there was something very, very wrong. Every single one of them was naked. Lance froze in shock with his mouth agape.

“Okay, we’re ready.” Said Shiro.

“WHY ARE YOU NAKED?” Cried Lance.

“What do you mean why?” Asked Shiro. “It’s a sauna.”

Lance was horrified. “What? No, no, no, no!”

“Hey mum, is this your first time in a sauna?” Asked Keith.

Krolia nodded. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to it.”

“It’s my first time too.” Said Sendak.

“Remember what I said earlier.” Warned Lotor. “Put a towel down before you sit down. You don’t want to embarrass yourself like the chunky pig over here.” He gestured towards Keith.

Keith glared at him. “Fuck you too balloon ass.”

“Knock it off you two.” Said Shiro. “The sauna should be a place to enjoy peace and quiet.”

“Let me handle this.” Said Krolia calmly. She walked over to the two bickering elves, grabbed a handful of Keith’s belly fat and a handful of Lotor’s ass fat and twisted harshly, making them both yelp. “Quiet you two.”

Shiro shook his head. “You two… Hey Lance, can you crank up the heat? It’s not nearly hot enough in here.”

“THIS ISN’T A SAUNA!” Yelled Lance. “PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!” Five very awkward minutes later everyone was dressed again and Lance was trying to explain what was going on. “We’re doing hot yoga. It’s yoga done in a high-temperature, high-humidity environment to make you sweat profusely.”

Keith nodded and looked at Shiro. “So you were completely wrong?”

Shiro shrugged. “It was a hot, humid room, so naturally I thought it was a sauna.”

Sandak shook his head. “I don’t think you get what a sauna is…”

Krolia ignored her son and probed for more answers. “So what exactly this yoga thing?”

“Well, it started as a form of spiritual practice in ancient India.” Informed Lance. “But in modern times, it has separated from its religious roots and become a form of exercise. The poses called asana, put a strong emphasis on breathing techniques. It’s said that they’re the best form of calisthenics… And when you put it in a hot room you get hot yoga.”

“So we’re doing calisthenics?” Asked Sendak.

Lance nodded and gestured down to the floor. “I spread out some yoga mats for you guys. Go ahead and pick one to stand on and we can start.”

“Sounds kind of hardcore…” Muttered Keith as he found a mat. “If this used to be a religious thing… Some ritual practices can be pretty crazy.”

“It’s okay.” Said Lance. “There are poses you can do even if you’re a beginner.”

“And you’ll teach us?” Asked Lotor.

Lance nodded. “That’s right. I used to do gymnastics in middle school and highschool, so I’m really flexible. Marco and I have also been coming here for about half a year, though I usually just do the yoga classes and not the hot yoga classes. Either way, Marco knows the woman that runs this place and managed to pull some strings for us.” He clapped his hands and took his place at the front of the room. “Okay, let’s start. With the most basic pose. Easy pose, or sukha asana.”

He got the group to sit on the floor with their legs crossed. He instructed them to make sure that their pelvis is not tilting forward or backwards. It needed to be flush against the ground. He made sure that their back was straight, and their shoulders were relaxed, nit tense.

“Now take a deep breath down to your core.” Said Lance calmly. “The easy pose is very good for meditation as well if you guys feel so inclined.”

Keith sighed. “Man, I’m just sitting, but I’m already sweating…”

Lance chuckled. “Yeah, the hot air will do that. You guys are going to sweat quite a bit, so remember to stay hydrated. No point doing exercise if you don’t look after yourself.”

Lance happily got them to do several different poses and explained their benefits. Happy baby pose to improve poor blood circulation, help relieve constipation, and reduce lower back pain. Garland pose to increase hip joint flexibility and train the muscles around the pelvis area. Chair pose to strengthen your lower half and reduce tightness in the hip area.

“Your form is very important, but so is your breathing.” Reminded Lance. “Breathe deep, but not deep enough that you put stress on your body.”

Staff pose to improve posture, build core strength, and stretch out the lower body. Downward dog pose to improve blood circulation, reduce tightness in the back, thighs, and hips. Tree pose to train core and leg muscles, reduce swelling and sensitivity to cold. Warrior pose to reduce stiffness in shoulders and reduce tightness in the lower half of the body. Triangle pose to strengthen the core and to stretch out the sides and legs.

Lance grinned and happily walked around the group and helped them adjust their postures ever so slightly as they were in the middle of triangle pose. “Wow, you guys are really good at this. Looks like it won’t be long until we can move onto the more advanced poses.”

Lotor was struggling to get into proper position and was wobbling slightly. “It’s kind of hard to keep balance in this position…” He muttered.

“Oh, don’t worry about it Lotor.” Said Lance. “Your body has always been a bit on the tight side.”

“That sounds like sexual harassment.”

“You know what I mean. Just be careful not to push yourself too far.”

“Yeah, Okay.” As Lotor paused to catch his breath he couldn’t help but feel like a very smug, potato loving elf was smirking over his shoulder. He looked over at said smug elf balancing on one leg in dancer pose.

“What’s wrong Lotor?” Cooed Keith. “Just do your best. We all have to start somewhere.”

“... Fuck you.” Growled Lotor, and he quickly performed a spinning kick, hitting Keith hard in his ass with enough force to knock him to the ground.

“FUCK!” Yelped Keith as he hit the ground. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“YOU STARTED IT!”

“Please don’t fight…” Said Lance quietly.

As the two elves fought with each other Shiro sighed as he and Sendak moved into moon pose. “Are those two fighting again?”

“Yep.” Muttered Sendak. “Those two fight more than us titan races. It’s ridiculous.”

“Tell me about it.”

Krolia herself seemed to have completely tuned out the chaos around her and had reached a zen state. She was breathing calmly as she effortlessly moved into warrior pose three. Yoga seemed to come naturally to her.

Meanwhile Lotor had armed himself with several bottles of water and was pegging them at Keith. “Fucking die you pot bellied piggy!”

Keith skillfully dodged a gottle and growled. “How many times do I have to teach you a lesson, Lardtor?!”

The water bottle missed Keith and hit Shiro right in the chest when he and Sendak were in eagle pose. He stumbled back a little as he grabbed it and shook his head. “Those guys… Seriously, they are going to end up hurting each other…”

“Hmm… Interesting…” Muttered Sendak.

Shiro frowned and looked over at the cyclops. “What?”

He shrugged. “Oh nothing… Just noticed I was able to hold the pose longer than you did… Well, not like it matters. Not like it’s a competition or anything...”

“... What?” Growled Shiro as he took a step towards Sendak. “You looking for a challenge, one eye?

“Suits me sauna boy. First one to put their other foot down loses?” Asked Sendak in a dangerous tone.

“Hey!” Snapped Lance. “No fighting! I’m talking to you two too! Not just Keith and Lotor!” The two titans were quickly standing on one leg each and trying to aggressively push the other over while Lotor and Keith were running around throwing water bottles at each other while screaming bloody murder.

Lance felt like crying. All he wanted to do was to introduce them to a healthy activity. He had no idea how it ended up like this. However, Krolia was still unaffected by the chaos around her as she moved to reverse warrior pose. It was like some incredible force of will. Something she had probably learned from years on the battlefield in her world. Krolia was a true yoga master.

She easily moved to the next pose and dodged Keith throwing a water bottle back at Lotor. It was impressive, however the bottle completely missed Lotor and knocked Lance the fuck out. With the speed and grace that only Krolia possessed, she skillfully caught the poor man. If Lance was conscious at this point he would have been extremely happy with Krolia’s breasts squishing up against the side of his face.

“Shit!” Hissed Keith. “I am so sorry Lance!”

“Unbelievable…” Muttered Krolia. “Lance has sacrificed so much to teach us and this is how you all treat him? You four… Are the worst.” She stood up, grabbed Sendak and Shiro by the back of their heads and knocked their foreheads together, knocking them out. She then repeated the same with Lotor and Keith. She sighed as she stood in the middle of the room. The lone soldier amongst her knocked out companions. She took a deep breath and moved back into warrior three pose. “Seriously… Some people are just so ungrateful.”


	17. Chubby cheeks

Keith hummed and hawed as he stood in front of the vending machine by the park. He had been going for a walk, like Lance told him to, and had gotten thirsty. The vending machine had boring water, juice, soft drinks, energy drinks, and flavoured milk. He was wondering what drink would be best to pair with the fries that he quickly snagged earlier on his walk. They were small fries, so Lance should be proud of him.

He opened up his wallet and had a look through it. He had some money and a large wad of coupons, all for a 5% discount on any order of two large fries. A discount was a discount and if that meant more fries for Keith, then he was happy. The bundle was so big he had to use two elastic bands to keep them together.

He took some coins out of his wallet and quickly shoved them into the machine to make his purchase. He was going to be healthy and get water. Even though juice would have been really nice. As he did, he accidentally knocked the coupon budle out. But it landed near his foot, so Keith wasn’t worried that someone would come by and swipe it while he quickly punched in the numbers for his drink.

As soon as he grabbed his drink he bent down to retrieve his coupons, only to see that it was gone. “What?! What the fuck?! Where did they go?” Keith quickly looked around in a panic. His coupons were gone. How could this have happened? What kind of evil deity would be malevolent enough to do something like this to him?

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a small dark shape currying away and around a corner. There was no one else around, so that person had to be the one that took their coupons… Unless it wasn’t a person at all and was some kind of magical manifestation conjured by someone with ill intent… There was only one person who could be so evil. Lotor.

Keith quickly stormed over to the convenient store where Lotor was working and confronted him about stealing his coupons. “Give them back Lardtor!”

“Fuck off! I don’t even like fries! Why the hell would I take your stupid coupns?” Snapped Lotor.

“Take that back! Fries are the best!” Snapped Keith. “Besides, you dark elf jerks only have one job, harassing elves like me! You don’t need a reason!”

“My one job is as a convenience store employee!” Snapped Lotor. He made a dismissive sound and crossed his arms. “I don’t have time for elf pranks.”

“Hey! I’m not done talking to you!”

“Keith, I have nothing to do with your bullshit potato coupons. If you’re not a customer, get out of the store. I have a lot of cleaning to do.”

Keith glared at Lotor for a few seconds before he grabbed several bags of chips and put them on the counter. “I want these…”

“Coming right up.”

***

A few days later Keith was still pissed off at Lotor for stealing his coupons. It didn’t help that Lance had organised group exercise with Lotor and Shiro. They were just doing cardio and therefore walking around a lot. They were giving each other the cold shoulder the whole time. Keith had explained the situation to Lance, so he informed the oni when they were doing cool down exercises by the playground.

“-and that’s the story.” Said Lance.

Shiro just shook his head. “You know, people always go on about how elves are regal and perfect, but you two are acting like children.”

The two elves huffed, ignored them and continued to do their lunges. “Come on guys…” Said Lance. “Just make up already. When you’ve finished your cooldown we can go out for lunch. My treat.”

“Can we get fries?” Asked Keith.

“No.”

Keith huffed and continued to lunge. Clearly he was not impressed with the lack of potato options for his meal. Lance just shook his head and continued to watch the elves. As they did some children from the playground wandered over to them.

“Whoa…” Said a little boy. “That guy is huge…”

Shiro looked down at them, grinned and showed off his fangs. “Boo!” The children squealed and ran back to the play equipment. Shiro just chuckled as he watched them scamper away. Though he suddenly felt like there were several pairs of eyes watching him. He quickly turned around and glared at his three companions. “H-hey! Why are you staring at me?”

“Some oni women have very strong maternal instincts.” Keith informed Lance. “Depending on how male oni are raised they either treat children with indifference or with just as much ferocity as an oni woman. When I was a kid Shiro babied the hell out of me.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Hey! I didn’t baby you!” Whined Shiro. “I was just making sure you didn’t get hurt or killed when Krolia was off doing dangerous things! I wasn’t trying to be your daddy or anything.”

Lotor snickered. “It always sounds so dirty when an old man refers to themselves as daddy.”

“You know what I mean!”

As the group continued to talk, they failed to see what was happening with the children on the playground. A child walked onto the playground and the children all lined up. They offered this child candy and sweets before running away, off the playground and out of the park as fast as their little legs could carry them.

Shiro sighed and readjusted his hat. “Well, since the cooldown is over, I’m outta here. If I get into an argument with these guys all the little brats watching are gonna start laughing at us and… They’re all gone? I didn’t even notice...”

“Hey!” Yelled a high pitched voice from the top of the slide. The group looked over to see a little girl, no bigger than a five year old standing there with their little green hoodie pulled up over their head. Their chubby little face completely filled out the hood. “You guys are on my turf! If you want to play here, pay up!” They held out their hand and grinned, expecting something.

Shiro couldn’t help but grin. “Aw, aren’t you a precious little rascal?”

“Who the hell is that?” Asked Keith.

Lance shrugged. “Must be some kid from the neighbourhood. Also, watch your language around kids.”

“What’s the hold up?” Asked the kid. “Hand it over already!”

Lotor glared at the kid and cracked his knuckles. “Yeah, no. This brat has no manners. Time to dispense some dark elf parental punishment.”

“Hey! You can’t beat up a kid!” Snapped Lance. “Also, you’re a man! In this world any man laying a hand on a kid could be seen as super sketchy and suspicious! Heck, if someone sees us even talking to this kid could call the police!”

Shiro just laughed. “Aw, come on you guys. Don’t be mean to the kid. Kids are way cuter when they act all tough like that.”

Lotor huffed and put his hands on his hips. “Her cocky attitude has gone too far. Really, if she doesn’t straighten herself out soon her entitled attitude will earn her a beatdown. When I’m done with that kid they’ll write horror stories about your face. Get down here right now so I can adjust your attitude!”

The kid obviously didn’t like that and slid down the slide, ran up to Lotor, and punched him hard in the ass. “Don’t make fun of me lard ass!” Lotor got punched with such force that they fell over into a heap and clutched the spot on his ass where he got hit.

“Oh my god!” Cried Lance. “Are you okay?!”

“Hey! No need for that.” Said Shiro as he easily picked up the child. He had a cheery expression on his face. “Come now kid, violence is not the answer.”

“Wh-what?” Snapped the child. “Why are you so strong?!”

Eventually they got the kid to calm down and put the child down near some tires stuck in the sand on the playground. The child still seemed to be really grumpy, but Lance wanted to get the kid back home. It was the middle of the day, but he was pretty sure this kid’s parents might be worried about them.

“So what’s your name?” Lance asked.

“... Moontow.”

“Moontow?”

“That’s what I said, string bean!”

“Hey! I was just asking.” Muttered Lance. “Do you always act like this?”

“Of course!” Said Moontow proudly. “Running my territory is how I get paid! How I earn my living!” They opened their cargo pants and showed that their pants were filled with different kinds of candy. “Look! I scored a bunch again today!”

Lance was shocked. This kid was a complete bully. “What? This is…”

“I collect entry fees from those guys playing in the park.” Said Moontow. They smirked up at Lance and put their hands on their hips. “And I still haven’t gotten payment from the time you guys have been playing here before I got here. So I’m going to have to kick you deadbeats out.”

Lance was not impressed. “Dude, you’re basically stealing from people. Why are you doing this?”

“Hey, don’t be so rough on her…” Said Shiro quietly.

Moontow frowned for a moment and quickly turned around and dug around for something in their pockets. Seconds later they turned back around and had fat tears in their eyes. “... The truth is… I… I was abandoned by my parents… I was hungry… so hungry… and so, just to survive… as a last resort…”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Dude, we can see those eye drops you got in your hand.”

While everyone wasn’t believing Moontow one bit, there was one oni that was. Shiro looked like he was close to tears. “That’s too horrible… How could anyone do that?” He had bought Moontow’s story hook, line, and sinker. He scooped Moontow up in his arms and hugged her. He unintentionally jabbed her in her chubby cheek with one of her horns. “Don’t worry Moontow! I’ll become your papa!”

“OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!!!” Cried Moontow as she flailed. “You’re goring my face with your horn, and you’re also breaking my spine!!”

Keith sighed and shook his head. “Okay Shiro, put them down and have a drink or something. You may think she’s a starving little girl, but I recognize this hustle, and that stumpy silhouette.”

“S-stumpy silhouette?!” Spluttered Moontow. She put her feet on Shiro’s shoulder and pushed herself off of Shiro. She spun through the air and landed on the ground. Her hood had fallen back revealing her small, pointy, non human ears. “I can’t stand people like you, you damn fatass-”

Keith shot an arrow at them, but Moontow quickly jumped back and avoided it. He didn’t seem very surprised that he didn’t hit them. “Huh, I missed them.” He muttered.

Lance froze in shock. He had no idea where Keith was keeping his bow and arrows. Also, Lotor seemed to have summoned his staff. Were they really going to fight a kid? This didn’t seem right. “Um Keith? Is that kid…?”

“Yeah, they are from our world.” Said Keith. “Moontow is a hobbit. They might look like children, but this one is definitely an adult.”

Moontow pouted and crossed her arms. “An elf huh? No wonder you’re so stupid.”

“I think she’s talking about you Lotor.” Said Keith.

Lotor rolled his eyes. “No, she’s definitely talking about you.”

“By the way, thanks for the gift you moron.” Moontow took Keith’s coupon bundle out of her pocket and held it up.

“Hey! Give those back, you little shrimp!” Snapped Keith.

“No way. Finders keepers!” Taunted the hobbit.

Keith took a deep breath and raised their arrow at him. Lance started to panic again. “Woah! That’s really dangerous Keith!”

“Relax.” Said Keith. “I’m using the blunt side.”

“There is no blunt side!”

Keith didn’t give a shit and he started to fire multiple arrows at the hobbit. They just laughed and dashed around while taunting him. It was kind of impressive how fast Moontow was. Moontow dived for the tires and their fat, chubby cheeks, immediately caused them to get stuck.

“... You got me…” They muttered.

“... Are you okay?” asked Lance.

“Why do I have to suffer like this?” She muttered. “I ripped off a bunch of human kids and took their candy, and I ended up gaining weight… I just wanna go back to how I looked before...”

While they were talking Lotor jabbed Keith’s face. “See? It wasn’t me that took your stupid coupons. Why now Mr proud elf?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Ooh, what was that?” Asked Lotor. “I can’t hear you?”

Lance crouched down in front of Moontow. “I think I can help you get your face in shape.”

“... Are you mocking me?”

“No, not at all.” Said Lance. “I can really help you out. Isn’t that right Shiro? … Shiro?” He looked over to the oni. All the life seemed to have left his eyes and he was mumbling incoherent words about hobbits and getting tricked. “... Is he in shock? … Anway, I can help you, but first you need to agree to my terms.”

“What are your terms, human?”

“You can’t do bad things anymore. Like extorting children for candy. Understand?”

“Umm… Okay. You got it… I’ll follow your instructions until the end…”

“Awesome. Now let’s get you unstuck.”

Once Shiro was over his shock, Lance got him to free Moontow from the tire. After that, Lance got the group to stand up straight, tilt their heads back, and flail their tongues from side to side. It looked ridiculous.

“Does this even do anything?” Asked Keith. 

“Y-yes.” Stuttered Lance as he tried to suppress a giggle. “You can stimulate your facial muscles by moving your mouth and tongue around. The end result depends mostly on your skeletal features, so as a rule I can’t say for sure, but I believe you can work off some of the fat in your face. I also recommend a massage after your lift-up exercises. It should feel like this. Excuse me Moontow.”

Lance put his hands on her cheeks and squished her face up so her lips were puckered in an exaggerated manner. He then gently pulled back so her mouth was a thin line. He couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Hey! Don’t play with my face!” She snapped. 

“Sorry.” Said Lance. “I needed to demonstrate how it’s done. If you stick to this routine your looks should improve.”

“Is that so…” As they were talking, the other three copied what Lance had done to their own faces. They couldn’t help but chuckle at how dumb everyone else looked.

“Yep.” Said Keith. “Now remember to keep up your end of the deal too. You won’t do bad things anymore.”

“... Sure.”

Lance smiled and clapped his hands. “Alright. Well, come on you guys. Time to go to lunch.”

“Okay.”

“Hey!” Snapped Keith. “That hobbit never gave me back my coupons!”

Moontow rolled their eyes and handed them back to Keith. “I didn’t even want this anyway. I thought I picked up a wad of cash, but it was just some worthless garbage.”

“GARABAGE?!” Cried Keith. “Bitch I can drop kick you into the trash!”


	18. Full salted fries

With all of Keith’s hard work and Lance’s effort in to make sure he was staying dedicated to his exercise routine, Keith was starting to slim down. Keith was standing in front of Lance’s mirror as he lifted up his shirt and happily looked at himself. He actually had a waist line again. Still a little pudgy, but he wasn’t round anymore.

Lance grinned and clapped his hands. “Good job Keith. You’ve done very well.”

Keith grinned and put his hand on his stomach. “Ha, I’ve done pretty well at slimming down. huh?”

“Yeah, you look really good. I’m proud of you.” Said Lance. “You look like you’ve reached your goal already.”

He chuckled. “Ah, not really. I used to have abs, but this is really good. If I lose a little more fat from my core, my body will be back to normal and I’ll be able to get to go back home.”

“That’s awesome. Want to come with me to the supermarket? I have some things to pick up for dinner.”

“Heck yeah!” Keith was pumped. He was in a really good mood and so was Lance.

Keith had made huge efforts and was so close to his goal, but at the same time that made him feel kind of… sad… He had grown used to having Keith around. Keith might have been obsessed with potatoes and kind of lazy, but he was a good person. It would be a little lonely without him around. However he would still have Krolia living with him and everyone else would be coming by, but it wouldn’t be the same without Keith.

As they left the supermarket Keith was talking a bit about the other world and his pseudo family. “-Which means I’m going to get my ass kicked. But Kolivan’s got a good heart. Antok’s a bit of a prick though.”

Lance laughed. “They sound like an interesting family.”

“Yep. But they are my family…” He grinned. “Hey, maybe when I go back to my world it’ll motivate Krolia to try a bit harder and she’ll come home soon too?”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah… I’ll still come and visit though.” Said Keith. His stomach suddenly started to growl. “... I’m hungry.”

Lance laughed. “Don’t worry, we’ll make dinner as soon as we get home. Stir Fry vegetables and brown rice.”

Keith sighed a little and nodded. “Sure… Okay.” However, on their way back home they happened to pass a B.B Burger place. It was a fast food chain in the city. It was very popular, and like most fast food places you could smell the deep fried food from the street. Keith paused for a moment and looked over at Lance. “... I um… I’ve been working really hard on my diet, right?”

“Yeah, you have.” Said Lance. “... Okay, you can get some fries.”

Keith looked like he had been slapped in the face. “Really?”

Lance nodded. “Yep. But only if you get one small fries. It’s a pre-dinner snack after all.”

“Heck yeah!”

“Buddy, you’re acting like a spoiled child.”

Keith shrugged and walked inside. “Come on Lance, I’ve spent my whole life either not getting what I want or trying hard to make what I want and it just looks like a cheap imitation that’s nowhere near as good. Fries never fail to disappoint.”

They got in line and Keith ordered his small fries. As he did the woman behind the counter grinned at him. “Congratulations!” She said. “Today is national potato day, and so this store is handing out a year’s worth of “one free fry” coupons as a present to a lucky customer buying fries. And because of your purchase you were selected! Congratulations sir!” The woman bushed back one of her long blond pigtails and handed over a large stack of coupons over to Keith, along with his small fries. “Here is your year’s supply of coupons. Enjoy.”

Keith stared down at the coupons before he slowly picked them up. “... I… I am the fry king.” He quickly slammed ten of them on the counter. “I want to use ten of them right now!”

“Damn it!” Lance grabbed Keith by the arm. “What are you talking about? You can’t just do that! We agreed on one small fries and that was it!” He looked at one of the coupons and gasped. “These are for one free extra large fries?!”

“Ha Give me those potatoes!”

“Coming right up sir.”

“Keith, remember what you were saying about going home like five minutes ago?”

That made the elf pause. “... Lance… Sometimes fries are more important than family.”

“Here are your fries sir!” Chirped the woman as she handed over a carryout bag, much to Lance’s horror. “Come back soon!” The two started to bicker as they left the store. If they hadn’t been so distracted, they might have noticed the evil smirk flashing across the cashiers face.

***

A few weeks later Lotor and Shiro headed over to Lance’s place. This was because the last thing they had heard from Lance was that Krolia was heading off to explore the city, and to possibly find more ice cream. 

Lotor was cold and bundled up while Shiro was content with walking around in a jacket. “I hate how cold it gets here… I believe the expression is; I’m freezing my tits off.”

“It’s not that cold.” Said Shiro.

‘Well unlike you I don’t have as much muscle mass to keep me warm.”

“Want to run ahead of me?” Asked Shiro. “It’ll help get your blood pumping and warm you up?”

“Go suck a cyclops dick.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Someone’s cranky today.”

“I’m cold and cranky.” They got to Lance’s place and knocked on the door. “Lance? Are you there? We’re coming in.” Much to their surprise the door was unlocked. They had a look around and there didn’t seem to be anything disturbed or moved around to indicate a breakin. “... Don’t humans usually lock their doors?”

Shiro shrugged and turned on the heater. “Humans do like to lock everything away for weird reasons… They aren’t very trusting. I wonder where those two went?”

“Probably for a walk or something.” He yawned and stretched. “Well, let’s just make ourselves at home until they get back.” 

The two of them sat around Lance’s house. They read his books, watched his TV, and just generally poked around the kitchen to see what was in there. They also made some tea, and Lotor actually took a bath. It was around eight when they heard the front door open.

“Finally.” Grumbled Lotor. “Where were they? We came here and they just ended up wasting our time and-”

“Oh hey guys.” Said Keith as he lumbered into the room. He had doubled his size and looked like he was back to what weight he was when he first started getting help from Lance. Maybe a little heavier, since it looked like he had a double chin and was starting to work on his third. He had a large fries in his hand. Lotor and Shiro’s jaws dropped in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“Holy ancient…” Muttered Lotor. “W-what the fuck?”

Keith gave them a confused look. “You two look like a griffin getting pelted with rocks.”

Shiro quickly regained his composure. “Um… Hi Keith… Where’s Lance?”

“Oh, he’s right behind me.” Keith gestured to Lance. Their rather skinny, slim, well toned man had gotten thicc. He actually had a round belly and while he wasn’t as round as Keith was, Lance was close. Lotor and Shiro almost screamed. Something had happened to these two.

Lotor lept at Keith and started squeezing Keith’s belly and cheek. “WHY ARE YOU TWO SO FAT?! HOLY SHIT YOU’RE A FEW POUNDS AWAY FROM GETTING MAN TITS!”

Keith flailed and attempted to push him away. “Hey stop! I can’t move around in these clothes so much, or they will rip!”

“THEY ARE GOING TO RIP BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT YOU MORON!”

Keith ignored him and offered his fries to Lance. “Want some?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“STOP EATING THOSE FRIES ALREADY!” Lotor was pissed. After seeing the way those two were acting and the fries in Keith’s hand, Lotor had easily put two and two together. “That satyr bitch has really got her hooks into you two!”

Keith was confused. “What are you talking about? We haven’t seen Nyma in months.”

Shiro shook his head. “Keith, I can’t see this happening through any other means besides magic… Maybe you might get this fat by yourself because you have no self control when it comes to fries, but Lance? Can you honestly see him getting this fat without some kind of magic being involved? Did something unusual happen in the last few weeks?”

Keith frowned a little as he thought that over. “Um… Nothing in particular… If I had to choose, it would probably be the time I won a year’s supply of fries…”

“Yeah, that sounds like it.”

Lotor frowned and looked at the fries in Keith’s hand. “Can you pass me those for a moment?”

Keith shrugged and handed them over. “Sure. Have as many as you like.”

“I don’t want to eat them porky!” Snapped Lotor as he snatched them. “I want to inspect them.” He put one hand over the fries and they started to glow. Lotor frowned and shook his head. “It’s faint, but there is a faint trace of magic in these fries. This is the work of a saytar.”

“WHAT DID THAT BICTH DO TO MY FRIES?!” Cried Keith.

“That’s what you’re concerned about?!” Asked Lance. “Lotor, do you know what she did?”

“It’s a charm spell.” He said. “Temptation and confusion are a specialty for charm users… I suspect that she might have charmed the salt and tainted the fries with magic. You just eat one or two and your brain becomes sluggish and doughy. You start binge eating and before you know it you’ve eaten several large fries.”

Lance frowned and nodded. “That probably explains why I felt kind of sluggish when I was eating fries with Keith… It always felt like I was eating something incredibly delicious...”

“That’s because fries are always delicious!” Exclaimed Keith.

“Wait… Weren’t you also charmed Keith?” Asked Lance, “I thought you were resistant to her magic, so your weight gain has nothing to do with this. Your cravings shouldn’t be any stronger than usual.”

“...”

“... I fucking hate you sometimes.”

Shiro suddenly turned his head towards the window. “Speak of the devil…”

The group looked over at a woman who easily opened the window and stepped inside. “I can’t believe my magic wore off so easily… No matter, I already got the results I wanted. Long time no see you stupid elf!”

Keith glared at her and looked her over from head to toe. “... The cashier from B.B Burger?”

“... Oh right, gotta change back.” She snapped her fingers and Nyma reverted back to her satyr form. “Ha! My revenge is complete! It all went according to plan! You’ve gotten nice and fat, you disgusting elf!”

“Who the hell are you calling a disgusting elf?!” Snapped Keith.

“Don’t tell me you forgot!” Snapped Nyma. “I did this to humiliate you!”

“What? Seriously?” Keith was very confused.

Nyam looked shocked. “How dare you! You horrible people stripped me naked and that disgusting human ogled my body!” 

Shiro and Lotor glared at Lance. Lance attempted to explain that was not what happened at all. Also, Lotor was there. He should know. 

“That’s why I decided that I must have my revenge on that elf!”

Shiro sighed and shook his head. “Look, If you want to make Keith fat, that’s fine with me. He kind of has it coming. The boy has made a lot of enemies.”

“Fuck you too Shiro!”

“But why did you drag Lance into this?” Asked Shiro. “Like, you said you want revenge on Keith, not Lance.”

Nyma huffed and crossed her arms. “I have been thinking about that as well… But there was no way around it. He’s been working hard to lose weight. If I only gave Keith fries, then Lance would put a stop to it. So I made Lance get fat too. Two birds with one delicious food stone.”

Lotor rolled his eyes as he summoned his staff, ready to beat her ass. “But if you succeeded in making them fat, isn’t your revenge now complete? Since there is no point in wasting our magic then please leave.”

“True, but the plan wasn’t just to make you fat…” She reached her hand out to Lance and her eyes started to glow. A blue aura started to get pulled from Lance’s body. “I still have one more thing I have to do!”

“She’s trying to absorb his desire!” Snapped Lotor. “If she converts it into magic she’ll power up!”

“I’m on it!” Said Keith as he quickly moved to grab his bow and arrows. “He who strikes first wins!”

“Too late!” Giggled Nyma. “And just like that, my victory is secured!” The group froze. They had no idea what kind of evil magic Nyma had managed to cast in that split second. Suddenly, the sound of clothes ripping echoed around the room and Keith’s clothes ripped to shreds. Nyam laughed at him. “I call this one the; Quickly fattening up, clothing shredded to pieces by quick movement in glorious combat, and crying your eyes out! Plan!” 

Lance covered his eyes because he was in such shock. Lotor and Shiro just looked at each other like this was the dumbest plan they had ever heard. Keith was just picking off the pieces of clothing that were still stuck to his body.

Nyma was laughing maniacally. “Now you will experience the same humiliation I did! Look at how shameful you are! Have that human gawking at your naked body! Do you realize how humiliating this is? Haaaa ha ha haaa!”

Keith looked at her in confusion. “Lady, what’s your problem? I literally get a rub down from Lance when I’m practically naked all the time.”

“... Wait… What? A r-rub down?” Asked Nyma in horror. Her mind instantly went to the gutter as she imagined Lance and Keith touching each other in such intimate and lewd ways. “Ru-rub down? You two do it while you’re both n-naked? Ru-ru-rubbing against each other?!”

“He means a massage!” Quipped Lance.

Nyma fell to the floor. Completely distraught that her plan to humiliate Keith and Lance had failed. “H-how can this be? I can’t… I can’t possibly win against these lewd degenerates! Kill me now!”

Shiro sighed and shook his head. “What a lame conclusion…”

“Agreed.” Muttered Lotor. “If I knew how this would have ended I would have picked up an extra shift at my job instead.”

Keith grinned and patted Lance on the shoulder a few times. “Looks like we won this round Lance.”

“Hurry up and get dressed!” The sudden pat caused Lance to jerk forward slightly, and Lance’s clothes tore to shreds. Both Lance and Keith were standing in the middle of the room ass naked. Shiro and Lotor face palmed while Lance’s soul seemed to escape his body.

“Um… My bad…” Muttered Keith.

Nyma screamed. “W-WHAT?! WAS THAT SHOULDER PAT REALLY ENOUGH TO TEAR CLOTHES APART?! NOOOOOO!!!” She quickly sprung up and escaped into the night.

Keith seemed rather proud of himself and laughed. “Looks like we won’t be seeing that woman again anytime soon.”

“Looks like it.” Said Shiro. “Now go put some pants on. The both of you.” And with that the satyr had been repelled once again.


	19. Seafood

After a lot of hard work and effort, Lance and Keith managed to get back to their original weight before Nyma tried to humiliate them and destroy their efforts. Lance had a high metabolism, so he lost weight faster than Keith did. Keith ended up losing weight too but he ended up back at his chubby elf self. Keith was not pleased by this, but he preferred this to being a fistfull of fries away from a heart attack.

Lance decided he would try and take Keith down to the fish markets to help him get a better grip on how to develop and maintain a balanced diet. It was rather quiet when they went down with very few people. He happily pointed out some fresh cuts of salmon in the display.

“Salmon is really high in omega three and fats.” Said Lance.

“I thought I was meant to be avoiding fats?”

“Trans fats are the ones you need to avoid.”

“... Not all trans people are fat Lance.”

Lance gave Keith a confused look. “Trans fats is a type of fat. I’m not talking about transexuals. Anyway, what kind of stuff do you usually eat in your world?”

“Most elf diets consist of mostly vegetables.” Said Keith. “But because of war stuff we have had to expand our diets so we wouldn’t pass out and die from hunger. We’ve reluctantly introduced red meat, white meat, and fish into our diets, but I still prefer potatoes.”

“Of course you do.”

“What? I can’t help it… Plus I don’t really like fish. The texture and the bones… It makes me feel all gross.”

“Will you try some fish for me?” Asked Lance. “We’ll try and find a recipe you like? There are lots of things we can do with fish. Remember, this world has spices.”

Suddenly a woman behind the counter slammed her hands down on the top of the display case. “Hey! What can I do for you guys!”

Lance jumped a little in shock. “Ah!”

The woman chuckled and grinned. “Ah, sorry about that. My bad. My bad. Nice to meet you guys. Haven’t seen you guys around here. I’m Plaxum. I recently started working here in the fish market. If you two need any help choosing fish you just let me know. I know the best for sashimi, what you want to grill, what’s fatty, and what’s just full of protein. I also have a bit of an idea of what fish you might like to try for a more fish based diet… Yeah, I might have heard you two talking about losing weight there.”

“This woman sure does talk a lot…” Muttered Keith.

Plaxum ignored Keith’s comment. “Fish is tasty and great for you. It’s all you need for a beauty diet. I eat fish for three meals a day. Thanks to that my skin is soft and tender!” For emphasis she poked her pointer fingers inter her dimples to make a more exaggerated grin. However, when she did this she exposed her arms. Her upper arms were not as slim as the rest of her.

“Tender?” Questioned Keith. “Don’t you mean flabby?”

Plaxum pouted a little and sighed. “Yeah… I’m sad to admit it, but ever since I came here I haven’t been able to go swimming as much as I used to… And I have started to eat some more tuna… Now people are pointing out that my arms bulge out of my gloves like a pot belly pig…”

“... Was that a jab at me?” Growled Keith.

Lance sighed and quickly intervened. “Please excuse him. He’s an idiot.”

“Hey!”

“Ah, no problem.” Said Plaxum. “Anyway, let me tell you what we have in stock today and maybe you can buy some?”

“Sure.” Said Lance. “What do you have?”

Plaxum clapped her hands. “Okay, so we have some great horse mackerel today…” As she gestured to the fish the skin around her eyes and forehead started to dry and flake. “I can also recommend the skip… jack… tuna… I…” She started coughing and her voice went raspy.

“Are you okay?” Asked Lance. “Is something wrong?”

“I… I’m fine…” She croaked as she started to step back. “J-just give me a second…” She quickly grabbed a bucket, stuck the hose that was pumping water into the fish tank into the bucket, and mixed in a descaler solution. She then shoved her face into it. Seconds later she came back up with her skin as fresh as ever. “Sorry about that. My scales were getting dry.”

“...” Lance just looked over at Keith for confirmation.

The elf nodded. “Yep. That’s a mermaid. Half human, half fish. The jury is still out if a human fucked a fish or if a fish fucked a human.”

Plaxum seemed to take offense to that. “Hey! That’s mean! I have legs right now!”

“Yeah, well how do you do that?” Asked Keith. “Never seen a mermaid on land before.”

“Oh, mermaid medicine.” She said. 

Keith raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t mermaid medicine really hard to come by? Like, isn’t it made from distilled mermaid tears?”

She shrugged. “Well yeah, but in this world we found an amazing substitute. This!” She took a bottle of 5hour energy from her pocket and showed it to them. “Here. This medicine has some or similar components to mermaid tears. One gulp keeps us transformed for up to 5 hours.”

Keith took the bottle from him and looked at the bottle. “Huh, interesting… It’s interesting how something like this exists in this world.”

Plaxum nodded in agreement. “Yep You never- EEK!” There was a loud thump and Plaxum fell over. The two men looked over the counter at Plaxum. She was on the ground now, with her lower half now being fishtail.

“Are you okay?” Asked Lance.

Plaxum gave him a thumbs up. “Yeah. I’m good… Unfortunately I can’t really swim in this form… Because my arms are so flabby. It’s embarrassing…. Well, I guess I could transform and swim in the ocean when there aren’t many people around… I don’t like the levels of salt and pollution in this world’s ocean, and when I’m in human form I sink like a rock…”

“Um… Well I can’t do much about the ocean, but I can help a little with the arm stuff.” Said Lance.

Plaxum looked down at her arms and poked her arm a few times. “Really? You can fix this?”

Lance nodded. “Yeah. I believe many women suffer from sagging upper arms. This sagging is typically caused by atrophying muscle, falling metabolism, and fat storing up. In the case of upper arms, training your biceps and triceps seem to help reduce the sagging. You’re going to want to work your triceps and biceps. Not using your muscles causes them to weaken, so you should do some light muscle training.”

“Hmmm…” Plaxum rubbed her chin in thought. “Light training you say?”

“Yep. But if you train too hard, muscle and fat will make your arms bigger.”

“I’d get swole?”

“Um I guess?” Lance shook his head. “Anyway, I think pushups should be effective. You can do pushups against a wall if you like. Keep your back straight and do about 5-10 reps with 10 second intervals.”

“Oh, that sounds pretty easy.”

“Yeah, using dumbbells is also good.”

“I don’t own a dumbbell…”

Lance shrugged. A lot of people didn’t have dumbbells. “That’s fine. You can use a 500ml plastic bottle filled with water instead.”

“Huh… alright.”

Lance smiled and handed Plaxum her 5hour energy bottle back. “Here. Also, since your problem seems to be in your arms, I also suggest a lymph massage after exercising and a bath. First, massage in circles under your armpit . Then to massage your arm you squeeze from wrist to elbow and then from elbow to armpit.”

Plaxum quickly downed her bottle of 5hour energy and did the massages Lance told her to do. “Huh… Alright. That was really nice of you. Thanks… Um?”

“Lance. The name is Lance.”

She smiled. “Lance. Thank you Lance. Oh, I want to give you something to thank you.” She started to dig around the back for a bit before she came back up with a large plastic container with a green stripe on it. It was full of small orange balls. “Ta-da! Top tier salmon roe! Please take it!”

“Isn’t that stuff really expensive? Can we really take it?” Asked Lance. He wasn’t a huge fan of salmon roe, but he knew his mama was on a Japanese kick these days. She would probably really appreciate it.

Plaxum shrugged. “Nah, it’s all good. This is close to the expiration date anyway. No one buys it since it’s so expensive. We sell it to restaurants, but they don’t buy all of it. You’ll be doing us a favour if you guys take it.”

“Oh, well in that case I guess we’ll take it.”

Keith looked at the box in mild horror. “Ew, what are those weird pimple, spider egg looking things?”

“Salmon fish eggs.” Said Lance. “They are pretty good.”

“Fish eggs?” Keith looked like he was going to be sick. “That’s… And you eat them raw? Straight out of a fish’s coochy?”

Lance snorted back a laugh. He did not expect Keith to ever utter the phrase; straight out of a fish’s coochy. “I’m pretty sure they are washed before they are sold. Look, why don’t you give them a try? You might actually like it and we can work on adding more fish and fish based things to your diet? Adding more protein might help.”

Plaxum happily held up a spoon. “Here. Love it or hate it, you have to give them a try. They are little balls of flavour.”

Keith frowned and put a few on a spoon. “Okay… Well, I’ll give them a try…” He didn’t look very happy about it, but he put the spoon in his mouth and slowly chewed, making a face the whole time.

Plaxum giggled at his reaction. “So? How are they? What do you think? I-” She suddenly paused and looked down at the lid. “Wait… Green stripe? Oh no… Oh no… no, no, no, no…”

“Is something wrong?” Asked Lance.

“These… These are the wrong eggs…” Said Plaxum. “These… These are my eggs…”

Everyone froze in horror. Was this like some chicken thing where mermaids would just lay eggs every once in a while? Was it a seasonal thing? Were those eggs even fertilized? Lance slowly looked over at Keith. The elf’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fainted. His body was twitching slightly as his body shut down from the horror of eating a mermaid’s eggs.

“Shit!” Cried Lance. “Someone bring him some french fries, stat! He needs a palate cleanser right now!”

“Isn’t he being overly dramatic?!” Asked Plaxum as she went to grab some fries for the unconscious elf man.


	20. Slim shake

A dark smoke billowed out of Lotor’s kitchen as he stirred a dark, viscous liquid on his small stove. He added shavings of mandrakes, bat wings, and lizard eyes. Soon, very soon it would be complete. He very carefully waved his hands over the pot and started to mutter out a spell while wearing his ridiculously tight, supposedly magical, leather fetish gear.

There was suddenly a puff of white smoke that billowed out of the pot and Lotor chuckled darkly. “Finally… It’s complete… Now to test it out… On that flabby elf… HA HA HA!!!”

The next day Lotor happily headed over to Lance’s place with a bag in hand. Naturally the door was open again because Keith didn’t bother locking the door behind him when he left, or he was just lazy and didn’t give a damn about locking it while he was lazing around inside.

“Sorry to intrude!” He called. “I brought you something nice! … Hello? Keith?” Lotor looked around for Keith but was surprised to see that there was no one there at all. He huffed in annoyance and put the bag down on the table. “Guess I’ll go for a walk and come back later…” He muttered. Lotor left the bag on the table and headed out to walk around the block.

***

A few minutes after Lotor left, Lance came home from his walk. “Hey Keith! I’m home!” He called. He looked around the house and was surprised to see that Keith wasn’t home. “... Seriously? He left the door unlocked again?”

He sighed heavily and went to watch some TV. He saw the bag on the coffee table and opened it. Inside was some kind of soft drink that had an odd purple metallic shine. The label looked like it was written in some kind of Asian language that Lance couldn’t read at all.

Lance shook his head. “Really Keith? You bought some random soft drink? Again? … I wonder what flavour this is? Probably grape or berry?” He thought for a moment. When was the last time he’d had a soft drink? Keith probably wouldn’t mind if he had a little taste.

***

“Damn it Lotor you piece of shit dark elf!” Snapped Keith. “Curse you and your stupid giant ass!”

Lotor just rolled his eyes. So what? He just happened to see Keith at a vending machine and gave him a light nudge to make him hit the wrong button on the vending machine. Now he had a bag of peanuts instead of the soda he wanted.

“You ruin everything.”

“Are you really that upset over a bag of nuts?”

“Yes I am!” Snapped Keith.

“Well I guess I can spot you a drink.”

“Good. Give me three bucks.”

“Not right now you’ll have to wait.” Said Lotor. “You’ll get your drink soon.”

“The fuck does that mean?”

“I had some business with Lance, so I decided to pay him a visit.” Said Lotor calmly. “Showing up empty-handed would be rude, so I bought him a drink. Unfortunately no one was home so I left the drink there and decided to kill time by walking around. I just happened to run into you and decided to mess with you.”

“You’re a dick, you know that right?”

Lotor rolled his eyes and started to walk back to Lance’s place. “You have mentioned it a few times. Now, if you would like to follow me you can have the drink.”

“... Is it carbonated?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

As they walked back, Lotor couldn’t help but smirk as how easily he was able to get Keith to eat right out of the palm of his hand, or rather drink right out of it. Normally Keith would reject anything Lotor would give him, but the butter ball elf was too thirsty to care. Now it was time for him to test out his weight loss elixir to see if it would work. If something went wrong he should be able to fix it easily.

However when they got back home… Lotor didn’t think he was going to fix it. He didn’t think Lance would drink it.

“HOLY SHIT!” Cried Keith. “LANCE! WHAT THE FUCK?! ARE YOU OKAY?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!”

“K-keef?” Muttered Lance quietly in a tiny squeaky voice. “W-what’s going on?”

Keith picked up Lance and stared at him. The poor human had shrunken down to the size of a toddler. In fact, he did have the body of a toddler. Lance looked down at himself, his shirt now looking like a dress on him. He cried out in shock. 

“M-MY BODY?! W-WHAT HAPPENED?!”

Lotor stood back and slowly sighed. His weight loss elixir, was a complete failure. Lance certainly did lose weight, but not in the way he had in mind. He didn’t know if he could restore Lance to his normal body, but he should probably do this without telling Keith that he was the cause of this. Keith would probably try and beat his ass if he found out the truth.

Keith sat Lance down on the couch and frowned. “Shrinking aside, do you remember anything else weird happening to you?”

“I-I don’t think so…”

“Well, I don’t think you’re in danger, so that’s a relief.” Said Keith.

“B-but why did my body shrink Keef?” Asked Lance. He sounded so distressed.

“Well, I think I know who’s behind this.” Said Keith confidently.

“What? Who?”

Lotor froze in shock. Keith had figured out it was him so quickly? Of course he would figure it out. The drink he had made was still on the coffee table. He told Keith he was going to give him a drink when they got to Lance’s place. He had to think of a way out of this quickly before that hippo of an elf decided to body slam him into the afterlife.

“That damn satyr!” Growled Keith. “That damn bitch probably did this to you for more revenge. She’s so immature!”

“Keef? W-will I stay like this forever?”

“Heck no. We’ll figure something out Lance.” Said Keith. “You just gotta keep calm and we’ll think of a plan together.”

While they were talking Lotor was eyeing the drink on the table. He wasn’t exposed, but he needed to grab the bottle to make an antidote. While Keith was comforting Lance and talking about getting revenge on Nyma, he went to grab it. Nyma was going to have to be his scapegoat for the moment. He was about to grab the bottle when he heard Keith loudly clearing his throat.

“Hey! Fat ass!”

“What?!”

Keith was cuddling Lance close to his chest. Lance’s face was completely bright red as he was pressed up against Keith’s very soft chest. “We don’t have any kid’s clothes here. We need to buy some. Help me buy some.”

“... Fine.” He would have to retrieve the bottle later.

“K-Keef?” Said Lance quietly.

Keith looked down at him. “Hmm? What up shortie?”

“I-I’m sorry for being a burden to you…”

“What are you talking about?” Asked Keith as he walked to the door. “After all you’ve done for me? This is nothing.”

After half an hour of clothes shopping the trio made it back to Lance’s place. They bought Lance a bright blue shirt, overalls with a shark stitched on the front pocket and little yellow socks. He looked absolutely adorable.

“O-okay. What do we do now?” Asked Lance. “What can we do to fix this Keef?”

“Simple.” Said Keith as he sat on the couch. “We catch the satyr. If she’s the one who did this, she should also know how to undo it. She came by to gloat last time she fucked with us, right? We just have to wait for her to come back and we can catch her. If that doesn’t work we will do our best to catch her.”

“R-right!”

Lotor frowned a little and nervously chewed on the corner of his thumb. This might be starting to get out of her hand. Suddenly the doorbell rang.

“Oh! That’s Shiro!” Said Lance as he started to toddle towards the front door. “I promised him a cooking lesson today!”

“Oh? You did?” Asked Keith as he and Lotor followed him. Lotor was internally screaming as they got closer to the door. This was getting way, way out of hand.

As soon as the front door opened, Shiro saw Lance. The oni looked down at Lance in shock before he quickly scooped Lance up in his arms and hugged him tightly, almost crushing Lance with his man tits. “Aren’t you just the cutest little thing ever!”

“Don’t crush him you dumb ass!” Snapped Keith. He started to tug on Shiro’s arm. “Let him go thunder thighs!”

That just made Shiro squeeze Lance tighter. “What? No way! He’s my child!”

“How is that even possible?!” Snapped Keith. “You’re not Hispanic!”

“He takes after his mother!”

“You’re gay!”

“... She looked very, very many when I finished several barrels of whisky!”

“Quit it! You’re scaring Lance!”

“No I’m not, I… Wait… Lance?” Shiro looked down at the toddler in his arms. “Lance?”

Lance smiled nervously up at him. “Um… H-hi Shiro…”

They went to the lounge room and Keith explained what was going on with Lance and the satyr. Shiro happily listened while he had Lance firmly seated in his lap. He didn’t seem to want to let Lance go.

“I see.” He said with a smile on his face. “So you think Nyma used her magic to shrink him down. Well, for now I don’t think there’s any problem here.”

“Of course you would say that!” Growled Keith. “Why couldn’t you just have indifference towards kids like a normal male oni? We’re going to capture Nyma and reverse her spell. Lance has done plenty to help us, so you need to return the favour too Shiro.”

“Aww… Fine…”

While they were talking Lotor was still eyeing the bottle on the table. No matter how complex the situation got, he still needed to get the bottle back. It was his fault that he wanted it hidden from them, but he could return Lance to normal if he could just run some experiments on it. But how the hell was he going to distract everyone?

“Um, Sh-Shiro?” Squeaked Lance.

“Call me Papa.”

“I’d rather not… A-anyway, you came here for cooking lessons, but I don’t think I’m capable of giving them in this tiny body...” 

“Oh…”

Suddenly Lotor had an idea. This was perfect. “Hey Keith, how about you help Lance with his lesson?”

“What?”

“If Nyma doesn’t show up we’ll be waiting here for nothing.” Said Lotor. “Might as well spend that time wisely.”

“... Oh, good point.”

So the group ended up putting on aprons. Including Lotor. Which he didn’t expect. “Wait… why am I doing this?”

“Why not?” Asked Keith. “Got something more important to do?”

“...No.”

Lance was sitting on a stool as he tried to roll his sleeves up, but was having a hard time. Shiro happily crouched down and helped him. “Let me help you out there Lance.”

“Oh thank you Shiro.” Said Lance happily. “I don’t think I’ve got the hang of this body yet. Thank you so much.”

Shiro couldn’t help but clutch at his chest. “My son…”

“Stop saying weird shit!” Snapped Keith. “What are we making today?”

“Oh, meat and potato stew.” Said Lance.

Keith’s eyes lit up. “We’re cooking potatoes?!”

Lance nodded. “Homestyle cooking is really good and comforting. It’s comforting to try and recreate the flavours of your mama’s cooking, or in my case, my papa’s cooking.”

“Your dad did the cooking?” Asked Keith.

“Yeah… Mama can cook rice and make sweets, but… Well my papa was the chef in the house.” Said Lance. “So I guess instead of cooking like mama used to make I guess this is cooking like papa used to make?”

“Papa-style cooking is perfect for me!” Said Shiro. He looked pumped up for this.

“I-I suppose…” Said Lance quietly.

Lotor just stood in the background and waited for the moment to grab the bottle and run. He could do this. He just needed to wait for the perfect opportunity. Those two would be too distracted with Lance and cooking.

Lance pushed a little step ladder up to the bench and smiled. “Okay! First we gotta make sure we have all the ingredients!”

Shiro picked up a bottle and frowned. “What’s mirin?”

“A rice wine used for cooking.”

“Booze?!” Shiro was way more excited to cook now.

“It’s used to brighten up the flavour and body of a heavy dish.” Said Lance. “Please don’t drink it… It’s not for drinking… Anyway, we gotta wash, peel, and chop the vegetables.”

“I got the potatoes!” Said Keith and he quickly grabbed them.

Lance smiled and looked up at Shiro. “For this meal, we’ll be using a low-fat cut of beef; round steak. Compared to something like brisket, it has fewer calories. Brisket has 371 calories per 100 grams while round steak has 165 calories for the same amount of meat. Typically, this recipe has you fry the meat in oil first, but we’ll skip that step to keep it low-calorie.”

“Of course sweetie.” Said Shiro as he peeled a carrot.

Once Lotor was convinced they were distracted, he started to sneak back towards the lounge room. He stepped on a loose floorboard and it creaked ever so slightly. In a flash, Shiro and Keith were upon him. Shiro inches away from punching his face in and Keith seconds away from stabbing him in the neck.

“Oh, it’s just you.” Said Keith as he lowered his weapon. “Don’t go sneaking around like that.”

“I thought you were Nyma.” Said Shiro.

“Y-you scared me!” Whimpered Lance.

Lotor sighed and crossed his arms. “I was only walking around. Don’t make such a big deal out of nothing.”

“Shut up and stop slacking off.” Muttered Keith as he went back to cooking.

Lotor grimaced as he walked back over to where everyone was cooking. He forgot that these two practically had eyes in the back of their head. He couldn’t carelessly move around behind their backs. He had to think of another plan quickly. Cooking would help him clear his head while he thought of a new plan. Before Lotor knew it, he was the soul person cooking while everyone else stood back and watched him go… He was so focused on cooking he forgot to think of a plan.

“Good work Lotor!” Said Lance. “We’ll let it reduce on a boil for about 20 minutes and then we’ll call it finished!”

“Uhh, okay…”

“20 minutes huh?” Asked Keith. “I hate waiting for food. Fries take less time to cook.”

“How about you play with me while we wait?” Cooed Shiro.

Lance laughed nervously. “I-I appreciate the offer, but let me introduce you to some exercises instead!” 

He showed them how to do single leg kick backs. 2-3 sets of 10-15 reps for each leg. He got them to place their hands on either the counter top or wall, but any sturdy flat surface would do. Without using their hands to give them a boost, they kicked their leg up backwards. Keeping it straight, toes pointed out, and keeping the upper body still throughout the motion.

“This works the glutes and muscles in the rear thigh.” Said Lance. “It can reduce swelling in your legs and even give your butt a shape-up! Doing it together with calf exercises will make it even more effective.”

Lotor did a few of them and quickly worked up a sweat from doing those exercises right by the stove. “Phew… I’ve worked up quite a sweat already…”

“Want a drink?” Asked Keith.

“That would be nice, thank you.”

Keith held out the bottle of elixir. “Here. This was just sitting there in the living room.”

Lotor froze. He couldn’t drink that. If he did then he could become a toddler and have to deal with Shiro, like Lance was dealing with. But if he didn’t drink it, then everyone would know he knows that this was the cause and that he caused this whole mess. Lotor panicked. He shook it up and let it go off in Keith’s eyes.

“DARK ELF BASTARD!!!”

***

After a few minutes of Keith beating up Lotor, Keith washing the elixir out of his face, and beating Lotor up again, everyone had calmed down enough to actually hear Lotor out properly. Lance wanted to actually sit on the couch to do this, but Shiro wouldn’t let him. He was going to cuddle Lance as much as possible.

“So…” Said Keith in a dark voice. “This was all caused by a failed weight loss drug? You fucking stupid, evil, dark elf! Why did you do that?!”

“I-I didn’t mean to harm anyone with it…” Muttered Lotor. 

“Keef! Don’t be mean to Lotor…” Said Lance quietly.

Keith rolled his eyes. “Ugh… Even though you’re the victim in all this…”

“Lotor, why did you make a weight loss drug?” Asked Lance. “Why would you even need such a thing? You’re such a diligent person… I have a hunch that you didn’t make it for yourself…”

Lotor sighed and stared down at the ground. “I… I made it for you Lance… After all the help that you have given us, I only wanted to make it a little easier… Instead I messed everything up…”

Lance seemed surprised for a moment, but he couldn’t help but smile at him. “Lotor, I appreciate you trying to make my life easier, but no matter how easy it would make my job, I don’t want to rely on something like that. I like what I do for a living. Seeing people realise they can change their lives by their own power and not through some wonder drug makes me very happy. I really-”

There was a loud ripping noise as Lance suddenly became an adult again, and completely ripped out of his baby clothes. Lance was back to normal, and naked on Shiro’s lap.

“...”

“...”

“...”

Keith sighed and walked to the bedroom. “I’m gonna go and get you some pants.” After that Lotor decided to give up making medicine.


	21. Siren

In this world, a lack of exercise, stress, and a tidal wave of calories has spread to non humans too. Lance was working tirelessly to change that for his ever growing client list of humanoids from the other world. However, Lance was taking a little time to relax as Plaxum, a mermaid and his latest client, had sent Lance an invitation to come and hang out with her.

So Lance sent Krolia and Keith out to do a light jog. He told Keith and Krolia where he was going to be if they wanted to meet up after they were done with their jog. He went to the address Plaxum had sent him. Much to his surprise he met Hunk and Romelle at the place he was going to meet her at. Apparently Hunk knew Plaxum because he had been eating more seafood lately and Romelle because Plaxum once fished up her skull when she attempted to swim. Romelle forgot that as a skeleton, even with magic to give her body form and mostly opaque skin, she still couldn’t swim.

The trio entered the building and were surprised to see it was a karaoke bar. Plaxum was already there and seemed super excited to see them all. “Hey guys! Glad you could make it!” She happily hugged them and led them to the room she had booked.

“It’s been a while since I’ve one this.” Said Hunk.

“Really?” Asked Plaxum. “I come here all the time. You know, Keith was welcome to come too…”

Lance shrugged. “Yeah, but I still don’t think he’s really forgiven you about that fish eggs thing… Plus he was actually motivated to go for a run with Krolia. It’s rare to see them motivated to exercise, so I thought it was best to just let them be.”

“Well that’s nice. Who is Krolia?” Asked the mermaid.

“Keith’s mum.” Said Hunk. “She kind of looks like an older, female version of Keith.”

“Neat. Well, elves are said to take on more femainine qualities, so I’m not surprised.”

“By the way,” said Romelle. “What is karaoke?”

Plaxum grinned. “Karaoke is something people do for fun in this world.” She pointed to a TV. “This machine plays different melodies that you sing along to. It plays music from all over the world. I’ve already gone through; country, pop, R&B, jazz, rap, and punk.”

Romelle nodded along. “Huh, I see… Singing sounds right up your alley.”

Lance frowned slightly. “Huh?”

Hunk smiled and lightly nudged Lance’s side. “Yeah. Plaxum’s from a race of singers. Some call their singing voice the wonder of the sea. They have to sing to communicate. It’s a necessary survival skill.”

Plaxum nodded and picked up the microphone. “Yep. Mermaids and singing go together like fish and water.” She held the microphone out to Romelle. “Here. Give this a go. You sing into this. Just hold it up to your mouth and say; Test, test. Just to see if it’s working.”

“Oh, okay…” Romelle took the microphone from Plaxum and spoke into the microphone. “TESTING!” there was a lot of reverb and everyone covered their ears. Romelle almost dropped the microphone in shock. She didn’t expect it to be so loud. “Oh my goddess! That was so loud! Maybe someone else should go first… How about you Lance?”

She passed the microphone to Lance. “Oh really? You guys want me to sing?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” Said Hunk.

“Um… Okay.” Lance looked through the songs and went to one that he actually knew. He went and found Hips Don’t Lie by Shikira. As he was doing this, Plaxum pulled some maracas out from under the coffee table and handed one to Hunk and Romelle. He started to sing and the group had fun singing along and shaking the maracas along with the beat.

When the song was done, Hunk happily clapped. “Wow, you’re really good at singing.”

“Aw, thanks man.” He held the microphone over to Plaxum. “You want to go next?”

“Nah, I might be a fish, but I’ll deliver the swan song for tonight.”

“Oh, then could I go next?” Asked Hunk. “I know a few songs from this world.”

“Hey, what’s that? Asked Romelle as she pointed at the screen. At the bottom corner of the screen was a small box of a stick figure that read; 11 calories burned.

Plaxum grinned. “Oh, it counts how many calories you burned while singing. I don’t know how accurate it is, but it is nice to help you feel like you’re doing something. Burning fat while doing something fun is the best.”

Lance nodded in agreement. “That’s right. Karaoke is a fantastic form of aerobic exercise if you dance a little while you do it. On average, singing burns around 10 calories. So if you watch what you eat and drink during a night of going to a karaoke bar, you can have a serious workout. For example, a person weighing 50kg (110.2 pounds) walking at a rate of 4.8km (2.9 miles) per hour will burn up to 184 calories an hour. In other words, roughly 18 songs at karaoke burns roughly about the same amount of calories as one hour of walking.”

“Huh, didn’t think I’d get a math’s lesson while doing karaoke…” Said Plaxum.

Hunk hummed a little and started to go through the songs. “Um… Oh, I know this one!” Hunk did a soulful rendition of Lady Gaga’s Telephone. The screen proclaimed that Hunk had burned 14 calories.

“Nice one buddy!” Said Lance and he patted his back.

Hunk blushed a little and smiled. “Aw, thanks man. Your turn Romelle.”

Romelle smiled and looked down at the iPad to see the songs that were there. “Um… There’s way too many songs on here. I have no idea which to pick…”

“Want to borrow my phone?” Asked Lance. “You can listen to the actual songs while choosing.”

“Oh! You’re a lifesaver!” Romelle took a few minutes listening to different songs with Hunk and Plaxum throwing in their own input. 

“Oh that one’s really fun.” Said Plaxum.

“That song’s really light hearted, as long as you don’t look into the lyrics…” Said Hunk. “I think it’s about a school shooter…”

“That one’s about having fun at the beach.”

Lance smiled and sat back as he watched them having fun, though he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. He was having fun with friends while Keith and Krolia were out working their butts off. He needed to try and do something nice for them later… Especially Keith. That elf had been trying his hardest to lose weight, and although he did complain a lot, he always ended up doing the exercises.

“I found one!” Said Romelle. “I want to sing this one!” Romelle had decided she wanted to sing Blood on my Hands by The Used. Now she just had to figure out how to actually play the song.

While she was doing that, Plaxum sat next to Lance and held his phone. “Can I use this for a bit too?” She asked. “I was to look for a song too.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

“Thanks Lance. You’re the best.” Plaxum happily looked through the songs while quietly humming to herself. 

As she did, Lance couldn’t help but focus in on it. It sounded so calm and crystal clear. It was beautiful. He looked at her and the world seemed to slow down as he gazed at her beauty. She smiled sweetly at him and giggled, which made her breasts bounce in the cream shell bikini she was wearing… Wait… Since when was Plaxum wearing a bikini? Wasn’t she just wearing a shirt? Also, her breasts weren’t nearly that big that they would jiggle with a slight laugh.

“Which song do you think I should pick? Got any requests? I can sing just about anything.”

Lance paused for a moment in shock. This had to be some kind of weird affect. Some weird magic trick of the lights or something? Maybe that 5 hour energy stuff she had been drinking to keel her human form was wearing off? But if it was wearing off she would look like a mermaid, right? Fish tail and all that? She wouldn’t look like a hot woman in a bikini made from shells. Lance picked up his drink and took a sip.

“Um, you okay there?” Asked Plaxum as she leaned in closer. 

Lance looked back at her and nearly choked on his drink. She was back to normal. “W-WHAT?!”

“What’s happening?” Asked Hunk.

“Is Lance choking on his drink?” Asked Romelle.

“I-I’m fine…” Said Lance. “I um… I think a bit of ice went down my throat…”

Hunk sighed in relief. “Oh, good thing it wasn’t anything serious.”

“I sometimes get drink stuck between my bones.” Said Romelle.

Once things were settled again, Plaxum handed Lance back his phone. “Glad you’re okay. By the way I picked out my song.” 

“Ah, okay. Sorry for causing a racket.”

“Don’t sweat it. These things happen.” Plaxum happily selected her song and got ready to sing. As soon as she opened her mouth her body seemed to transform into a much more curvy and voluptuous woman.

Lance just stared in shock as he tried to make sense of it all. She looked fine until she started singing, but when she started she changed again. Something strange was definitely going on. Did Romelle and Hunk not notice the change? Does it happen so often in the other world that it doesn’t get a reaction out of them anymore? He had to ask Plaxum once she was done singing… But she was so beautiful...

Why was Lance even having a problem with this? It’s only Plaxum’s appearance that suddenly changed. Everyone else was acting normal, so he should act normal… Nothing was wrong here… Everything was fine… Perfectly normal… Everything was fine...

“Wow, you’re really good.” Said Hunk. “Are there any songs you like singing the most?”

“I like love songs.” Said Plaxum. “Love songs are the best. I love that lovey dovey stuff… Would you mind if I sing another one?”

“Go ahead.” Said Romelle. “You have an amazing voice.

Plaxum smiled and started to sing another song. As she did so, Lance couldn’t help but feel his heart starting to race. He was mesmerised by her voice and her beauty. She had a light blush on her face and her eyes were beautiful. Every part of her was beautiful. He couldn’t imagine leaving her for any reason.

When she finished her song, Hunk and Romelle were clapping. “That was beautiful.” Said Hunk. “It really tugged at my heart strings.”

“That was beautiful.” Said Romelle. “The lyrics were fantastic too!”

“Aw, thanks you guys.”

Lance stood up and walked towards her. “Plaxum…” He pinned her against the wall and gently tilted her head up to face him. “Plaxum… You’re so beautiful…”

***

While all this was going on, Keith and Krolia had gone for a walk around the park. They may or may not have stopped off somewhere to get an ice cream and some fries, but that was neither here nor there. Keith had a nice enough time.

Krolia caught him up on her quest to find warm ice cream. It wasn’t the easiest thing, and she hadn’t been successful, but it was an interesting experience. The closest thing she had found was deep fried ice cream. Though it wasn’t very warm.

About halfway through their walk they ended meeting up with Pidge. Pidge herself was going on a jog. They were more than happy to walk with them. Pidge and Krolia talked about Bae-bae and were more than happy to talk about all things dog related.

Keith checked his watch and nodded. “Hey, maybe we should head over towards that place Lance is at?”

The two agreed and the trio headed over to the karaoke place. They had no idea which room Lance was in or if he was even there anymore. Keith went to message him, but Pidge had a more direct approach and started to sniff around to find him instead. She suddenly picked up his scent and ran to a door. She grinned and pushed the door open.

“Here!” She called.

“Hey!” Snapped Keith as he ran over to her. “Don’t barge into random rooms like that!”

“But they are all here.” Said Pidge as she pointed into the room.

Keith paused as he took it all in. Lance had Plaxum pinned against the wall while Hunk and Romelle looked like they were trying to pull Lance away from her. “So… You were all doing karaoke together?” Asked Keith. “Wait, what are you doing?”

“Something’s wrong with Lance!” Cried Romelle. “He just shoved Plaxum up against the wall and is acting like a total creep!”

Keith frowned and pulled Lance away from the mermaid. “What the fuck are you doing?” When he was face to face with Lance, he understood what had happened. Lance’s eyes were glossed over with a purple haze. “Son of a… Plaxum! Did you sing in front of him? He’s completely entranced by your charm magic!”

“Oh… Right…”

“... You forgot about that didn’t you?” Keith shook his head and sighed loudly. “For fuck’s sake… Anyone here know how to dispel magic?”

Hunk shook his head. “S-sorry! I don’t know that stuff!”

“I can’t.” Said Pidge.

“I could when I was alive!” Said Romelle. “Not so much now…”

While this was happening, Krolia walked up behind Lance, cracked her knuckles and hit him hard in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

“... Mum, you can’t solve all your problems by knocking them out.”

“Just watch me.”

***

Once Lance was conscious again and no longer under Plaxum’s charm she explained what had happened. Apparently a merfolk’s singing voice can cause hallucinations, confusion, and hypnosis. Since Lance has no magical resistance at all, it only affected him. 

“I’m really sorry…” Said Plaxum. “Until now I’ve just been doing karaoke by myself and I just wanted to have some fun with some friends… I was having so much fun it completely slipped my mind…”

“It’s okay. We forgot too.” Said Romelle. Hunk nodded in agreement.

“No, it’s my fault.” Said Lance. “I should have said something when I heard Plaxum hum before. It’s still my fault for pinning you against the wall like that.”

“How about you’re all to blame?” Asked Keith as he looked through the karaoke playlist.

“That sounds fair.” Said Lance.

Hunk smiled a little and held up the microphone. “Do you guys want to keep singing? It’ll be fun.” The group agreed to sing a few more songs. Plaxum was a lot more wary of her accidentally using her charm on Lance.


	22. Beach Episode

With the turning of the seasons, and temperatures getting hotter it was only natural to go to the beach. At least that’s what Lance’s mama, Rosa, thought. So she decided to be nice to her youngest and suggested that he bring some of his clients to the family's private island. Yeah, his mama’s side of the family was kind of loaded.

So there was Lance, on an island with his mama along with; Keith, Krolia, Lotor, Shiro, Moontow, Sendak, Narti, Romelle, Pidge, Allura, Hunk, and Plaxum. Lance was shocked that everyone was able to fit on the boat to even get there in the first place.

Lance had asked why the rest of the family wasn’t coming, but they couldn’t close the clinic, and Lance had been pulling a lot of extra hours recently with his ever increasing list of clients… Plus they only ever closed the clinic so everyone could have a day off for things like Christmas. Rachel was having some time off next week.

“Um, this was a nice idea and all mama…” Said Lance. “But um… Are you really sure it’s okay for all of us to be here?”

“You worry too much mjio.” She said. “Beaches are a lot more fun when you’re with more people.”

“Mrs McClain.” Said Krolia.

“Ah, Krolia, is something the matter?” She asked.

“Not at all.” Said the elf woman. “I just wanted to thank you again for looking after my son. You even helped us pick out some nice swimwear.”

“Oh think nothing of it.” Said Rosa. “I’ve always enjoyed helping people pick out clothes of any sort. I must say, purple really is your colour. But please, just call me Rosa.” 

It was true too. When Lance had told everyone about going to the beach, most of them didn’t have any swimwear. Which meant a shopping trip. One which Lance was somehow neither informed about or invited to go on. Lance was more than a little disappointed about that, but he tried not to let it show.

“Alright everyone!” Called Rosa. Let’s have some fun!”

Everyone happily split off into different groups to do their own thing, leaving Lance and Rosa to set up some towels and umbrellas. From their spot on the beach Lance could see a few of them had gone off to swim in the ocean, some had gone to look at the cliff, and others were just poking around in the sand. It was nice.

Lance’s only major worry was that his mama might find out that her and him were the only humans on the island… But everyone was doing a good job at concealing their otherworldly appearances.

He looked over at his mama and noticed that she was already happily laying on a foldout chair with a book. She had the right idea. Today was a day to relax. He laid down on a towel and hummed happily to himself. The sun felt good on his skin.

He heard someone whimpering next to him. Lance turned his head and looked over at Nyma who was desperately trying to cover herself despite wearing a rather modest bikini. Yeah, for some reason she decided to come along too.

“Um… Are you okay?” Asked Lance.

“Why did I come with you all?” She whined. “Everyone is wearing such indecent outfits! I-I’ll never forgive you for this! You pervert!”

“How the heck am I the pervert in this situation?”

“Look at what you are wearing! A-and what you’re not wearing!” She sobbed as she covered her face. “Sh-shirtless and wearing such small shorts!”

“... They go down to my knees…”

***

The trio of elves plus Narti had taken some of the inflatable rings and had decided to spend some time floating on the water. “It was very nice that Rosa let us come here.” Said Krolia. “Be sure to thank her properly too Keith.”

“I will.” Said Keith as he stared at his inflatable ring. It had a unicorn head and tail. 

As they talked, Lotor had finished filling up his inflatable doughnut ring and attempted to step into it. Everything was fine… Until he tried to pull it past his hips. He couldn’t get it past his ass. Yes, Lotor was still dummy thicc. Not as much as before, but he still had a phat ass.

He glanced over his shoulder only to see Krolia and Keith quickly looking away from him. “... Just hurry up and do it…” He muttered.

“Do what?” Asked Keith innocently.

“Laugh.” Muttered Lotor. “I know you want to.”

“Well if you insist…”

“Don’t laugh at me you fat pig!” As the elves argued, Narti blew up her inflatable ring, got into it, and happily floated out.

***

A few feet away from the elves, Shiro was building a sandcastle with Moontow, or at least trying to. Moontow felt like she was in hell while Shiro happily babied her. He couldn’t get over the fact that she was actually an adult hobbit, despite having the body of a six year old.

“Let’s build a huge sandcastle together.” Said Shiro with a smile. “Here, take this shovel. You’re gonna have a lot of fun with your papa.”

“Fucking kill me…” She muttered.

“What are you two doing?” Asked Allura as she walked over with Sendak. “Playing in the sand sounds like a lot of fun.”

“I’m pretty good at building things.” Said the cyclops.

Shiro pouted a little. “She only needs one papa and that’s me.”

“Why can’t we all be her papa?” Asked Allura.

“She only needs one.” Said Shiro. “Plus, aren’t you a woman?”

“Well, most of my kind appear female, but we all produce pollen so we are technically both…” She shook her head. “But I digress… How about we have a sand castle competition? Winner gets to be Moontow’s papa?”

“I don’t care.” Said Sendak. “As long as I can beat that damn oni, then I’ll do it.”

“Bring it on!” Said Shiro.

Ten minutes later the trio had finished their sculptures. Allura had made a flower and written a friendly little greeting of “howdy” under it. Just what one would expect from the cheerful florist. Sendak ended up making a sword that seemed to defy all laws of gravity. Shiro had made… a rather lumpy looking pile of sand attempting to be a castle.

“... Doesn’t matter!” Said Shiro quickly. “Only Moontow gets to choose her papa! Little munchkin, whose lap would you rather sit on?!”

“This is getting weird!” Whined Moontow.

***

Meanwhile, up on the cliff, Plaxum, Romelle, Pidge and Hunk were having a look around.Pidge was interested in the crabs that were quickly scuttling along the rocks. Hunk was enjoying the view and Plaxum was complementing Romelle on her wetsuit.

“Is it comfy?” She asked.

Romelle shrugged. “Kind of, but I can’t just walk around as a skeleton.”

“Fair, fair.” She walked over to the edge of the cliff and grinned. “This place looks nice… Perfect place to go diving! Let’s jump off!”

Hunk looked over the edge and gulped. “Are you sure? Jumping sounds scary…”

“Sounds like fun to me.” Said Romelle.

Plaxum grinned. “Sure does. Right, I’ll go first!” The mermaid took a running start and jumped off the edge. “Cannonball!”

“WAIT! CAN YOU SWIM IN HUMAN FORM?!” Yelled Hunk just that little bit too late. 

“OH SHIIIII-” Plaxum hit the water like a cannonball and sank like one too.

“I’ll save you!” Called Romelle as she also jumped after her.

“CAN YOU SWIM?!” Yelled Hunk.

“NOOOOOO!” Yelled Romelle as she hit the water and sank with Plaxum.

“WHY DID YOU JUMP IN THEN?!” Cried Hunk. He looked over at Pidge. “W-we gotta help them P-” Pidge was currently eating a crab she found on the rocks. Poor Hunk was crying as he ran down the cliff to try and save the girls, though he didn’t know if Plaxum could technically down since she was a mermaid or Romelle since she was a skeleton.

***

Lance hummed happily as he lifted his head slightly. He was happy that everyone could sit around and relax. Also, since they were the only ones on the island, the people that had specific food addictions like Keith with fries, Krolia with ice cream, and Shiro with alcohol, they were cut off from those foods. It was great.

“You okay there mjio?” She asked. “Are you not going to go swimming?”

“Once everything settles down a little more. You just relax and take a load of mama.”

“Aw, you’re such a good boy… Did you remember to pack the paddle boards?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“You and your brothers are pretty good at it. Maybe you should see if anyone else would like to learn how to use it?”

Lance looked out around the beach and saw the three elves happily lazing around in the water in their inflatable rings. They looked like they might enjoy learning how to paddle board. He quickly went off to get the boards near where they set up a grill.

***

As everyone was enjoying themselves on the beach, none of them seemed to realize that they had disturbed an ancient creature. A monstrous behemoth that had made the caves beneath the island their home. Had they come from the other world? It was impossible to tell. This creature had been around and alive for eons… and they did not like that their slumber had been disturbed… Time for revenge...

***

“Keith!” Called Lance from the beach. He waved at the elves to get their attention. After a few minutes the elves had made their way back to the beach and Lance happily introduced them to paddle boarding. “It’s fun and a great workout. Do you want to give it a try?”

“Sure, why not?”

Lance grinned and helped the three elves get in the water and stand on the boards. Elves seemed to naturally have pretty good balance because all three of them got it in one go. Lance was a little relieved that it went so smoothly. They all seemed to be able to move around a little with the paddles too.

“This is pretty easy.” Said Keith.

Lance gave him a thumbs up. “Looking good there Keith. You’re a fast learner. The boards we’re using are a stable, all-rounder type of board, so you can do all kinds of things while riding them. Even have a go at yoga if you think your balance is good enough.”

Lotor chuckled a little. “So Keith isn’t some paddle board prodigy, it’s just easy to ride.” As Lotor made his snide comment, which damaged Keith’s ego, a long, dark shape snaked its way over towards Lotor’s paddle board.

“Hey!” Snapped Keith. “Shut the fuck up!”

Suddenly Lotor’s board flew out from under him and he went crashing into the water. His arm hit Keith’s board which sent the other elf falling in fast with him. Both elves screamed and grabbed hold of Lance. Neither of them could actually swim yet and were terrified of drowning, despite the water only coming up to their thighs.

“Whoa! Calm down!” Cried Lance as he tried not to fall over from suddenly getting grabbed. “Neither of you are going to drown!”

Once they realised that they weren’t going to drown, Keith and Lotor went right back to trying to murder each other. “YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!” Yelled Keith.

“YOU SHOULD’VE STAYED OUT OF MY WAY!” Yelled Lotor. “DAMN IT! MY BALANCE WAS PERFECT AND THEN THE BOARD TOPPED OVER BY ITSELF!”

Lance sighed and quickly went to grab the boards. “Well it certainly does seem that way… I mean, there were no waves coming in…”

Keith rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Must have just been your fat ass throwing off your center of gravity… Then again I’m pretty sure your ass has its own gravitational pull at this point.”

“... I’m going to shove my hand up your ass, pull out your intestines and make you eat them.” Growled Lotor.

“Whoa! Calm down!” Said Lance quickly. He needed to calm this situation down fast. “It was your first time trying to balance while paddling. You’re using inner muscles and other areas you wouldn’t normally use. It’s only natural you would overbalance a few times until you get used to it. No need to threaten making people eat their own guts…” He looked over at Krolia who had very calmly paddled away from the chaos and looked like she was enjoying her time. He wouldn’t expect anything less from the yoga master. Seconds later Krolia’s board shot out from under her and she fell into the water.

“Mum!” Cried Keith.

“I told you it was the board!” Grumbled Lotor.

***

While that drama was happening, Romelle and Plaxum had recovered from their almost drowning. Hunk was finally not stressing anymore either since the two girls were sitting up and talking.

“I want to do it again.” Said Romelle.

“Please don’t…” Said Hunk. I don’t think my heart will be able to take it…” He looked over at Pidge. She was currently sniffing a starfish. “Don’t eat that Pidge!”

Pidge rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to eat a starfish. She just wanted to sniff it. It was weird looking. Something moved just out of her field of vision and she quickly turned her head to see… a tentacle poking out of the sand.

“What the fuck?” Muttered Pidge. “... Fuck it.” Her canine instincts took over and she grabbed it, and bit it.

The sudden sound of a loud thump made Romelle, Hunk, and Plaxum jump in surprise. “W-what was that noise?” Asked Romelle.

Hunk looked nervous. “W-who knows?”

“Maybe a whale or something?” Suggested Plaxum. The trio looked over to where Pidge was. She was stuck head first in the sand up to her hips with her ass sticking out. “What the heck happened?” Cried the mermaid as she ran over to help her.

“Sh-should I get a shovel?!” Asked Hunk.

Suddenly there was another loud thump and all three of them were buried up to their necks. “What the heck just happened?!” Asked Plaxum.

“I-I think My leg got pulled down somehow.” Said Romelle.

“How are we going to get out?!” Cried Hunk.

Suddenly Pidge pulled herself out of the hole and shook the sand out of her hair. “Well that was an experience… Um… You three okay there?”

“Get us out Pidge!” Cried Hunk. “Please! I have a fear of being buried alive!”

***

As this continued the creature in the water found their next target. They were easy enough to find. They found a satyr sleeping under an umbrella. With some very careful tugging and use of suction cups, they managed to put a few holes in the straps that kept her bikini in place. A perfect time delayed revenge trap. They just needed gravity to do the work when they stood up.

The next easy victim of revenge was also easy to find. They found Narti floating in their inflatable ring. The dragon had let their tail dangle down precariously in the water. The sea creature quickly grabbed her tail and yanked her down.

Narti ended up with their arms and legs stuck up in the air. They were unable to pull themselves out and they were left with flailing their limbs around in the air. _... Well… This is a predicament..._

As long as the creature stayed in the water, not even a mighty dragon like Narti could fight back. They had the upper hand, or tentacle as it were.

***

“Sitting on someone’s lap?” Asked Sendak. “That’s going a bit too far, even for an oni… Then again if you were female you’d probably be spouting off some B.S about breast milk.”

Shiro pouted as he held a very unamused and reluctant Moontwo to his chest. The poor hobbit was dead inside and wanted nothing more than the chance to escape. But that was impossible with the way Shiro was holding her. Allura was just standing between them, just happy to be there.

“Fine. Let’s settle this some other way.” He muttered.

“Also, before you went off on that lap thing, you lost the sand castle competition, right?” Asked Sendak.

“... Raising a child is a test of endurance…”

“Doesn’t matter. You lost oni.”

Shiro, not one to give up so easily, quickly grabbed a bit of driftwood and quickly drew a large circle. “Papa’s have to be strong to protect kids, right? Three person sumo. We each try to push the other outside of the circle. Last one left is the number one papa!”

Allura looked between the two and chuckled. “Three person sumo? I’m pretty sure I don’t stand a chance. I relinquish my spot in this competition.”

“Good. It’s just me and one eye.” He handed Moontow to Allura and spoke to them in a sweet voice. “Now you just wait here with Allura, and I’ll be right back darling.”

“Whatever…” They muttered. “I don’t even care at this point…” Moontow looked at Allura. “So… you’re not going to wrestle with them?”

“I don’t want to die.”

As the two titans started their sumo competition, a tentacle slithered up through the sand towards Allura and Moontow, but as soon as the sea creature realized that the two people currently wrestling were titan races, they decided against inciting their wrath and quickly retreated. They would think of something else later.

“Hey everyone!” Called Rosa. “It’s almost lunch time! Are you all hungry yet?”

Shiro and Sendak paused and glared at each other. “... One hour truce?” Asked Shiro.

“Sure.”

***

Everyone started to head over to the grill where Rosa happily had everything set up and ready to go. “We have everything under the sea here today.” She said happily as she gestured to the prawns, clams, and fish. “But today’s special is squid!” She proudly pulled up a tray and showed them. “It’s low fat, high-quality protein! It’s rich in taurine and niacin, which are said to lower your triglyceride levels and make it harder to gain weight. Perfect diet food.”

“... Now I see where Lance gets it from.” Muttered Keith.

“This looks amazing mama.” Said Lance. “You should have said something sooner and I would have come over to help you set up.”

“Nonsense. You lot looked like you were having too much fun paddle boarding.” She looked over at the group. “Do any of you know how to cook?”

Everyone looked at one another before giving the exact same answer. “No.” 

Suddenly Nyma started laughing. “I can’t believe you can’t do something so basic.” She happily picked up the knife and grabbed a squid. As she did, the trap set by the sea monster had taken effect. The weight from Nyma’s breasts coupled with the small rips in the bikini’s straps made the fabric fall right off. “Alright. Let me show you how it’s done.”

Keith sighed. “Um Nyam? Your tits are out.”

“...” Nyma dropped the knife and squid into the sand before she fainted.

“Oh dear!” Rosa quickly grabbed a towel and placed it over her. “Poor dear… I know first aid. I’ll look after her.”

“Who is gonna cook now?” Asked Plaxum.

“I can’t cut open a cute little squid…” Said Hunk.

“Hope Nyma didn’t die of shame.” Said Romelle.

“I hope she did.” Said Pidge.

Keith looked at them and frowned. “... Why are you all covered in sand?”

Allura hummed happily as she looked up at Sendak and Shiro. “I true papa would be able to cook, don’t you think?”

“Wouldn’t be a bad idea…” Said Sendak.

“I’m taking cooking lessons…” Muttered Shiro as he held Moontow just a little tighter. “I’m a good papa…”

“Kill me already…” Muttered Moontow.

The creature from the depths of the ocean was furious. This was… this was tenta-cruelty! How dare they carelessly toss away a squid after they so carelessly killed it? This would not stand! They would drag everyone down to Davy Jones’ locker!

Keith sighed and shook his head. “Well, looks like it’s up to me to save the day, again. Never liked seafood anyway.”

“You have an idea?” Asked Lance.

Keith nodded and somehow managed to pull out a huge plastic container full of fries and put them right next to the seafood. “I thought this might happen so here we go.”

“... Seriously?” Asked Lotor.

“What’s with your attitude?”

“I’m not eating those, potato gut.”

Keith shrugged. “Yeah, that’s fine. You could stand to skip a meal or two. If your ass grows any larger you’ll sink our ride back to the mainland. You-” Lotor snatched the container off the table. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Just helping you with your diet.” Said Lotor calmly as he grabbed some driftwood. He threw the container up high into the air before enhancing the driftwood and launching it at the container like a rocket. The container practically exploded sending fries everywhere.

“MY FRIES!!!”

Unbeknownst to the group, one of those fast moving fries shot out at just the right speed, force, and angle to impale the sea monster right in between its eyes. Killing it instantly before it even got a chance to attack the group. The group had no idea that Lotor just possibly saved their lives.

“WHAT THE HELL LOTOR?!” Snapped Keith.

“YOU’RE PATHETIC!” Snapped Lotor back.

Lance just shook his head. “Come on guys... Um, has anyone seen Narti?” The group quickly found Narti still floating in the ocean and helped drag her back to shore.


	23. Danger noodles

One evening when the weather started to warm up, Keith and Lance went on a power walk around the park. Lance was glad that Keith had taken the initiative today and actually suggested it himself. It was one of the first times he had done so. Lance was really proud of him.

“We’re making pretty good time today.” Said Lance. “You aren’t getting tired yet Keith?”

“Nah, I’m good.” Said Keith. “I can even whistle while we walk.”

Lance chuckled. “Well that’s good to hear. We have about 15 minutes left before we’re done. Let’s finish strong.”

“Fuck yeah.” Suddenly the streetlights came on and started to emit a low buzzing sound that made Keith jump. “What’s that sound?”

“Huh? Oh the buzzing? Don’t worry about it. In this world, a sound like that isn’t uncommon at night.” Said Lance as they rounded a corner in the direction of home. “My sister used to be a real pain about that and used my fear of snakes against me. She used to say it wasn’t buzzing, it was hissing and a big snake was going to come out of the night and get me.”

“Which sister?”

“Rachel.”

“Ah… Who’s that?” Up ahead of the, standing under a streetlight was an extremely curvy woman. Her hair was tied in a high ponytail that almost reached her knees. She had a concerned look on her face as she adjusted her extremely thick glasses (almost as thick as her thighs) and looked at a map. “Oh, a lost child.”

“Is everyone a child to you?” Asked Lance.

“I’m over two hundred years old.”

“... Fair enough.” Lance looked at the woman and frowned. “She might be a tourist? Let’s see if she needs any help.” He approached the woman. “Excuse me, miss?”

“AH!” The woman quickly spun around. “Y-You scared me!”

“Sorry!” Said Lance quickly. “We didn’t mean to sneak up on you!”

“You looked lost.” Said Keith. “So we thought we’d see if you needed help.”

The woman’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Really? I could actually use your help, if it isn’t too much trouble.” She showed them her map. It had several yellow dots all over it with many of them crossed out. “I’m looking for a specific ramen shop around here, but I can’t find it. I[ve walked all over, but no luck.”

“Must be one of those hole in the wall places…” Said Lance as he looked at the map. He saw the street they were on and the closest yellow dot. “Oh! You want to go to this ramen shop here? I actually know where this place is. My brother and his wife went there the other day. It’s actually pretty close to here and on the way back home too. Keith and I can take you there if you like?”

“Really?! Thank you so much!”

“Is that okay with you, Keith?”

Keith shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”

It was a ten minute walk for the trio to get to a place called Super Sprout ramen. If you weren’t looking for it you would have completely missed it. It was right on the edge of the hipster part of the city. Keith didn’t seem too impressed by its outward appearance, but the woman looked very excited.

“Finally! I’m here!”

“Glad we could help you.” Said Lance.

The woman grinned. “Yeah, I’ve eaten a ton of ramen since I got here, so I thought I’d try something out of the ordinary!”

“What’s so special about this place?” Asked Keith.

“It’s 100% vegetarian!” Said the woman with glee. “I’ve eaten all kinds of ramen; beef, pork, chicken, seafood, but never vegetarian! I’m so pumped up to try some of the unique flavours only a vegetarian ramen can give me!” She happily shook their hands. “Thank you both so much! I never would have found this place without you two! I owe you one!”

Lance couldn’t help but smile. Seeing someone so passionate about something like that was so cute. “No problem. Enjoy your ramen.”

The woman happily went into the shop while Keith and Lance started to head home. On the way back, Keith’s stomach started to rumble. “Hey, Lance? What’s for dinner?”

“Well, since you’re still learning about eating a well balanced diet it’s going to be well portioned servings of fibre, protein, and starches.”

Keith glared at Lance. “You could just say salad, meatballs and pasta.”

Lance shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, you don’t know it’s beef patties… Do you remember any of the stuff I told you about eating food and digestion?”

Keith nodded. “Yep. Eat the salad first because it’s where the fibre is at. Then you eat the protein. Pasta is starch so it gets eaten last. You gotta chew slowly and thoroughly. Saving the starch for last reduces sudden spikes in blood sugar, so only the necessary amount of insulin is secreted, and it’s harder for the sugar to be converted to fat.”

Lance was extremely impressed. “Wow, I’m actually surprised you remembered that. Good job Keith, I’m proud of you.”

“... Yeah… Thanks…” Keith sighed heavily and suddenly looked rather unhappy. Which concerned Lance quite a bit.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Oh, it’s nothing… Just… Just thinking about that woman and her quest to find her favourite food… It just reminded me of when I first came here and went on my quest to find french fries. It was like a flashback.”

“Oh… I see…” Lance frowned as he thought about this. 

Keith had been on top of his diet lately, and as far as lance knew, the elf wasn’t storing or hiding any fries around the house. However, if Keith kept thinking and daydreaming about fries like he was now, he could potentially rebound or start binge eating in secret. Lately, Keith’s weight loss had slowed down a lot. He needed to do something to both keep the elf on track while sasiating his lust for fried potatoes.

“... Hey Keith? How about tomorrow we’ll eat whatever we want, as much as we want?”

Keith stopped in his tracks and looked at Lance like he had just turned inside out. “What?! Are you serious?!”

Lance nodded. “Yep. It’s called a cheat day.”

“A cheat day?”

“That’s right, as you continue your diet, burning fat becomes harder and your weight loss starts to slow down.” Explained Lance. “When your caloric intake drops due to dieting or other causes, the body adapts to this deficit. The body misinterprets this as starvation, and the homeostatic mechanism works to make it harder to lose any more weight. So we introduce a cheat day once every 1-2 weeks. By planning a day where you eat up to 3 times your basal metabolism, which is the amount of calories your body consumes in a day, you correct this misinterpretation and get the body to burn more calories again.” He said. “Sudden changes in eating habits can take a toll on your body, so please exercise caution.”

Keith slowly nodded as he took this in. “So what you’re saying is… I can eat a lifetime supply of french fries tomorrow and you can’t bitch and complain about it?!”

“That’s not what… You weren’t listening to me at all…” Muttered Lance. Keith grabbed Lance’s arm and started to run back to the house. “Hey! What are you doing?!”

“Tomorrow can’t come soon enough!” Said Keith. “We have to get home so we can sleep!”

“What about dinner?!”

“Fuck dinner! I need room for fries!”

“You still need to exercise self control!”

“Bring on the potatoes!”

***

The next day the two of them were sitting at B.B Burger. Keith was happily eating his fifth large fries. He looked so happy being able to eat as many fries as he wanted. Lance couldn’t help but smile a little. Despite him wanting Keith to eat healthier he didn’t want the elf to be completely put off of junk food. He just wanted Keith to have a healthy relationship with junk food. It was all about moderation and restraint.

“You’re not eating anything?” Asked Keith between shoveling some more fries into his face.

Lance shrugged. “Maybe some other time… I think you’ve had enough fries for now.”

Keith looked betrayed. “Hey?! You said I could eat as much as I wanted today!”

“Whoa, that’s not what I meant!” Said Lance quickly. “I actually wanted to go somewhere else to eat. I was just wondering if you’d like to come with me?”

“Oh… Well if that’s what you wanted you should have just said so.”

Lance was thankful that he defused the situation and the two of them headed out. They went to Super Sprout Ramen. The place they showed the woman yesterday. After hearing the woman talk about it, Lance looked up the place on his phone and felt like he wanted to eat there too. When the two of them went inside, they were surprised to see the woman from yesterday sitting at a table. She had several empty bowls stacked up next to her and looked like she was halfway through another one.

“Oh! It’s you two!” She grinned and gestured to the empty seats at her table. “Pull up a chair. You guys were a huge help yesterday. I can’t thank you enough!”

“No problem…” Said Lance. “So you’re eating ramen today as well, uhh…”

“Ezor!” She said. “My name is Ezor and I eat ramen every day! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner!”

“What?” Lance was shocked. “Three times a day? That’s way too much!”

Ezor brushed him off and happily went back to slurping her noodles. “It might be a little fattening, but it’s fine! It’s fine!”

“But-”

Keith put his hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Lance… You should never stop doing what you love.” It seemed as though Keith had found a kindred spirit when it came to eating junk food. So Keith and Lance sat with Ezor and ate their vegetarian ramen. It seemed a little salty for Lance’s liking, but he enjoyed it.

However, Keith was glaring at his chopsticks with anger. He didn’t seem to know how to use them at all. “Okay, this is bullshit.” He muttered. “How the fuck is anyone meant to eat with this?”

“Oh, let me help with that.” Ezor happily took a hair tie out of her pocket and tied it around one end of Keith’s chopsticks. “Here. Should be a little easier now.”

Keith frowned and attempted to grab some noodles. He actually managed to do it and ate some noodles. He seemed very pleased with himself. “Ha, I did it!”

“Oh yeah, this is your first time using chopsticks, isn’t it?” Asked Lance.

Keith nodded. “Yeah.”

“Then this is your first time eating ramen?!” Asked Ezor in shock. “How have you been living your life without ramen?”

Keith shrugged. “I’m pretty good. I have these.” Once again, from out of nowhere, Keith managed to pull a large fries from nothing. He then proceeded to dump the fries into the ramen.

“Keith! No!” Hissed Lance. “You don’t do that! That’s kind of rude.”

“Huh? Why? Potatoes make everything better.”

From the other side of the table, Ezor looked furious. “You… You ruined the ramen…” She was shaking, she was so furious. 

Keith paused for a moment before he quickly put his hand over his eyes and Lance’s eyes. “Lance! Look out! Don’t look at her!”

“Huh?! What?!”

“Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes until I tell you to!” Said Keith quickly. “She’s a gorgon! If you look at her, you’ll instantly turn to stone!” There was a cracking sound, like the sound of cracking ice. Then an odd sizzling noise. After a few seconds of calm, Keith peeked out at Ezor. She was back to eating ramen. For some reason the salt shaker has a few granules of rock around it. “Okay. We’re good now.”

***

After they had finished eating they went to a secluded area of the park to talk things out. Ezor quickly apologized to them. “I’m really sorry about that. When it comes to ramen, I can get really riled up… It’s kind of a bad habit of mine.”

“I’m just glad nothing bad happened.” Said Lance.

“I didn’t know it was rude to add fries to ramen…” Muttered Keith.

“It’s okay.” Said Ezor. “When I get worked up, I lose control of my evil eye, and these glasses that hold back my power just fly off…”

“Evil eye is actually a thing?” Asked Lance.

Keith nodded. “Yep. Gorgons have the power to turn things to stone with their eyes. The only way to reverse it is with their tears.”

Ezor nodded in agreement. “Yep. Like this!” She quickly took off her glasses and almost hit Keith.

“Hey! Watch it!” He snapped. “Damn it! You grazed me with that!”

“Chill out. I can fix it.”

“Fix what?!” Keith quickly looked down and saw a patch of stone quickly creeping across his shirt. “SHIT!” Yelped Keith as he jumped back and tried to brush it off to no effect.

“Just hold still.” Said Ezor. “If you move around too much you-” Keith’s shirt shattered. “Um… Sorry about that.”

“Damn it! Do you have any idea how many of my clothes have been destroyed lately? This is bullshit!” Complained Keith. “Give me your shirt as compensation!” Ezor sighed and reluctantly handed over her shirt. She was wearing a singlet under her shirt, so it didn’t matter that much. Keith was still pissed off. “Now it’s time for your punishment, you damn Gorgon. Your punishment is. No more ramen.”

“Wait, what?!” Ezor was devastated. She was practically on her knees, begging for anything but that. “Forgive me! I didn’t do it on purpose! Please don’t ignore me!” She sobbed. “I-I’m sorry!”

Keith had no remorse as he shook his head. “Your tears won’t work on me. You need to reflect on your actions and take responsibility for- Wait, tears?” He looked at Ezor and noticed her hair starting to twist, turn, and morph on its own. “Ah shit! Lance, close your eyes! Don’t look at her!”

“Is she going to use her evil eye again?!”

“No! It’s her hair!” Said Keith. Suddenly Ezor’s ponytail transformed into a giant snake as she sobbed on the ground. “If you pressure a gorgon so hard that they can’t control their emotions their hair takes over in self-defence and turns into snakes!” Lance wasn’t quick enough and instantly fainted as the sight of the reptile. Once again, Lance had another client from the other world added to his list.


	24. Tabletop

It was a quiet day at Lance’s place. It was the kind of day where one doesn’t want to do anything. Just sit around or lie around and do nothing. Keith was spread out on Lance’s couch in a red tracksuit. He wanted to do something, but he didn’t want to do anything. He wasn’t even motivated enough to go and get fries.

Lance frowned as he looked over the chunky elf. “Seems like you have a lot of free time on your hands…”

“I’m bored...” He muttered.

“Why don’t you do some exercises?”

“Nah, I hate that shit. Total pain in the ass.”

“Your honesty isn’t refreshing.”

Keith sighed. “Look, I just wanna do something fun…”

“Then how about we play a game?”

“I’ve played all the video games.”

“Not that kind of game.” Lance walked over to the cupboard and pushed some extra sheets out of the way and found some of his old board games. He quickly found what he was after and took out a long box. Keith watched Lance curiously as he set up a tower of small wooden blocks. “Jenga.”

“Gesundheit,” 

“What? No. Jenga is a tabletop game.” Said Lance. “The rules are simple; you take turns pulling a block out and putting it on top of the tower, and you keep going until someone knocks it down and loses.”

Keith nodded as he sat on the ground and looked at the tower. His ears wiggled a little. “Okay, that seems easy enough.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty easy.” Said Lance. “How about we up the stakes a little? The loser plays a punishment game? Push-ups, sit-ups, squats. You pick one and do ten reps every time you lose. Also, the penalty increases if you have consecutive losses, so 2 losses in a row means 20 reps, 3 means 30 and so on.”

“And of course you bring exercise into this…” Muttered Keith. “Okay, sounds interesting to me. Games are more fun when the stakes are so high.”

“Awesome, let’s play.”

“Good luck human, you’re gonna need it.”

So the two of them started to play several rounds of a very, very intense game of jenga. The two would squint at each block before they carefully and slowly pulled out a block. They managed to get the tower to twist and turn in several odd and obtuse ways. Then it would crash down in a clatter, making them both jump. 

After five rounds the two of them stopped to do the punishment game. Lance had lost all five rounds. Keith was looking at Lance with a shit eating grin. “Lost five rounds huh? That’s 50 reps.”

Lance sighed and stood up. “Yeah, I’m gonna do squats… I can’t believe how good you are at this game…” Lance took a stance and started to do his fifty squats. As he did so, he felt that a certain elve’s eyes were on him. “... Like what you see?”

“Your ass is kind of flat.”

“Rude!”

By the time Lance was almost finished with his squats, the door opened up and Krolia walked in followed by Romelle and Lotor.

“Hey Krolia.” Said Keith. “Enjoy your walk?”

“Hope you don’t mind us stopping by.” Said Romelle.

“I ran into them outside and decided to invite them over.” Said Krolia calmly.

“That’s fine.” Said Lance as he finished his last squat. “Nice to see you guys.”

“I’m happy to be here.” Said Romelle.

“I didn’t plan on coming here…” Grumbled Lotor. He gave Krolia the side eye. “But Krolia is very… Persuasive…”

Romelle walked over to the coffee table and looked at the jenga blocks. “These little block toys look absolutely adorable!”

“They are part of a tabletop game.” Said Keith proudly. “A game that I happen to be an expert at.”

Romelle’s eyes lit up. “A game? Can I play too? Looks like fun!”

Keith chuckled a little as he started to set up the blocks. “Sure. But there’s a penalty for losing. Hope you don’t mind.”

Lance smiled and looked over at the other two elves. “Would you two like to join in?”

“Yes.” Said Krolia calmly.

Lotor sighed and crossed his arms. “Yeah, why not?”

So the group sat around the table and Lance explained the rules. They were simple enough for everyone to understand. Though Romelle did have a few questions here and there. After that they had to figure out who was going first. After going through everything from drawing straws to flipping a coin, everyone just decided it was easier to go around the room clockwise starting from Krolia.

“Okay.” Said Keith. “Just remember, you’re only meant to take the block out with one hand.”

“I understand.” She said calmly. Krolia slowly tilted her head as she slowly raised her hand. Suddenly she swiped at the tower. A single block rocketed out of the tower, hit the wall, ricocheted off the wall and slammed into Lotor’s ass with an audible thwack.

Lotor yelped and grabbed at his cheek that now was definitely going to have a decent sized bruise forming on it. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Mum, you can’t use that much force!” Keith quickly explained.

“Oh, my bad.”

The game continued and the tower wobbled and twisted, tilting to the side. Romelle carefully placed her block on top and let out a small sigh of relief. “Phew… This is intense…”

“Yeah.” Said Keith. “... You’rr pretty good at this…”

Romelle shrugged. “The rules are very bare bones. You can bone up on it pretty fast… Get it?”

“Yeah, no more bone puns.” Muttered Keith. “I’m next…” He slowly reached for the tower.

Lotor started to snicker. “Oh no… Looks like the tower is going to fall…”

“Shut up! You’re breaking my concentration!” Keith was confident. He hadn’t lost a single game yet. But alas, Keith’s luck had turned. The second he touched the block the tower fell over and Keith lost. “Fuck! One more game!”

It didn’t matter how many rounds that Keith played, his luck was gone. He had lost every single game. As this happened Lance kept a tally of how many reps Keith had to do by the end of this. Things were quickly stacking up. After the tower fell down again, Keith put his head against the table and grumbled.

“You should just stop and accept your punishment.” Warned Lotor.

“I’ll do them all once we’re finished!” He snapped.

“You are going to regret it.”

Keith pouted and looked over at Lance. “You have any other games? I need to change my luck.”

“Oh, sure.” Lance dug around in his cupboard for a few moments before he came back with a game. “Gotcha!”

“What’s that?” Asked Romelle.

“It’s a four player game where you have to move your pieces around the board to get them home.” Explained Lance. “If you roll a 6 the monster piece gets placed on the board. Once the monster is on the board they become the 5th player. So when each player goes someone rolls for the monster. If the monster lands on one of your players then you have to move your piece back to home base and have to start moving it around the board again. You win when all four of your pieces go around the board once and are back at home.”

“Good! I won’t lose at this game!” Declared Keith. Needless to say, it didn’t go well for Keith. Romelle came in first, with Lotor second, and Krolia in third… Keith came last with almost all his player pieces getting attacked by the monster. “FUCK! Lance! Different game!”

Lance took out a version of Settlers of Catan, but it was simpler, and farming themed called Farmers of Arman. He explained how it was a strategy game where you needed to corner your opponents. He explained how you turn over the tiles and get different points depending on what crop is under them. Potatoes were 1 point, carrots were 2 points, and peas were 3 points.

“Why are potatoes only worth 1 point?” Asked Keith.

“... I have no idea.” Answered Keith.

Romelle smiled a little and sighed. “Ah, yes. This takes me back… Cornering my enemies. I did a lot of that back when I was alive. How nostalgic.”

Krolia nodded in agreement. “True to life.”

“Okay!” Said Keith. “I am not losing this time!”

Romelle easily came in first, Krolia came in second, Lotor came in third, and Keith lost… again. Krolia didn’t look pleased about being bested at a strategy game. “Wow, I came in first again.” Chirped Romelle.

“How the fuck are you so damn good at these games?!” Snapped Keith.

The skeleton shrugged. “I guess I’m just lucky? I can feel it in my bones.”

“Enough with the puns!” He turned to Lance with begging eyes. “Don’t you have a game I can win? Any game?”

Lance sighed and went to his cupboard. “I do, but whether you win or lose is kind of up to you and luck.” He took out a few and the horror unfolded for Keith; Ludo? Lost. Risk? Lost. Mousetrap? Lost. Snakes and Ladders? Lost. Hungry, hungry hippos? Lost. Candy Lance? Lost.

Romelle couldn’t help but laugh and grin. “Man, I can’t believe I won every single game! I had no idea I was so good at games.”

“It’s kind of scary how good you are…” Said Lotor. “I know that fairy folk have high luck, but does that transfer over to when you become undead? … Well, on the other hand, while the skeleton can’t stop winning… A certain potato elf can’t stop losing. Just accept your punishment already Keith. You’re racking up reps like it’s going out of style.”

“... One more match.” Grumbled Keith. “High stakes final match. If I get first place, all my debts are cancelled. If I lose then they are multiplied a hundred-fold!”

Lotor started laughing. “Seriously? Alright then. No take backs. It’s your funeral. Lance! Bring out the final game!”

Lance held up a box. “The game of Life! It’s a classic game about the ups and downs of life. The person who has the most money at the end wins. There’s plenty of life events like getting a job and getting married. Just like real life.”

Keith frowned. “So we’re going to experience first-hand all the major life events of this world?”

“It’s just a game.”

“I get to live even though I’m dead?” Asked Romelle.

“... It’s just a game.” Reiterated Lance.

“Okay! Let’s go!” Said Keith as he quickly spun the wheel. “Our lives start now!” Keith landed on a square where he ended up getting a job. He was quite proud of himself as he revealed that he became a farmer. “Ha, a war proof job. Everyone needs food.”

Krolia nodded in agreement. “A fine profession.”

“You’re only going to grow potatoes.” Remarked Lotor.

“Damn straight.”

Romelle went next and landed on a square. She tilted her head in confusion. “I got life insurance? Even though I’m already dead?”

The game continued on for a bit with the usual ups and down. Lotor grinned when he landed on a square. “Ha, I got married. Fork over your wedding gifts.”

“Get divorced already.” Muttered Keith.

“What are stocks?” Questioned Krolia. 

“You sell them for cash at the end.” Said Lance.

“Oh hey, I got a kid.” Said Keith. “That’s a big responsibility.”

“Congratulations!” Said Romelle.

Keith was doing much better at this game than the others. He was well on his way to winning. He clearly had the most money out of everyone and was so close to retiring. Then he landed on a red square. “Economic recession due to tax hike. After advancing from the recession zone… Um Lance? What is this?”

Lance visibly paled. “Y-you landed on the worst square… All your money… Everything you’ve built up and saved… It’s all for nothing. Your taxes are going to skyrocket while your income is halved. You’re basically fucked.”

“Wait, what?! But that’s not fair! I worked hard for this! No!”

Once again Keith had lost. So there he was, on the ground, doing push-ups while everyone else sat around and watched him go. Lance was sitting next to him and made sure that he was doing them correctly. Krolia made everyone some tea because this was going to take a long, long time. Keeith was already gasping and sweating up a storm.

“This is your own fault.’ Said Lotor.

“Keep at it!” Said Romelle. “Just 35,900 push-ups left to go!

Lotor snickered. “At this rate, he’ll be doing them for the rest of his life.”

“I’M NEVER PLAYING WITH YOU FUCKERS EVER AGAIN!!!” Yelled Keith before he fell flat on his face.


	25. Cheat day

Keith was sweating up a storm in a singlet and booty shorts as he continued to shadow box as the instructional coach on TV shouted out words of encouragement. The typical things such as “You can do it!” and “Don’t give up now!” With sweat pouring down his face Keith finished up the routine. “You did it!”

Lance tossed Keith a towel from his seat. “Good job. You’ve been really working hard over the past few days.”

Keith shrugged and started to pat down his face. “Eh, you know me. Once I get stuck on something I just can’t help myself. I’ve just felt like pushing myself toda- Ow!” Keith flinched and started to rub his forearm.

Lance immediately got up and went over to him. “Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?”

Keith shook his head. “Nah, It’s okay. It’s not a problem. I haven’t missed a day of training yet. It’s just a bit of muscle soreness.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

“Yeah, I just need to stretch it out. I’ll be fine.” Keith started to do some arm stretches while Lance thought things over. Ever since Keith had lost spectacularly at the game’s night, he had been a little more focused at his exercise routine. Which wasn’t a bad thing, but he might have been pushing his body just that little bit too hard.

“Hey Keith, if you’re free tomorrow do you- Oh my god you’re flexible!”

Keith was laying flat on his stomach while his legs were spread wide, doing the splits. The elf just raised an eyebrow at him. “What? Weight has nothing to do with flexibility. It’s all ligaments and junk, right? I can do this too.” He stood on one leg and lifted high into the air. His knee was next to his face.

“... Holy shit…” Breathed Lance. “A-anyway. If you’re free tomorrow, do you want to go out with me? … Like as a friend! Friends going out and doing things together… As friends… Bros...

“Huh? Sure. I’ll tag along… if you give me french fries.”

“Not a chance.”

***

The next day the two of them left the house, Lance carrying a rather large backpack on his back. Keith had questioned it, but Lance told him not to worry about it. As they walked they headed past Allura’s plant shop.

She paused watering her plants and waved at them. “Hello you two. Going for a walk?”

Lance nodded. “Yeah, that’s right. Are you working today? You’re not wearing your apron.”

She chuckled a little as she held her watering can. “It is my day off. I just came by to water the plants. After this I was just going to head home.”

“Why don’t you come with us?” Asked Keith. “Is that okay, Lance.”

“Sure.” He said. “The more the merrier.”

“Really? Well let me just put this can away and we can head out.”

The trio ended up walking deep into the park. Lance took them into a deep secluded area by a stream with large willows and other tall trees. Wild flowers grew all over the place and the soft sounds of bird calls filled the air.

“Oh wow… I haven’t been to this part of the park before.” Said Keith.

“It’s a very beautiful place.” Said Allura. “Might I ask what we are doing here?” She saw Lance take a blanket out of his backpack. “Are we doing yoga?”

“Oh no, nothing like that.” Said Lance. “Take a seat.”

The two sat down and Lance took a box of sandwiches out of his backpack, along with a thermos of coffee and tea. “I hope you two are hungry. I made all different kinds; salad, chicken, ham and cheese, and avocado.”

“... So we aren’t dieting today?” Asked Keith.

“Nope. today is a cheat day.” Said Lance. “Cheat days aren’t just good for your metabolism. Accumulating too much fatigue will weaken your willpower and immune system, and you will burn out. It’s a serious roadblock to a successful diet. So let’s take a load off.” Lance sighed and lied back on the blanket, smiling. “We’re surrounded by greenery without a care in the world, so let’s take this moment to heal our minds and our bodies.”

“Well it’s a good thing I came along, then.” Said Allura with a smile as she pointed to the succulent on her head. “I’m quite green myself. Perhaps I can heal you? Just kidding. My magic only works on plants.”

“Can I try some of that tea?” Asked Keith.

“Yeah sure. I’ll pour you a cup.” Lance poured them all some tea, but made sure to keep the coffee away from Allura. He did not need a repeat of what happened last time.

They happily sat around and made small talk. Everyone seemed so happy and relaxed. It made Lance smile. It seemed like everyone needed a day to relax. Keith seemed a lot more relaxed as he laid down on the blanket next to Lance. Allura laid down on Lance’s other side.

“This place is lovely.” She said.

“Yeah, this is my favourite spot.” Said Lance.

“Kind of reminds me of my home town in the forest.” Said Keith. “This place is great. I’m glad we came.”

Suddenly, Lance felt a weight on his legs. He looked down and saw Pidge in her dog form. “Oh, hey Pidge. How long have you been there?”

“I smelled something nice and came over.” She said.

“Oh the sandwiches?” Lance sat up and handed one to her. “Want a chicken one?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” She happily took one and ate it.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” Asked Lance.

“My territory is huge.” Said Pidge. “I gotta patrol the whole area. I’ve been doing it a lot more these days since I’ve started to drop some pounds.” She happily patted her belly a few times and grinned.

Allura hummed a little as she looked at the lycanthrope. “Hey Pidge? What do you do to relax? I mean, Lycanthropes are pack animals, so you must do something to relax?”

Pidge thought for a moment as she ate another sandwich. “Hmm… Napping together usually helps… Napping in a big pile. Big dog pile.” She looked between the three and decided to rest her head against Lance’s lap. “I will nap here.”

“Why do dogs always shove their face into people’s crotches?” Asked Keith.

“Wh-what?” Squeaked Lance. “Pidge hasn’t shoved her face in my crotch!”

“Close enough.”

“Are you feeling better Pidge?” Asked Allura?”

“Yeah.” Said Pidge. “I’m feeling way more relaxed now.”

“Then maybe I should go next?”

“Next for what?!” Asked Lance.

Keith chuckled. “A flower on your crotch? That really suits you Lance.”

“What are you trying to say Keith?” Asked Lance. “Can’t we just relax normally?” He instantly regretted saying that. Alura and Keith ended up on either side of Lance, crushing him slightly as all three otherworldly creatures napped The only one not napping was Lance. Pidge was drooling in her sleep getting his thigh all wet with dog drool, if he moved his hands too close to Keith’s face he’d bite them in his sleep, probably thinking they were french fries, and Allura’s hair had a mind of its own, wrapping around his other arm and squeezing tightly.

After what seemed like forever everyone got up feeling a lot more refreshed. “Man, I slept like a baby.” Said Keith. 

“Same.” Said Pidge.

“That was very refreshing.” Said Allura.

Keith looked over at Lance. The poor man looked dead tired. “Um, are you okay? Did you not sleep?”

“Don’t worry about me…”

“Come on Lance. Sleep is very important.” Said Keith.

“I know… I told you that…”

Keith sighed and stood up, dusting himself off. “Well, I’m so pumped up right now. Let’s go home and cook up some fries.”

“I didn’t know you knew how to cook.” Said Allura.

“Lance is teaching me.” Said Keith. “You wanna come over and eat fries with me?”

“For sure.”

“Can I come too?” Asked Pidge.

“Heck yeah.”

“... You know that’s my house you’re inviting everyone to.” Muttered Lance.


	26. Volleyball

After borrowing his mother’s van, Lance drove Keith, Krolia, Lotor, and Ezor out to a more secluded stretch of beach a fair bit away from the city. The group, lead by Lance, was going for a brisk walk by the beach. Lance felt energized and he hoped the elves and gorgon felt the same way.

“Nothing like a morning walk, huh guys?” He asked when they finished their walk.

“I guess you’re right…” Muttered Keith. “But… Why are we so far out here?”

Lance shrugged. “Well, try and consider this as a bit of a weight loss boot camp. It’s easier than the boot camps my sister does, so if you like this or find it easy, you might consider asking her to join her weekend boot camps? Besides, who doesn’t love the beach, right?”

“B-but out here… There’s no french fries!” Whined Keith.

“Or ice cream.” Said Krolia.

“Or ramen!” Whined Ezor.

Suddenly Lotor’s eyes lit up. “Oh! That’s why we are out here. It’s to help these clunkers avoid temptation.”

“Who are you calling a clunker?!” Snapped Keith.

Lance sighed. “Look, Lotor might have been a little harsh, but he’s correct. Look, the truth is that all of you snack too much.” He pointed at Keith. “You eat breakfast and then snack on fries.” He pointed at Krolia. “You eat lunch and then snack on soft serve.” He pointed at Ezor. “You have ramen for dinner and then ramen for supper. Your dietary issues are body issues! You can’t keep living like this!”

“So we are here so we can go cold turkey?” Whined Ezor.

Lance shrugged. “Kind of. The point of today is to help you reevaluate how you live. Your bad habits are going to end here. By creating a physical distance between you and your favourite things, they are shut out of your daily lives. Cravings that come from your senses like sight and sound can be string after all. By changing your behavior in this way, we can nip your cravings in the bud.”

Krolia, Keith and Ezor looked very disappointed in what was going on, but Lance was having none of it. He had put a lot of thought into this weekend. At least Lotor seemed to be on his side. The dark elf was nodding along to what he was saying.

“So this weekend this is going to be the plan; three healthy meals a day, proper exercise, and learning good habits. I also packed the schedule full of fun activities, so I’m hopin you’ll all have fun too.”

Lotor frowned a little. “While I agree with what you are saying, why am I here? I hardly ever snack between meals.”

“Oh, because you’re always complaining about your job. Even if it’s your day off they’ll want you on call, right? If you’re out here then they can’t expect you to suddenly come back in.”

“Hmm… I can’t argue with that.”

Lance smiled and clapped his hands. “Okay guys. Grab a drink and then we’re heading down to the beach.” The three food orientated elves whined about the lack of their favourite foods. Eventually they made it down to the beach. 

***

Unfortunately, the group was too distracted to notice a certain satyr watching them from the distance.Nyma had followed the group down and was planning her revenge against the elves. They were awful, terrible, wretched creatures. She hated them so, so much. 

“Those shameless elves… I won’t forgive them. I will get my revenge and humiliate them!” She looked over her shoulder at two shadowy figures standing in the treeline. “You two really did some to help me, right?”

“Of course we did.” Said the shoulder of the two.

The taller cracked her knuckles and smirked. “We also have a debt to settle with those elves. We have a common interest in their downfall.”

Nyma smirked and rubbed her hands together. “Perfect. I’ll get my revenge for sure this time…”

***

Krolia poked Lance’s shoulder, making him jump a little. “Lance?”

“Y-yes?!”

“Why did you put that fishing net on poles?”

“Oh, it’s a volleyball net.” Explained Lance. “I thought it might be fun if we played a bit of beach volleyball. You guys seem to like human things, right?”

“How do you play?” She asked. 

“Well, beach volleyball is played with two players per team.” As Lance explained everyone else walked over to see what he was talking about. “The goal is to send the ball to the other side of the court without it touching the ground. If your opponent can’t return the ball, you win a point. However, your team can only touch the call three times and the same person can’t touch the call twice in a row.” He smiled and happily picked up the volleyball. “The first team to reach 21 points while having a 2 point lead if given a set and the first team to take 2 sets is the winner.”

Ezor hummed a little and kicked at the sand. “It’s it kind of hard to move on the sand?”

Lance nodded. “Well yeah, but since sand absorbs the impact of your footsteps it decreases the impact on your joints. It might be a little hard to maintain stability, but this works your core muscles. But enough about that, let’s have fun while losing weight!”

Lance was designated as the referee since he knew the rules, and everyone split into teams of two. Ezor and Keith on one team with Krolia and Lotor on the other. Team Keith and Ezor started with the ball.

“Okay, here it comes!” Said Ezor cheerfully as she tossed the ball into the air, and spiked it into Keith’s head.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!”

“AHHHH!!! IT WAS JUST A JOKE!!!”

“Hey, calm down you two and play the game!” Snapped Lance.

Eventually everyone started to play volleyball properly. They quickly picked up the rules of the game and the quartet was soon jumping and diving for the ball with no problem. Thankfully they were playing a friendly game that wasn’t competitive. If it was, Lance was pretty sure Krolia would have spiked the ball into Keith’s face if she had the chance.

After the first set, Lance handed out a generic sports drink to them. They needed to keep hydrated and boost their electrolytes. “You guys are pretty good.”

“Thanks…” Muttered Keith as he quickly downed half his drink. “... I’ll get a set off you next time Krolia.”

“We shall see.” Said Krolia calmly. “Alright, let’s do another match.”

“I’m already wiped out…” Whined Ezor.

“Why are you tired?” Asked Keith. “I did all the hard work.”

“Exercise isn’t my strong suit.” Said Ezor. “Of course you’re agile. You’re an elf. It’s impressive, considering how rotund-”

“DID YOU JUST CALL ME ROTUND?!” He grabbed Ezor’s cheek and squeezed roughly, making her squeal.

“I could sub if you like?” Suggested Lance. The sound of sand shifting a fair bit away from them, made the elves jump and quickly hide their pointed ears under headbands and hats. Three women were walking up to them, all wearing similar looking sporty swimwear and heavily tinted sunglasses. 

A fit woman with short hair was holding a volleyball, cleared her throat. “Excuse me, but is this net taken?” 

“Oh, we just finished our first set.” Said Lance. “If you want to borrow it for a set you can go ahead.”

“Oh no, we…” The short haired woman looked over at Keith, grabbing Ezor’s face and tensed up. The taller woman, that looked very much like a bodybuilder, put her hand on the shorter’s shoulder. They shared a look before the short haired woman spoke again. “There are only three of us. We are one short, right? If you don’t mind, how about we play together?”

The elves happily agreed while Ezor decided to sit out and watch. Two teams of three with Ezor and Lance doing the refereeing. While the new comres went to warm up, Lance had a quick talk with the elves.

“Um, is it really a good idea for you guys to play against them?” He asked. “The are just normal humans… Please hold back so you don’t cause accidents.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Said Keith. “We won’t do anything crazy.”

The elves and the humans took to their sides of the net. Keith stood near the front and quickly did a few elven hand signals behind his back, informing that he would run back to receive, fat ass would set the ball, and Krolia would come in for the attack. He heard an affirmative huff from his mother and an angered grunt from Lotor, so he knew they understood his message.

The muscular women hit the ball over the net and it was game on. Keith ran back to hit it to Lotor, Lotor hit it to Krolia, Krolia went to spike it and… was immediately blocked by the bodybuilder and the short haired woman. The ball bounced back and the humans scored a point. The elves were in shock that anyone was able to block one of Krolia’s attacks. 

The human with blond pigtails smirked as her teammates high-fived each other. It was all going to plan.

“W-wow…” Said Lance. That was an incredible block…”

“So the score is 1-0.” Sais Ezor.

“Sorry mum…” Said Keith. “That caught me totally off-guard. There’s no way I could have returned that…”

“It’s okay.” She said. “It looks like I put a little too much power into that one. It’s hard to tell how much power to put into it… to completely crush your opponent…”

Lotor frowned a little. “Something tells me you’re using way too much power…”

Keith rolled his eyes. “And something tells me you’ve got too much in that caboose.”

Lotor glared at him and slapped Keith’s stomach. “Oh yeah?! And what about this? Looks more like a belly ball that a belly! How about I give it a toss!”

“Oh yeah?! How do you like my receive?!” Keith slammed his hands into Lotor’s ass like he was trying to send a volleyball over the net.

Before they could start fighting, Krolia quickly cracked their heads together. “Stop fighting.”

“S-sorry Krolia…” They both whimpered.

Lance just shook his head. “Man… Sometimes they are acting like old friends and sometimes they are acting like brothers going at each other’s throats…”

“Old friends huh…” Ezor let out a sad sigh.

“Is something wrong?” Asked Lance.

“Oh, no. It’s all good.” Said Ezor.

***

While they were talking, Nyma picked up the volleyball and smirked. Everything was going according to plan. She was going to humiliate them all and put them all in their place. She walked over to the bodybuilder and handed her the ball. “Hey, I have an idea. How about I mix some magic into this game?”

The two women looked at Nyma and chuckled. The shorter woman shrugged. “As long as you are not discovered, then you are welcome to.”

“Hey! Don’t treat me like some amateur!”

“You’re just imagining things.”

Nyma huffed and made a plan. The next time they hit the ball over the net, Nyma quickly cast slip on some sand in front of Keith. The elf slipped, flailed, landed face first in the sand while reaching out to grab something. He ended up reaching out and grabbing the back of Lotor’s shorts and yanked them clean off as Lotor jumped up to hit the ball back.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Snapped Lotor as he pulled his shorts back on.

“It was an accident!” The two eleves started to fight again, and both got clobbered by Krolia again. 

After that, they went back to trying and failing to score a point. Nyam was loving this. They were going to be completely humiliated in a crushing defeat… That was until the bodybuilder missed a ball. She and her friend just shrugged it off like it was nothing. At the end of the first set they scored 21 and against the 15 that the elves scored.

“The all girls team won the first set…” Said Lance in disbelief.

Everyone took a break to get some water. Nyma couldn’t help but glare at her teammates. This was not what she wanted at all. She wanted total domination. Not this B.S.

“It seems like something is troubling you.” Said the bodybuilder.

“You’re damn right there is!” Hissed Nyma. “You gave them those points! You ruined my perfect game! Why didn’t you follow my plan?!”

The short haired woman chuckled. “Clearly you have misunderstood. We just agreed to cooperate. We did not agree to take orders from you.” They gestured to the tired elves. “Look at how exhausted they are. By allowing our opponents to score and draw the set out, have we not gained the upper hand?”

“But even if we won while playing fair, they wouldn’t feel embar-”

“Even if we agreed to achieve your goal, There must be corporal punishment exated upon them…” She growled darkly. Her tone made Nyma shiver. “The only reason you are here is to balance out the teams so we can go after all the elves at once. I would advise you to stay back.”

“Wh-what are you planning to do?” Asked Nyma with dread.

“We have already coiled around our prey.” Said the short haired woman. “All we must do now is gradually squeeze the life out of them.” She looked up at the bodybuilder. “It’s time.”

The bodybuilder smirked and cracked her knuckles. “Yes. The suffering that she was forced to endure… that pain… Let’s give them a taste.”

***

“Alright!” Called Lance. “Time for the second set to start!”

“Good luck both teams!” Called Ezor.

Keith served the ball, the short haired girl received it, the bodybuilder set it up, and the short haired girl went to spike it. “First out of three!” She hissed. The ball practically hissed through the air as it struck Krolia in the wrist and rebounded right into her face. She fell back into the sand, flat on her back.

“Mum?!” Called Keith in shock.

She dusted herself off and stood up. “I am fine.”

“Are you sure?” Asked Keith.

“It is nothing to worry about.” Krolia said calmly. She looked over at the trio on the other side of the net. “The real concern is you. Who the hell are you?”

“We’re merely an ordinary crew of beach volleyball players.” Said the short haired woman.

“Bull fucking shit!” Snapped Keith. “There’s no way my mum could be overpowered by some nobody! No fucking way that spike was a fluke!”

“It was a normal spike. Her inability to return it was nothing more than an error on her part.”

“Bull shit!”

“Hey, calm down Keith.” Said Lance. “I understand you’re frustrated, but the goal here is to have fun playing sports normally. Just try not to hurt yourselves and…” He sniffed the air. “Do I smell cooking?”

They looked over at Ezor, who had a little portable campfire set up to boil noodles for her instant ramen. “Um… It’s not what you think?”

Now Keith looked pissed. “Oh, so you’re treating yourself? How unfair!”

“B-but I’m starving!”

Keith snatched the ramen cup away from her. “Shut up! If I can’t have fries then you can’t have ramen and… What’s happening to your hair?”

Ezor gasped and touched her hair. It was coming alive again in the form of snakes. “Oh my gods! This is resonance! My snakes don’t just react to my emotions, but the emotions of the people closest to me! It’s kind of like telepathy! They must have detected Acxa and Zethrid! My best friend and girlfriend! And they are pissed!”

“Your what now?!”

Suddenly the bodybuilder bent the net in half with her hand. “How dare you… You torment my Ezor in front of my own eyes not once, but twice?!

“Is that your girlfriend or your friend?” Asked Keith. 

Ezor just looked confused as dozens of small snakes appeared on her head. “Wh-who are you?”

“What are you talking about?!” Asked Lotor in shock. “Don’t you know them?”

“B-but… Zethred and Acxa are fat…” Said Ezor. She quickly crouched down and drew two blobs in the sand. “They were more plump and round…”

The bodybuilder cleared her throat. “Acxa and I… We chased after you, all the way to this world. And while we were searching for you, we burned all that fat away.”

“Wait, so why the fuck are you targeting us?” Asked Keith. “The fuck did we do?”

Zethrid sighed and gently touched the snakes on her head. “Well, if you had listened to Ezor you would know. Our snake’s senses are linked together. Our feelings flow through them. I could sense that my girlfriend was in utter despair. Thus, you are the root cause of this matter, elf.”

Keith frowned and thought about all this for a moment, He suddenly remembered the time Ezor lost control and she cried because he said she couldn’t have rane anymore. Were they able to sense how distressed she was and reacted to that?

Acxa cracked her knuckles. “Now that you are here, you will pay us what we are due.”

“Wait, what? Seriously?” Asked Keith. “You guys are way too overprotective.”

“Enough!” Said Acxa. “As I said before, we have gradually squeezed the life out of them. It is time to finish them off.”

“Wait!” Cried Ezor. “Acxa, I can’t-”

“It’s okay Ezor.” Said Zethrid. “We’ll be the ones to do this. You don’t have to lift a finger.”

“Ah shit.” Hissed Keith. “Come on guys. Looks like we’re going to have to fight our way out of this one.” Lotor also took a fighting stance and so did Krolia, but she fell over. “Mum!”

Krolia was shivering. She looked down at her wrist and frowned. She had a snake bite.“That spike…”

“You seemed the most difficult.” Said Acxa. “So I shut you down first.”

“Shit!” Hissed Keith. “Lotor! Give her an antidote!”

“I can’t create an antidote with my magic!”

“A lot of good your fat ass does!”

“My ass has nothing to do with it potato brain!”

“Don’t worry.” Said Acxa. “The venom is not fatal. She will heal in time… Well, by the time she heals she will have a different type of wound entirely! Now we have you! We are going to punish you for the pain you inflicted upon our Ezor!”

“NO!” Yelled Ezor as she got between them. “Acxa! Zethrird! No fighting!”

“B-but they hurt you…” Said Zethrid. “Ezor, we-”

“I never asked for this!” She yelled. “Do you two even remember why I ran away from home?! You two just kept smothering me! Zethrid, you protected me from everything and wouldn’t let me put myself in any kind of danger at all! I wanted to go on dates to the swamps and highlands, but you said they were too dangerous! Acxa, you were always trying to stop me from going hunting with you saying that I’m too delicate! I’m a gorgon too!”

Zethrid looked like she was about to cry. “B-but honey snake-” 

“Don’t interrupt me!” Snapped Ezor. “These people are my friends! They are important to me! Apologize to them right now! Especially Lance! He’s terrified of snakes!” She pointed to Lance, who had fainted the second Ezor’s hair changed into a snake.

Acxa and Zethrid reluctantly apologized to the elves and Lance, even though he probably didn’t hear it. While this happened, Nyma quickly ran away. It was clear that the gorgons weren’t going to help in her plans to humiliate them. She needed a better plan. Once again she swore vengeance on them.


	27. Clothes

Lance hummed to himself as he took Keith’s measurements in his office. Once a month they would go over Keith’s whole body to track his weight loss progress. His body was still as soft as ever, but he had lost some weight, according to his measurements.

“Not bad. You’re doing pretty well.”

“It doesn’t look like I’ve lost much.” Muttered Keith as he squeezed his love handles.

Lance shrugged and jotted down his numbers. “It might not look like much, but it is. The first fat you lose is the fat around your internal organs. After that you start to burn fat from everywhere else. So while you might not look like you’re losing weight, you’re actually losing a fair bit. I mean, you have lost a fair bit of weight.”

“... I feel like you’re mocking me.”

“I’m being serious. Look.” Lance got onto his work computer and showed Keith his weight chart. “Here, you dip down a lot and yeah, sometimes it shoots back up, but those times were because of Nyma or times when you started to over eat.”

“Huh, okay…”

“Yeah, and this is your body scan.” Lance showed Keith two body scans of Keith. “So if you look at the scans you have actually lost some weight around your stomach and ass. You might not have noticed, but if you look at these scans side by side you have lost weight. Your posture has improved too.”

Keith tilted his head slightly as he looked at the scans. “Hmm, I guess I do look slightly slimmer, but not really... Man, I wish there was a quicker way to lose weight…”

Lance shrugged. “Unfortunately there isn’t much of a quick way. I mean, there are some medications and surgical procedures that can help but-”

“What medicine?” Asked Keith quickly. “I thought you said we shouldn’t take diet pills?”

“Not without talking to a doctor first.” Said Lance. “Some medications that you need a prescription for can have some horrible side effects. Things like violet diarrhea, intense nausea, headaches, insomnia, and all kinds of terrible things.”

“Then why take it in the first place?”

“Because it still does what it does very effectively.” Said Lance. “It helps give you the energy you need to lose weight.”

Keith nodded a little. “I see… But what is surgery?

“It’s where doctors cut you open to fix you.”

Keith looked like he was going to be visibly sick. “Seriously? You want someone to cut you open willingly?”

“Hey, it’s what doctors do and it’s pretty rare for someone to die on an operating table these days for something simple.” Lance shook his head. “Anyway, there are some surgeries you can get, like a stomach sleeve. That’s where a portion of your stomach is removed so it’s more like a sleeve.”

“... Does that work?”

“Well yeah? You eat a lot less and you get fuller way faster.” Said Lance. “Though you need to go to a doctor and they will need to see if you qualify for such a thing… Surgery is always the last option and I only recommend it if my clients have stagnated for several months or if there are some other underlying health issues.”

Keith frowned a little. “Eh, fine…”

“Why? Did you want to get the surgery?”

“I just want to get faster results.”

“Well slow is a lot better in this case.” Said Lance. “It’s easier to maintain your weight if you do it slowly. If it happens too quickly your body might go into starvation mode and you could end up gaining more weight in the end.”

Keith sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I guess… I just wish I was able to lose weight faster…”

“... It’ll be okay.” Said Lance. “I have faith in you. Come on, you were my last client of the day. We can grab some things at the store for dinner?”

“Fri-”

“No fries.”

Keith pouted, but the two of them headed off to the store. Lance grabbed a basket and the two of them walked around the fresh food section. As they did, Lance couldn’t help but smile at him. Keith was making such big strides with his health, even if he didn’t see it.

He still had really cute love handles and soft thighs that Lance just wanted to squeeze and pinch. He was so soft and cute, and Lance was still very much a chubby chaser. Keith was still very much his ideal physique when it came to a partner so Lance was very, very attracted to him.

Lance watched as Keith leaned over the apples to try and find some good ones and he noticed that the sweatpants that he usually wore were kind of slipping down past his hips now. It was even more proof that Keith was losing weight. Maybe they should look for new clothes? It might improve Keith’s mood a little? He knew that some of his clients were always very, very happy when they mentioned they could shop at places they never did before.

They got home and Lance showed Keith how to make cauliflower rice. Keith seemed intrigued by it and was more than happy to watch him do it and had a go himself. Which made Lance grin. He was happy that Keith was more than willing to learn.

***

Early the next day Keith and Krolia had decided to go for a long walk, or to be more precise, Krolia grabbed a sleeping Keith by the elastic of his pants and dragged him outside before he was even properly awake. Lance just waved goodbye to them and went about doing a bit of laundry. He took note of what size Keith’s pants and shirts were before he decided to go out and do a bit of shopping.

He walked past a few shops with lovely looking suits and clothes. Lots of dark reds and purples that he thought would look really nice on Keith… Also he thought Keith would look really handsome in a suit. He’d also look cute in jeans, or a tank top… Lance was almost drooling at the thought of looking over at Keith and catching sight of his nipple through one of the larger holes in a tank top.

He sighed in mild frustration. Lance really thought that Keith was funny, cute, sexy, and someone he really liked, but he was a client. Lance was a professional and was going to help his clients as best he could. Even when he thought his clients looked good just the way that they were.

Lance sighed and shook his head. Keith probably didn’t like him like that anyway. He was just some skinny human guy that Keith probably wouldn’t like at all. It was kind of sad, but true. Elves probably had different standards when it came to beauty or what they wanted in a partner… Was gay even a thing for elves? Lance didn’t really know and headed on home after he bought the clothes he wanted.

When he got home he found what looked like Keith trying to melt into the floor. Lance very cautiously nudged him with his food. “You okay there?”

“Krolia is crazy…” He grumbled.

“Where is she?”

“Shower… We only got home a few minutes ago…”

“Ah, okay.” He looked down at his bags and then back at Keith. “So um, I noticed some of your clothes were getting a bit loose, so I bought some clothes for you. Want to try them on after you shower?”

Keith looked up at him and gave him a confused look. “You bought me stuff?”

“Yeah. It’s some workout stuff like tank tops and shorts… I also noticed you don’t really have anything that isn’t casual, so I got some other stuff for you.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because your clothes are getting loose on you.” Said Lance. “And I thought it might make you feel a little more encouraged to work out more when you see how good you look in clothes that fit you better?”

“... Okay.”

When Krolia got out of the shower it was Keith’s turn. When Keith was clean, Lance gave Keith the clothes to try on. Krolia was very pleased that Keith was wearing clothes better cut and fitted to his body. Keith seemed shocked that he actually looked alright in the clothes that Lance picked out for him.

“Wow… Red and purples really suit me, huh?”

“Purple always suits us elves.” Said Krolia. “Good choice. Red also makes it hard to tell if you have been hit or bleeding, thus not raising the moral of the enemy.”

Lance gave her a confused look. “Thanks? I think?”

Krolia just nodded in approval as Keith walked around in the red shorts that Lance got for him. They were so cute and hugged his ass perfectly. He couldn’t help but stare and hope that Keith would wear them just a little bit more.

“Thanks Lance. This is really nice.” Said Keith. “Thank you.”

Lance shrugged. “Think nothing of it. I just want you to be happy in your body. Everyone deserves to feel confident in their body and happy in their own body.”

“You’re a really good man.” Said Korlia. She stood up and cracked her knuckles. “Since you are so good to us, let us reward you with lunch. Keith! Get your knife.”

“Okay!”

Lance was a little worried about letting the two elves in the kitchen, but thankfully they weren’t in there very long and when they came out they had made a garden salad with leftover roast chicken breast from last night’s dinner. The two of them made a halfway decent chicken salad.

“Wow, you guys, this is really nice.” Said Lance.

Keith shrugged. “It’s nothing. You kind of taught the two of us how to cook and stuff, so yeah. Let us make food for you sometimes.”

“Thanks. I think I will.” Lance was happy that his cooking lessons were sticking.


	28. Rumble

The sky was dark, almost black despite it being the afternoon. Lance sighed a little as he looked out the door and texted Keith to see if he needed anything from the store. Of course the potato elf asked for fries. As Lance was texting that he couldn’t bring him fries the wind picked up and a downpour started. Lance had to ask Keith to bring him an umbrella. Keith attempted to haggle to get the umbrella in exchange for fries.

Suddenly the front door opened up and in walked Sendak. He was completely soaking wet. “Evening human.”

“Hey Sendak. Damn, you’re soaked. I’ll get you a towel.”

“I’d appreciate that. It just started pouring out of nowhere anyway.”

“I’ll be back in a second.” Lance quickly walked to the back office where his sister, Veronica, was working. 

“What’s going on beanstalk?”

“Sendak got caught in the rain so I’m getting him a towel and seeing if we have some clothes he can borrow while I dry his.”

“Do we even have any clothes in his size?”

“There’s the clothes we use for Shiro when he comes in for physicals.”

“How tall is he anyway?”

“About 230cm.”

“Shit, that’s tall!”

“Yeah, I know. I’m gonna start my session with him now.”

Lance took Sendak back to the treatment room and took his wet clothes while he took the dry ones and a towel. Sendak apologised again for getting caught out in the rain like that. Lance shrugged and told him not to worry and set him up on the massage table.

“How are you feeling?” Asked Lance as he got behind Sendak and started to gently touch the cyclop’s back.

“My shoulders are stiff.”

Lance nodded and touched his shoulder. They were very tense. “Huh… You do have good muscle definition though, how has work been?”

“Pretty good actually. Cyclops are natural craftsmen. That female elf taught me some nice weapon designs.” Said Sendak. “Also made some interesting little things. Rings and stuff. I find it a challenge to make something so small… The accessories of this world are so small and kind of adorable. But since they are so small if I want to wear something like a skull ring I have to make it myself… It’s kind of funny since I’m on the small side for a giant.”

Lance paused in his massage. “... What?”

“Does that surprise you, human?”

“Well yeah? The tallest human in the world was like 272cm. So I guess it’s plausible that there are humans taller than you…”

Sendak looked confused. “Is that considered tall?” 

“Yes?”

“Oh! You mean for a human!” Sendak laughed. “A lot of titan races are actually a lot taller than me. To reduce our cost of living and to prevent needless destruction, we use magic to shrink ourselves down. Right now I’m roughly half of my maximum size.”

Lance’s jaw dropped. “Y-you’re actually 460cm?! Not 230cm?!”

“Does that surprise you?”

“W-well yeah? Kind of? Wh-what about Shiro?”

“Yeah, he’s half his usual size too.”

“That’s… That’s really something…”

Sendak chuckled. “Yeah, we can revert to our original form for self-defence or when we go to war. So you probably won’t see that, Anyway, we’re getting off topic. My shoulders, human.”

“R-right…” Lance got Sendak to lay down on the massage table and he started to work on his shoulders. They were extremely tight and tense. “You know, spending a long time in the same posture causes your muscles to tighten up. Be sure to take frequent breaks.”

“I am aware of that.” Growled the cyclops.

Lance chose to ignore the threatening tone in his voice. “O-okay. You can do some stretches to help. Like tricep stretches, shoulder circles and shoulder shrugs.” Said Lance quickly. “You should target your triceps and other muscles in the shoulder to stay limber. Also eye strain can lead to stiff shoulders so keep that in mind.”

“... I only have one eye.”

“...”

“...”

“... Well it’s even more important. I take it you sit down a lot since you talked about making rings and stuff earlier, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Sitting for long periods of time also causes your butt to lock up.”

“What?”

“I mean it causes muscle stiffness in your butt.”

“That’s a thing?”

Lance nodded. “Yep. Tension in these muscles is the number one cause of sciatica.”

“What?”

“Sciatica is pain resulting from the body trying to protect the butt muscles.” Explained Lance. “The sciatic nerve threads under the piriformis muscle and when the muscles tighten up, they put pressure directly on the nerve. Pressure on that nerve causes numbness and pain. It can be severe and it’s important to try and prevent it at all costs.”

Sendak gave him an annoyed look. “And how do I do that?”

“W-well… You shouldn’t sit for too long long periods of time. You should get up at least once an hour and do some leg exercises.”

“Huh, alright.” Muttered Sendak. Lance continued to massage Sendak’s back, starting to massage Sendaks’s back when the sound of something rumbling. Sendak instantly froze up. “What was that?”

Lance paused for a moment. “Um… Sounds like Rachel moving the supply cart around…”

“Oh good… Thought it was thunder…” Muttered the cyclops. “Scared the heck-”

A loud crash and bang happened out in the hall. Lance quickly looked out into the hall and saw Rachel trying to clean up the tipped over cart. “You okay there Rachel?” He asked.

His sister nodded. “Yeah, sorry about that. It’s the cart with the wheel that gets stuck. I got this, you get back to your client.”

“Okay.” Lance sighed and closed the door. “Sorry about that Sendak. Hope that didn’t startle… you?” He was confused because Sendak was no longer on the massage table. He was on the floor and actually looked like he was terrified. “A-are you okay?”

“Th-that wasn’t thunder?”

“No? Just my sister… Are you afraid of thunder?”

“Not really thunder per say… But the lightning that follows…” Muttered Sendak. “You’d freak out a bit too if you’d been struck by lightning. Stupid conductive metal…”

“Well that was my sister not-” They heard a muffled rumbling. “-okay that was thunder… I hope it calms down by the time that Keith gets here.”

Suddenly a loud crash filled the building and Rachel ran into the room. “Hey! Are you guys okay? That wasn’t thunder was… it..?” Her eyes went wide with a mix of shock and horror at what she saw in that room.

***

Keith happily hummed to himself as he walked to Lance’s work place with an umbrella in hand. He was quietly lamenting about how Lance would be completely useless without him. Always forgetting things and getting him to do it for him. It made him some a little. It was nice to be needed.

Keith also had to admit that over the past few days things had subtly changed in their dynamic. It was so subtle that he doubted that the human noticed it, but Keith did. Lance was looking at him more and although it felt weird, it also felt nice. He needed to talk to Lance about it soon, but right now, umbrella.

He happily walked into the clinic. “Hey Lance? I got your umbrella. Still storming out there… Lance?”

Keith heard a strange noise coming from the back rooms. Curious, the elf walked into the back rooms and entered the first room that he heard noise coming from. He entered and found Sendak, in his full, no longer shrunken, cyclops form, curled up on the ground, shaking like a leaf and practically crushing Lance to death in his grip. On the floor it looked like Rachel had fainted in shock.

“N-no more thunder…” Muttered the cyclops. “N-no more lightning…”

“K-Keith!” Squeaked Lance. “H-help me!”

“... Is this what you needed the umbrella for?”


	29. Harem fantasy

Every day, just like the last, Lance woke up early in the morning squished between Keith and Lotor. It did surprise him a lot, but he was used to waking up next to his rather thick friends. So once they were all dressed and ready for school, Lance scolded them as they walked there.

“You two shouldn’t scare me like that first thing in the morning.” He muttered.

Keith just shrugged. “You’re lucky you have us to rely on. You’ve been helpless ever since your mother went on her business trip.”

“But why were you two in my bed?”

“You’d never get out of bed in the morning if we didn’t.”

Lotor made a dismissive sound as he brushed some hair back behind his shoulder. “You know, it is a pain to go to your apartment to wake you up. It would be so much easier if we just slept together.”

Lance’s face went bright red at the thought. Sleeping between the two of them? That would be just too much. “I um…”

Keith rolled his eyes and nudged him as he ate some fries. “Why are you still acting all shy around us? How many years had it been?”

Lotor nodded in agreement. “That’s right. We’ve been friends since we were kids.”

“That’s why it’s embarrassing…” Lance frowned and stopped walking. “Wait, since we were kids?” That didn’t sound right to him. He didn’t think he knew Keith and Lotor for that long. It was so weird, but he couldn’t put his finger on what made it so wrong in the first place.

“Morning!” Chimed a cheerful voice. The trio turned to see all of their school friends; Plaxum, Allura, Hunk, Romelle, Pidge, Nyma, Sendak, Narti, Ezor, Acxa, and Zethrid. Everyone said their good mornings to everyone and happily started to walk to school.

Keith smiled a little and lightly nudged Lance’s arm. “Looks like all your childhood friends are here.”

Lance nodded and kept walking, but there was something about this whole situation that just didn’t sit right with him. Did he really have this many childhood friends? Maybe he did? He couldn’t remember how he met any of them though. This was… Interesting… He also kind of felt that he was already done with school… Didn’t he live in a house with the rest of his family?

“Hey!” Said Plaxum suddenly. She was pointing an accusing finger at Lotor and Keith. “Aren’t you two getting an unfair advantage here?”

“I’m sure we have no idea what you are talking about.” Muttered Lotor bitterly.

Hunk was having none of it. “You two are already staying with Lance. We were supposed to decide the turn order today!”

“You live in the same apartment building too.” Said Sendak. “It’s not fair.” 

Everything quickly descended into loud arguing about who was spending time with Lance, which honestly confused the heck out of him. He had no idea why everyone was seemingly fighting over him. It made no sense.

Before he could defuse the situation, Acxa pulled him aside and held his arm close to her chest. Zethrid had intertwined her fingers with his hand and Ezore was practically hanging onto his back with a cup of ramen in her hand.

“Let us let them fight it out and go off on our own, shall we?” Suggested Acxa.

Ezor giggled. “Hey Lance, want some of my ramen? Let me feed you.”

“No thanks. I think I’ll pass.” He said. Zethrid suddenly squeezed his hand and Lance looked over at her. She stared at him for a few seconds before she winked at him. Which made Lance blush a little.

“STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU DELINQUENTS!!!” Yelled out a frustrated Keith.

Acxa chuckled as she looked back at the angry crowd of school children that were running towards them. “Looks like they finally noticed. Time to run.” They grabbed hold of Lance and quickly ran to the school as fast as they could.

Thankfully they let him go when they got to school, but they weren’t very happy with Lance getting taken away from them. They also didn’t seem to care about the fact that they were all standing around Lance’s desk while having their conversation.

“Geez…” Muttered Keith. “You really have to be on guard around those girls… Our best chance to charm him is on the walk to school, but they...”

“That’s rich coming from you Keith.” Muttered Pidge.

“What?!”

Allura nodded in agreement. “Pidge is right.”

Plaxum pointed a finger at him. “You and Lotor were the ones breaking the rules in the first place.”

“We all get equal time with Lance.” Said Romelle sternly. “That’s the rules!” As she was talking, Narti yawned and fell asleep against Lance’s shoulder. It almost sent the whole room into an uproar.

Lotor slammed his hands against his desk. “Hey! Why are you all standing around? The teacher shall be here any moment.” One would expect nothing less from the class president. “You’re also bothering Lance.”

Everyone grumbled and reluctantly returned to their seats. “Thanks Lotor.” Said Lance.

A light blush dusted Lotor’s cheeks. “N-no problem. You know me Lance, I’m just doing my job. Class president and all that… Yeah…”

The classroom door suddenly opened and in walked their teacher, Krolia Kogane. “Good morning class.”

“Good morning Miss Kogane.” Said the students.

Their teacher put her folder down and was about to start the lesson when she caught Lance’s eye. She paused for a moment and walked towards him. “Good morning Lance.”

“Oh, good morning Miss Kogane.” Said Lance. He wasn’t sure why he was getting singled out.

She leaned over his desk and tilted his chin up so they were staring into each other’s eyes. “Time to start homeroom, just the two of us.”

“HEY!!!” Yelled Keith. “MUM YOU PERVERT!!!”

“YOU’RE A TEACHER!!!” Yelled Lotor. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!”

Krolia shrugged. “I have a right to tutor him one-on-one when he can’t make it to school.”

“None of us are allowed to be alone with him.” Pointed out Sendak.

“It’s not allowed!” Snapped Ezor. The room quickly devolved into utter chaos with people complaining and yelling. Different insults were getting thrown around as people fought over Lance for some reason.

“Hey! Stop fighting!” Said Lance. “We have to take attendance! But while we’re on the subject, why does everyone want to be alone with me?” Everyone stopped fighting and looked at Lance like he had gone crazy. Like he had grown three heads.

“Lance, what’s going on?” Asked Hunk.

“You know why!” Said Plaxum.

“We are all madly in love with you.” Said Allura.

“Oh, that makes sense.” Said Lance. “... WAIT, WHAT?!”

“You’ve been weird today.” Said Ezor.

“Don’t tell me you forgot our promise!” Said Keith.

“What promise?!” Lance was still freaking out that everyone was apparently in love with him. That was still freaking him out.

But apparently that was the wrong thing to say because Keith looked pissed. “Lance, you idiot! The promise you made when we were kids! You promised that the person whose fat you loved the most is the one you’re going to marry!”

Lance was stunned into silence. “I… What? D-did I really…?!”

“Don’t play dumb with me, chubby chaser!”

Lotor glared at him as the aura in the room suddenly went dark. “Lance… don’t tell me you’re playing dumb because it’s too much trouble to make a decision.”

“Yeah…” 

“That has to be it…”

“We need an answer Lance…”

“We need one right now.”

“Who are you going to marry?”

Luckily, or unluckily as the case might be, before Lance could say anything Shiro performed a flying kick through the window while carrying a reluctant Moontow who was forced into a baby onesie. “Hold it!” He said firmly. “If Lance is going to marry anyone, it’s going to be me! His papa!”

“MY WHAT?!”

“I remember it like it was yesterday…” Said Shiro. “Lance proposed to me while holding a flower…”

“A parent can’t marry their child!” Snapped Keith. “This isn’t some sweet home Alabama white people bullshit! And what about your business trip!? And why did you break in through the window?”

Shiro’s expression of pleasant nostalgia suddenly became very serious. “Oh yeah! We have to get out of here right now! While you’ve been off in the rom-com world, something terrible happened!” 

He pointed out the window and everyone looked. Right there in the courtyard they saw them… Students ripped open other students and teachers… devouring their organs like they were starving.

“Wh-what?” Gasped Lance in shock. “They’re… eating each other?!”

Shiro nodded grimmly. “It’s that hot new diet supplement everyone’s talking about. If you take it and lose weight… You turn into a zombie!”

***

“Wait, hold on! Cut, cut!” High above Lance’s building, a rather sleepy dream demon by the name of Shay and her baku companion were feasting on the dreams of one Lance McClain. “Come on. Don’t turn this dream into a nightmare!” 

The baku didn’t care and continued to feed off of the zombie nightmare that Lance was currently stuck in. Currently Lance was running around and looking for weapons as the rest of his classmates were doing everything they could to protect him. The baku seemed to love this all the same and munched even more.

Shay just sighed and patted their head. “You sure do love nightmares, don’t you? But hear me out okay? Now is not the time for nightmares. There are hardly any of the purely enjoyable dreams that I like, and that is why we are here. I’ve grown tired of the dreams this world has to offer, but not this human. Because he has many friends from our world his dreams are a blend of this world and ours. It’s a one of a kind taste. Do you understand why I don’t want you to turn it into a nightmare now?”

“Herk…” Grunted the baku reluctantly.

“Aw thanks. That means so much to me.”

“Hold it right there you two!” Snapped a particularly pissed off Nyma. “I never thought that a baku and a oneiroi would team up! So you’re the reason the human’s dreams have been all weird lately. Your dreams have drained all his desires!”

Shay yawned a little. “Oh look, a satyr.”

“Shut it dream demon! I found that human first! Go find someone else!”

Shay thought for a moment before sticking her tongue out. “No way. We’re going to keep eating. Lance’s dreams are far too tasty.”

“Oh! It’s on now!” Nyma was ready to throw hands with Shay, and Shay was more than ready to do the same.

***

The next morning when Keith went to see if Lance was awake yet, the elf was surprised to see Lance asleep in his bed, squished between Nyma, an oneiroi, and a baku. Those three looked like they had been in some epic fight. Keith didn’t look too comfortable, but everyone was still asleep.

Keith turned around and quickly left the room. “... Yeah, not even going to ask.”


	30. Bath time panic

It was a warm and sunny day as Moontow scrounged around the playground to find shiny objects. The hobbit’s actions happened to catch Narti’s attention as she was going for a walk, and after talking, Narti started to help the hobbit look for shiny things too. The two of them spent the better half of the day stuffing their pockets full of things like marbles, plastic tokens, rocks, and anything else that was sparkly.

They only stopped when they physically couldn’t stuff their pockets anymore. Moontow laughed in delight and wiped the sweat from her forehead. “Man, we really found a lot of nice stuff… But I think we got a little carried away… I got my only good clothes dirty… And I’m all sweaty.”

Narti nodded in agreement as she had gotten her clothes rather dirty too. The dragon thought for a moment before she nodded slowly. _“I know just the place we can go. Follow me.”_ She started to walk out of the park with Moontow quickly following behind her.

After a few minutes of walking they ended up at a building and walked inside one of the doors. They stood in the entrance way and Lance stared at them with both a confused and terrified expression. He was still scared of reptiles and Narti’s presence in his house was triggering his herpetophobia. 

He couldn’t even speak to her as she walked past him and into the bathroom. He had to look away and hold his breath. Lance was very confused as to why Narti just walked into his bathroom.

“Um, where are we?” Asked Moontow.

“My house?” Answered Lance in confusion. He had no idea what was going on.

Moontow seemed to relax a little. “Oh sweet. I wasn’t sure where Narti was taking me. We came to use your bath.”

“... Really? That’s why you two are here?” Asked Lance. “Well, stranger things have happened, be my guest. Your clothes are pretty dirty too. What happened? Did you get into a fight?”

Moontow shook her head. “Nah, we were caught up hunting for shinies we didn’t even notice.”

Lance didn’t really understand what she meant by that, but he was just glad they didn’t go and get themselves hurt. “Well, if you like I can also give your clothes a quick wash. I don’t have anything that’s really in your size for you to wear in the meantime… Are you okay with just wearing a T-shirt?”

“That’d be nice. Thanks.” She reached into her pocket and held something out to Lance in a closed fist. “Here. Payment for services.”

“Oh, you don’t need to pay me. I need to do laundry anyway.”

“I insist.” Said Moontow sternly. “I don’t want to be in your debt. If you don’t take it I’ll just leave right now.”

Lance sighed a little reluctantly and held out his hand to take the payment. “Okay. I’ll take-”

Narti suddenly came stumbling out of the bathroom in just her underwear with her shirt caught on her horns. _“I require assistance…”_ Lance froze in terror and tried to remind himself that Narti was a dragon and not a horrible scaly monster that would bite him.

“The hell are you doing?” Asked Moontow. She sighed and directed her back into the bathroom. “Geez, I’ll help you get it off… By the way, human, your payment is one shiny rock.” 

The two of them went into the bathroom and after a few seconds of deep breathing, Lance looked down at the rock in his hand. Moontow’s payment was a marble. One of those cats eye ones. Clear with a swirl of white and dark blue streaked through the middle. He was a little surprised that she gave him a marble, but he was okay with it.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened up and Moontow happily walked out with a towel draped around her like a robe. “Ah, that was refreshing.”

“You’re done already?!” He asked in shock.

The hobbit just nodded. “Yep. We hobbits live in the fast lane. We don’t like to stew in the tub. Stewing is for potatoes.”

“Um… you should probably stay in the tub for a bit longer. You and Natri have been working hard all day, right? In that case you really should stay longer in the tub so you won’t be sore tomorrow.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Well, a hot bath alleviates your fatigue through multiple means.” Explained Lance. “Heat raises the surface temperature of the skin, your body temperature rises and therefore improves your blood circulation. Hydrostatic pressure, which is water in the tub applying pressure to the body, puts pressure on your body which prevents blood pooling in limbs so it helps with recirculation. Buoyancy force reduces apparent body weight by about 90%, which relieves tension in muscles and joints. So long story short, better blood flow means the substances that cause fatigue are more quickly moved from your muscles which accelerates your recovery.”

“... Hmm, okay.”

Lance was on a roll now as he quickly spouted off his knowledge on baths. “Furthermore, soaking in a cooler bath of about 38-40°C for around 10-15 minutes activates the parasympathetic nervous system. That relaxes your mind and puts your body into rest mode, which is said to improve your sleep. It’s the opposite to the sympathetic nervous system that is active when you’re awake and moving around. You should have a warm bath in the morning to help activate-”

“Might as well get my money’s worth!” Said Moontow quickly and retreated back into the bathroom.

Lance just shrugged and went to the kitchen to check on the tea he had been brewing for Keith and Krolia. Those two had gone for a walk and should be back soon.

***

Moontow sighed and walked back into the bathroom. “Man… Lance really likes to talk your ear off huh? It’s fucking crazy.” 

When she got into the bathroom, she saw that Narti was naked and sitting on a little plastic stool in the bathtub. She wasn’t moving. Just sitting there. Waiting.

“Um… You waiting for something?”

_“Stop neglecting your duties.”_

“What?”

Narti thumped her tail against the tub in annoyance. _“Hurry up and wash me.”_ This behaviour was kind of annoying, but not unexpected. As a dragon, Narti was seen as practically a god in their world. If they demanded something from someone else they would do it, or get eaten. This was possibly part of the reason why she got fat. Before coming to this world she never did anything for herself. _“I am a dragon, the apex predator, she who stands above-”_

“Yeah, I get it. Calm your horns missy.” Said Moontow. While Narti’s attitude was a little annoying, Narti was good at finding shiny things. Which Mootow loved. So she might as well be nice to the dragon to get her hands on some more impressive shiny things. “Don’t you worry! I’ll make your scales shiny and your hair pretty!”

_“Good.”_

Moontow hummed as she looked through the different bottles in and around the shower area. She had no idea what to use. “Um… Let’s go with the pricy looking stuff… What a weird looking lid...” She removed the pump nozzle and almost completely emptied the bottle onto Narti’s head before she started to run her fingers through the dragon’s hair. She was surprised that it was foaming up so much. “Is this good?”

_“No. You are doing well.”_

“Man this stuff rules! Looks at all the suds!” Said Moontow. “I’m gonna get in on this! We can’t forget the body of course.” 

The two of them ended up getting completely covered in soap before Moontow rinsed them all off and filled the tub with warm water. The tub was big enough for the both of them to comfortably sit in, so they did. Moontow sighed in delight. Perhaps Lance was onto something about stewing in a tub like a potato?

“Man, this is so relaxing… I could just fall asleep in here. This is so good. What do you think Narti? … Narti?” She looked over at the dragon just to see her slip below the surface of the water. With a fair bit of effort, Moontow managed to pull the dragon out of the tub and dumped her on the floor. “Damn it! If that had actually killed you I’d probably be known as the least qualified dragon slayer!”

Narti snorted out some water and shook her head a few times. After that, Moontow and Narti grabbed some towels to dry themselves off. Narti just stared at the towles in mild annoyance while Moontow happily tried her hair and body.

“Man, I feel awesome. I guess taking your time in the bath isn’t that bad huh? What do you think Narti? Narti?” She looked over to where Narti was and found that the dragon was gone and the bathroom door was open. She suddenly heard a screech coming from somewhere in the house and quickly ran out to see that Lance had fainted on the living room floor with Narti standing over him, soaking wet and holding a towel.

 _“Now is not the time for sleep.”_ Grumbled Natri in annoyance. _“I demand tht you try me.”_

“... Why are you walking around naked?” Asked Moontow. “And what happened to Lance?”

_“He just fell asleep.”_

Moontow nodded knowingly. “Ahh… Must be his parasympathetic nervous system kicking in. He says you go to sleep when it activates, or something.”

_“I see…”_

“What the hell did you two just do to him?” Asked a particularly pissed off looking elf. Keith had just returned from his walk with Krolia. Both were sweating pretty heavily. “Why the hell are you here in the first place?!”

“We came to use the bath.” Said Moontow.

 _“The dragon slender fell asleep.”_

Keith sighed as he put the pieces together. “... Okay, fine… I think I know what happened. Narti, stop being a burden on Lance and dry off by yourself.”

_“I refuse.”_

“And Moontow… Don’t steal anything.”

“Why would you think I’d steal anything?!”

“There are lots of shiny things here.” Said Keith. “If you dare take anything I’ll turn you upside down and shake the shiny things out of your pockets.” 

“I’m not some common thief dang it.”

Keith rolled his eyes and turned around, walking to the bathroom. “Now behave yourselves. Mum and I are gonna have a bath. Just behave yourselves until we come out.”

There was a beat of silence between Moontow and Narti before Moontow grabbed Narti’s towel. “Argh, fine. I’ll dry you off. You’re making the floor all wet.”

_“Thank you.”_

As Moontow dried Narti’s hair, Keith suddenly came running into the lounge room, very pissed, naked, and holding the now empty bottle that Moontow had used. “You little bitch! You used all my shampoo! What the fu-!?” Keith slipped on a puddle of water left behind by Narti. He slipped and headbutted the wall, knocking himself out.

Narti looked over at him. _“... He fell asleep.”_

Moontow nodded in agreement. “Looks like his parasympathetic nervous system kicked in too.” Once the two were dried, they retrieved their now clean clothes from the dryer and left. During this time both Lance and Keith continued to lay where they fell in the lounge room, while Krolia enjoyed a nice quiet bath by herself.


	31. Ghost stories

In a world where diet and exercise were practically mandatory, it was good to relax and let things go for a day. Lance had suggested to Keith that they go to a carnival. It was an evening carnival full of games, stalls and performances. Even a fireworks show later that night.

Krolia declined because she wanted to go for a night run, but Keith was happy to go. So the two of them left and ended up running into Pidge, Lotor and Plaxum. They had all met up earlier on that evening and decided to stick together. Keith was happy to talk to catch up with everyone, but Lotor. He still didn’t get along with Lotor. Lotor didn’t give a fuck.

The group ended up walking around and played some carnival games and watched some shows. None of them had ever seen monster trucks before. They weren’t crushing anything, but they were all done up and looked pretty fancy. The rides were pretty fun too. Pidge and Plaxum loved the rollercoasters.

The group also found a good spot on a hill to watch the fireworks display. It was really beautiful and everyone was mesmerized by this display. But eventually, it was over.

“Man, that was cool.” Said Plaxum. “Glad I met you guys here.”

Lotor nodded in agreement. “It reminds me a little of the lunar equinox festivities back in our world.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“The what?”

“It’s a night time festival.” Said Lotor. “It’s where we celebrate the longest night of the year. It is very fun.”

Lance nodded. “Huh, alright.”

Plaxum grinned. “Yeah. But I guess it’s time to leave now?”

Lance agreed. “Yeah. Well it was nice seeing you guys.” He started to leave with Keith, but he noticed that the others were following them. “Um… You guys need something?”

Lotor shrugged. “Well, since this is like the festivals back home, we might as well indulge in a game most often played on that night.”

“Yeah!” Said Plaxum. “It’s a little hard to translate, but it’s basically called; The shivering in fear, cold sweat, ghost story!”

“... I have several questions…”

***

The group ended up going back to Lance’s place and set up for this weird other world game. They sat around in a circle in the dark with only candles lit. Plaxum seemed really happy about the whole thing and was more than happy to explain what was happening.

“Okay, so this is how it works, we light a hundred candles, sit around, tell scary stories, and blow the candle out once we are done with a story. Once all the candles are out, a ghost will appear.”

“... You want to summon a ghost?” Questioned Lance. They didn’t even have a hundred candles.

“It’s harmless fun.” Said Lotor. “But it is said that the more candles there are the more scary the ghost experience will be once all the candles are out… So, who is going to go first?”

“... I-I’ll go first…” Said Keith.

Lance wondered what kind of scary story Keith was going to say. Probably something from the other world. He had probably seen so many horrors there that Lance himself couldn’t comprehend. He was getting shivers already.

Keith cleared his throat. “So this was when I just came to this world… At dusk, just as I always do, I bought some fries as a snack and I was walking down my favourite path in the park… Ever since I left the store, there was a strange old man following me. He was right on my heels, and also scarfing down some fries… Then he said in a raspy voice _How do they make these fries so tasty?_ I was left bewildered by the sudden question and I answered that the potatoes must be high quality… But he just laughed and said; _Oh? I bet it’s the beef tallow in the cooking oil._ ”

Everyone went quiet, but Lance just looked at him in confusion. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. Lots of places deep fried their food in animal fat. It gave it a better flavour. Keith just looked like he had said the most terrifying story.

“These french fries were made from cows… I knew that the potatoes were made with tender love and care from mother nature’s bosom, but cows… As an elf, how should I feel about this? And that’s what happened.” Keith blew out his candle.

“That was it?” Asked Pidge.

Keith pouted. “Hey, Elves don’t eat meat unless we really have to. I’ve only started eating fish and other white meat because Lance has recommended it. Elves are mostly vegetarian, but we don’t eat red meat. Eating something made from cows is a horror story!”

“I thought it was spooky.” Said Plaxum.

Lotor cleared his throat. “Well, my turn next… This was when I first started working. It was only my second payday… Back then the convenience store was really struggling. To cut costs the wonder kept firing people until I was the only one left. I didn’t know my physical limits, and I did overtime after overtime… But it was finally payday, and all that hard work was about to pay off. I was ecstatic when I saw that payslip, until I checked the overtime pay column… It read $0…”

Lance was shocked by the owner’s scummy practices. “Did you talk to him about it?”

“But of course.” Said Lotor. “He paid me back when I talked to him right away… After I used black magic to fuck with his brain.” Lotor blew out his candle. The dark elf was not one to be messed with.

“My turn!” Said Pidge. “So one day I was out patrolling my territory and I came across a lost child. I helped them find their way back home and the child’s mother was very happy and so was the child. Lots of hugging and crying happened. I thought for sure that they might reward me for such a good deed. Something small. Didn’t have to be big… Then they slammed the front door in my face and pretended I wasn’t there…” She blew out her candle.

“... Um, sorry about that.” Said Lance as he patted her back. Pidge did do a good deed after all.

Plaxum cleared her throat and smirked. “Alright, this story that I’m going to tell you really happened to me… I like to fish for fun, but I wanted to try night fishing. Sometimes the regulars come around this late, but this night I was all alone… I was stuck outside for a while and no fish were biting. I was going to pack everything and go home, but then I got a bite… For a brief moment I was excited, but it looked like a clump of seaweed when I reeled it in… But it looked odd. I reached to take it off the hook, but that’s when I realized that it wasn’t seaweed…”

She paused for dramatic effect as everyone else leaned in. All captivated by her story.

“It was a severed head with two faces.” She said. “It moaned and spluttered up seawater from its sockets and mouths before it wriggled off the hook and swam off into the depths of the bay… The end.”

“... Okay, that’s the scariest story.” Said Pidge. “By a long shot.”

Lance shrugged. “I think Lotor’s one was pretty spooky too.”

“I ate a cow product…” Muttered Keith.

“Did you make yourself vomit after?” Asked Pidge.

“...”

“You ate the rest of the fries and then got more, didn’t you?”

“Shut up…”

Lotor chuckled, and Keith ended up punching his arm. The two elves looked like they were about to fight. Again. Lance was kind of tired of them always fighting

Plaxum nudged Lance’s arm. “You want to tell a story?”

“Um, not really. Never been good at telling scary stories.”

“Ah, fair enough.” Plaxum blew out the candles, plunging the whole room into darkness. “... Nothing happened?”

Lotor sighed. “Well, this stuff never happens you know? We only told four stories after all. Nowhere near the hundred mark.”

“Very true.” Said Keith.

“I’m going to turn the lights on now…” Lance got up and walked over to the light switch and turned it on. He was face to face with Krolia. He let out an undignified screech at her sudden appearance and almost fell over.

Krolia happened to catch him and kept him upright. “Hello everyone. Telling scary stories?”

Plaxum nodded. “Yeah. Trying to summon a ghost. Didn’t work.”

“Ghosts are fickle.” She said. “Well, you should all head home. It’s getting late… Don’t want a spirit following you on the way home.”


	32. Chocolate lovers

Keith happily looked himself over in the mirror. His body was almost back to how it was before. His love handles were gone and there was definition in his muscles again. He actually looked like an elf again and not an elf shaped marshmallow. He jumped on the scales and checked to see if he was close to going home. He was a few pounds away.

He grinned and happily walked out to see Keith. He was sitting round his table trying to teach Shiro and Allura about chocolate. Which was the most absolutely delicious food in the world. Apart from fries of course. Fries were top tier perfection.

“And that is why dark chocolate is better for you to eat than milk or white chocolate.” Said Lance.

Shiro nodded and frowned a little. “So dark chocolate is better because it has less sugar?”

“Yes, and more cocoa.” Siad Lance.

Allura nodded in agreement. “Cocoa is quite lovely. I believe in this world it was either the Aztecs or the Incas that first made use of it?”

“Um, I’m pretty sure it was the Mayans that first made chocolate.” Said Lance. “They made chocolate drinks for celebrations and used as currency. It was apparently thick and frothy. Often combined with chili peppers, honey, or water. In Aztec culture the cocoa bean was considered more valuable than gold.”

“Why are you talking about chocolate?” Asked Keith.

“Valentine’s day is coming up.” Said Lance. “So there’s going to be more and more ads about chocolate and candy popping up on TV, so I thought it might be a good idea to start pushing healthier candy options onto my clients. Anyway, the best kind of dark chocolate you can get is anywhere between 80-85% cocoa. It is rather bitter, but it isn’t unbearably bitter… You can get darker chocolate, but I personally find that really bitter…”

“Chocolate liquor tastes nice…” Muttered Shiro.

“You still need to drink in moderation Shiro.” Said Lance.

Allura hummed a little as she sipped some water. “Is chocolate better if it is made with honey or sugar?”

“Well honey and sugar cane are all natural products anyway so… I guess it’s all about quantity?” Said Lance.

Keith frowned a little and sat next to Lance. “Hey Lance? What is better? Fat from sweet food or savoury food?”

Lance paused for a moment as he thought about this. “Well… If I had to pick one… I’d say getting fat from sugar is worse than getting fat from animal fats… Mostly because sugar can be highly addictive and can also rot your teeth and cause a lot of other health issues. Naturally getting fat from other foods is bad too, but I’ve found sugar addictions are harder to break… That reminds me I need to get Acxa and Zethrid on a high fat diet...”

“Why?” Asked Keith.

“Well you said you need to be the same weight going through the gate from your world to our world.” Said Lance. “They lost a lot of weight looking for Ezor, so now they can’t get back. I’m thinking of getting them to put on some more muscles to bulk up that way, or maybe getting them to eat a few more snacks… I just don’t want them to get addicted to food…”

“Speaking of addictions-” said Shiro. “- you look really good Keith. Are you back to your original weight yet?”

Keith smiled a little and looked down at himself, patting his stomach. “Yeah, I’m close to being able to head back home. Hey, I might even be able to go home by the end of the week?”

Lance grinned and patted him on the back. “That’s awesome man! I’m so excited for you. Good job.”

“Thanks. I really couldn’t have done this without you.”

When Keith said that, Lance became slightly flustered and he looked away from Keith. “Oh, I um… It’s nothing. Really… Just doing my job… So, you’ll be going back to the other world?” He sounded slightly disappointed? Which was odd to Keith. He would have thought that Lance would have been happy for him.

“Yeah. I need to meet up with my group and tell them where I went and where Krolia is.” Said Keith. “But what is Valentine’s day anyway? Some kind of human holiday?”

Lance nodded. “Yeah. Saint Valentine is a saint from the human religion Christianity, specifically Catholicism. He’s associated with love and we celebrate all things love on the day of his death by buying romantic partners or love interests gifts like flowers and chocolates. Which is why I’m trying to stop my clients from having too many chocolates.”

Allura sighed wistfully as she stared off into the distance. A holiday celebrating love… Sounds so beautiful. Do any of you have a lover?”

Shiro smiled. “Yeah. I have my husbands back home.”

“Husbands?” Questioned Lance.

Shiro nodded. “That’s right. I have two husbands. Adam, who is a mountain giant, and Curtis who is a daityas… They are probably going to beat my ass when I get home…”

“So they are all titans?” Asked Lance. “Don’t you fight them like you do with Sendak?”

“Well yeah, but it’s more playful roughhousing before…” Shiro went a little red and awkwardly coughed. “Anyway, the point is when I eventually get back home they are probably going to throw me into the nearest lake…”

“I wonder if they can skip you like a stone?” Mused Keith.

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Quiet you. At least I have a romantic partner. Heck, I have two. Who do you have Keith?”

“No one.” Said Keith calmly. “My only love is potatoes.”

Lance sighed dramatically. “Of course you only love potatoes. Allura, do you have a lover in the other world?”

Allura though for a moment as she drank some more water. “Um… Not really. My species doesn’t really reproduce the same way other beings do. Our reproduction is a lot more like plants than animals. Like most plants I am both male and female. When the weather is right I will release pollen into the air and if I am likely I might be pollinated and produce seeds.”

“Can you fall in love?” Asked Shiro.

“Of course I can.” Said Allura. “It is just a little different from the kind of love other people from our world might have. I have developed crushes on many people. Mostly druids and adventurers that dared walk through my forest… It was interesting, but I was a small sprout at the time, hardly a sapling. My species can take hundreds of years to mature. So I was quite young at the time.” She looked over at Lance. “What about you Lance? Do you have a lover to celebrate Valentine’s day with?”

Lance shook his head. “No. I’m not seeing anyone right now. I’m doing way too much work to go out and see anyone. Plus I have two elves living with me… and there is some stigma around people like me…”

“What kind of stigma?” Asked Keith.

Lance looked slightly embarrassed. “Well… I like more… plump individuals… fatter people.” He muttered. “Some people think you’re horrible for doing that and some people think you’re just doing it for a dare or a joke… Some of my past partners broke up with me because they felt like they weren’t good enough for me, thought I was going to force them to change because of my job, or thought I was just dating them on a dear… It sucked.”

Keith gave him a sympathetic look. “Humans are really wrapped up about their appearances, huh?”

“... Don’t you guys care about appearances?”

Shiro shrugged. “Looks are nice, but strength is a huge factor for us titan races. If you can’t match me in a fight then you aren’t worth my time.”

“I’m more about looks.” Admitted Allura. “Since I use pollen to reproduce all I really care about is looks followed by personality.”

“Hunting prowess is big for me.” Said Keith. “But personality and looks are nice too. I just want someone that can hunt, gather, and all that kind of stuff. Someone that knows how to take care of themselves and others… Anyway, I’m gonna go and watch TV. Later.” Keith got up and headed to the lounge room to watch TV.

***

Later that week at breakfast; Lance, Keith, and Krolia were sitting around the table eating breakfast, when Lance cleared his throat. “So, today is Valentine’s day. It’s a human holiday where people give those they love chocolate and flowers. So… here.” Lance went to the fridge and took out two chocolate bars. “Here. Happy Valentine’s day.”

The elves were a little surprised. Krolia looked at the bar and poked it with her spoon. “Is this a test?”

“What? No.” Lance sighed a little. “Okay, so I like the two of you. You’re both doing really well and Valentine’s day, while technically a romantic holiday, is also one that can be celebrated with friends. So, enjoy this chocolate today. It’s 70% dark chocolate.”

“I thought that 80-85% was better for you?” Questioned Keith.

“Well yeah, but a lot of people don’t like it that dark. It’s okay. Consider today a cheat day.” Lance went about packing some extra chocolate bars into his lunch that day to give out to some of his clients from the other world. “Well, enjoy your treats. Keith, we’re weighing in tomorrow, so don’t eat too much. I’ll be back later.”

Before he left he heard Krolia saying to Keith; “Do you think there is more of this in the fridge?”

***

When Lance got back after work he couldn’t help but let out an annoyed sigh. Both Krolia and Keith seemed to have veged out in the lounge room and eaten any chocolate they could have found. They seemed to have taken cheat day to the extreme.

“And I think you just blew your diet…” Lance muttered. Neither elf seemed to care as they were in a chocolate filled coma.


	33. Goal achieved

“I… I did it…” Said Keith as he looked down at the scales.

Lance also looked at the scale and grinned. “You did it.”

“Heck yeah! I did it!” Keith high fived Lance with a smile. Over the past few… Lord knows how long, it felt like years, Keith had worked himself down from a soft elf boy back to his original physique. Which Lance had to admit was very hot. Just as hot as his chubby elf self.

“Good job Keith.” Said Lance. “All that hard work and dedication really paid off. I’m so proud of you.”

“Aw, thanks.” Keith looked down at himself and touched his stomach. He seemed pleased to see his abbs again. “I guess this means I can probably head home now? Kolivan’s gonna be pissed that we were gone for so long… He’s gonna kick my ass… off a cliff… again.”

“Again?” Questioned Lance.

“Yeah, not important. What is important is that I am skinny again!”

“Yeah, I guess this means you’re going to start packing now?”

Keith nodded. “Yeah, and I gotta say goodbye to everyone before I go, but don’t worry, I’ll be back for fries every now and then.”

“Please don’t get fat again after you just lost all that weight…”

Keith stuck his tongue out at him and went about getting ready to go out and say goodbye to everyone else. He was so happy and Lance was happy for him too. Keith had reached his goal and was ready to go home to the other world. It was a bittersweet moment. He wanted to keep seeing Keith, but he wouldn’t stay here. He’d probably just be coming back for the fries and maybe to visit Krolia and his friends.

Lance flopped down onto the couch and stared up at the ceiling as he heard Keith happily walk by and out the door. The thought of Keith leaving left Lance feeling empty. He had grown very fond of the once chubby elf. He might not have been the brightest and was addicted to french fries, but he was nice. He made each day fun, if not a little stressful.

He’d miss seeing Keith in the morning and cooking for him. He’d miss working out with Keith and helping him get healthy. Keith was a really fun and interesting individual. It was going to be kind of quiet without him. Krolia was rather quiet and still scared the heck out of him. But he could put more effort into her getting over her ice cream addiction.

Just thinking of her seemed to summon her. She was leaving over the couch looking down at him. “Where did Keith go?”

Lance jumped a little and looked up at her. “Oh um… Keith hit his goal. He’s going to go back to your world soon…”

“Oh, that is good. Kolivan and the rest will feel better knowing that he is fine and that I am okay.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty close to your goal too huh?”

Krolia nodded and looked down at her stomach. There was still some pudge there. “Yes… Though I think most of my fat is somewhere else…”

“Yeah? Where?”

Krolia grabbed both of her breasts and squeezed. “My chest area is unfortunately still larger than it originally was. It makes wearing my breastplate uncomfortable.”

Lance’s face went bright red. “W-we can work on that!” He squeaked. “I um… S-some kind of arm stretch to reduce breast size! Working out the pectorals!”

Krolia nodded in agreement. “I shall leave you to develop an exercise regime that fits these requirements. I am going to go for a walk.”

“... You aren’t going to get ice cream from Bad Burger are you?”

“Of course not.” Said Krolia. “The ice cream machine at that place is always broken.” She put on a hat and walked out the door.

When she was gone, Lance relaxed into the couch again and quietly wondered what was going to happen when Keith was gone. He missed him already and he wasn’t sure why. Keith was cute, sexy, and a badass. Usually because of his chubby chaser preferences he found his clients less attractive as they dropped the weight, but with Keith… He never did. He still found Keith just as attractive now as he did then. He didn’t know if he should tell Keith how he feels about him since he’s kind of no longer his client.

Maybe he shouldn’t say anything? Keith probably didn’t like him like that anyway. Not that Lance could blame him. He was from the other world after all, and an elf. He probably didn’t find humans very attractive anyway.

***

In the park at dusk, everyone had gathered around to say goodbye to Keith. Even Nyma showed up, though she was standing behind a tree a bit away from everyone else and glared. Which was actually kind of nice. At least she cared enough to see him off.

Shiro quickly pulled Keith into a hug. “I’ll miss you!”

Keith squirmed a little in his arms. “I’ll miss you too Shiro. Now let me go.”

Hunk was trying hard not to cry. “We’re going to miss you buddy.”

“Come back anytime.” Said Pidge. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t.” Keith squirmed out of Shiro’s arms and looked over at Lance. He smiled gently at him and quickly embarrassed him in a hug. “Thank you Lance, for everything. I’m really going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too Keith… You know you can come back any time, right? My home is your home.”

“Thanks, and if you can get some magic in you you’re welcome to come to my world.”

“Yeah… Keith I…” Lance wanted to say something, but his throat went dry. “I hope you have a safe trip.”

Keith grinned. “Yeah. I’ll come back soon. Have some fries waiting for me?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Keith got pulled away by some of the other people who wanted to say goodbye to him. There were some dramatic tears and lots of hugs. When the hugs were over, Keith walked over to the door to the other world and opened the door. He looked behind him one more time and waved before he stepped inside and the doors closed behind him. Everything was quiet, but there was a little flash of light through the cracks in the door.

“Well, Keith made it home.” Said Krolia. “Hopefully he will make it back to Kolivan and inform him of the situation.”

Romelle sniffled. “Man, that was… I miss him already!”

“Me too.” Said Allura. “This world seems less fun now that he is no longer here…”

“We shouldn’t be upset!” Proclaimed Ezor. “We should be happy! Keith reached his goal despite being addicted to fries! If he can do this we can do it! Let’s celebrate Keith’s victory!” The others cheered in agreement. “By eating ramen!”

Zethrid put her hand on Ezor’s head. “No.”

“B-but!”

“... You may have a little ramen.” 

The group started to walk away from the door while talking about going out to celebrate somewhere. Lance stayed looking at the door, feeling some regret for not saying anything to Keith. Hopefully when Keith came back he could tell him the truth. That he… That Lance had feelings for him.

***

Back in the other world Keith quickly found his tribe and explained to Kolivan what happened. Kolivan was not very happy that both Keith and Krolia became victims to the human world’s trap, that is, food. Keith was quickly put back on the hunting party and was put with Thace and Ulaz to hunt for fish.

Keith went with them, but he was kind of disinterested in this and took to laying on a rock while the two older elves were standing in a stream with spears. Thace wasn’t very thrilled about Keith’s lazy attitude.

“Come on Keith.” Muttered Thace. “Get off your ass and help.”

“Humans get food from fancy cool markets called grocery stores.” Muttered Keith. “It was so good… They didn’t just have meat there. They had this tasty sweet stuff called chocolate. So much better than honey...”

Ulaz paused for a moment as he looked over at Keith. The man had always had a sweet tooth and was able to hoard honey for both its medicinal and consumption purposes. “Better than honey?”

“So much better than honey. Caramel too. It’s amazing.”

“How is it better than honey?”

“You have to taste it to understand.” Said Keith. He sighed and sat up, scratching the back of his head. “The savoury food they have is amazing too. Lance introduced me to white meat. I’ve eaten some pork, which was good. Bacon is amazing. Nice and salty.”

“... Salt?” Questioned Thace. 

“Yeah. Salt is delicious. Humans have so many different condiments, herbs, and spices. It’s delicious. Garlic is a gift from the gods. Rosemary too! It’s amazing! Seriously, when I go and visit Krolia you two should come with me. It’ll be amazing.”

Thace nodded a little. “So… Is red meat normal in the human world?”

“Thace!” Hissed Ulaz. “We talked about this. Red meat is only for emergencies when no other food is available.”

The other elf shrugged and crossed his arms. “I can’t help it. Red meat is delicious and I found I had a taste for it.”

Keith nodded. “Yeah, you might like this human food called... hamburgers. It’s a beef patty, some salad, maybe bacon, some sauce. Best of all? It comes with fries. Beautiful, delicious, golden ingots of perfection.” Keith felt his stomach growl. “Man, I miss fries… Oh! I actually know how to cook some! Lance taught me! Do we have any oil back at camp?”

“Yeah, but we don’t have potatoes.” Said Ulaz.

Keith sighed dramatically and flopped back onto the rock. “Damn it… We need to find potatoes… Potatoes are so good…”

“How does one make caramel?” Asked Ulaz.

Keith shrugged. “I think you use a thing called sweetened condensed milk?”

“... How does one condense milk?” Questioned Ulaz.

Thace shrugged. “Put it in a small waterskin?”

As the two older elves argued about how to condense milk, Keith thought back to cooking with Lance. It was fun. Just being around Lance was fun. He was always patient with him even when he did call him out of his bullshit. He wanted to eat fries with Lance again. Lance was a good guy. A friend. Someone he cared about. Suddenly the thought of eating fries again wasn’t all consuming in Keith’s mind.

Lance’s smile… Lance’s laugh… The way he cheered him on and the way he scolded him… Keith was feeling empty again. A similar empty feeling he got when he hadn’t eaten fries in a long time, but it wasn’t caused by the lack of fries this time. He didn’t know he could feel like this when he wasn’t craving those delicious golden ingots. He missed Lance. A lot.

“Hey, do you think that Kolivan would be okay with me going to the other world to visit Krolia so soon?”

Ulaz shrugged. “Maybe? But he probably will send someone with you so you don’t get tempted by fries and get stuck in the human world again.”

Keith pouted. “Fine.”

***

It had been a few weeks since Keith had left for the other world, and Lance was still doing his job taking care of his other patients. Things were pretty intense. He had started to get Sendak and Shiro into boxing each other. It was really intense, but they both got a good work out and it was an excuse to beat each other up. The pool got fixed so Lance was able to get Hunk, Plaxum and Shay into swimming. Shay preferred to float, but this was a start. Lotor had become quick friends with Ezor, Acxa, Zethrid, and Narti. They would often go on walks and hikes together. Lance was able to get Pidge and Moontow to do obstacle courses by hiding shiny things in the course. Romelle and Allura seemed to be receptive to dance classes, so he let them do that. He even managed to talk to Nyma by accident and gave her some pamphlets about healthy cooking classes she could attend.

In retrospect, intense was an understatement. Lance felt wiped out and dead tired. Krolia was still living with him and, although still kind of scary, she would help him keep his home clean and actually made sure he was taking care of himself. It was nice that she was doing that. She seemed to be paying him back for helping Keith.

After seeing his latest patient, Lance checked the clock and was happy to see that it was lunch time. “Hey Rachel, I’m heading out for lunch now.”

“Okay Lance. Bring me back a bottle of juice?”

“Orange or apple?”

“Pineapple?”

“Yeah sure.” Lance headed out and walked down the street. He passed a Bad Burger and paused. He couldn’t remember how many times he and Keith went there, even after they found out that Nyma worked there and was actively trying to sabotage them. For old time sake Lance decided to go there for lunch.

He got a small meal and sat at an empty booth next to a group of men. Lance picked up a chip and thought about Keith. He felt kind of bad that he had to return to a world without his favourite food. But he was sure that Keith was probably cooking some fries up right now and introducing the other elves in his group to fries.

“Hey, slow down already.” Muttered a voice from the table next to him.

“Let me eat my bugers in peace. You just eat your caramel sundae. Stop judging me. Where is Antok?” 

“In the bathroom. He drank too much of that soda stuff. He really likes the black one, even though it looks like a plague potion. Who took all my nuggets?”

“Wasn’t me.” Said a familiar voice. “All I want is the fries.”

Lance quickly whipped his head around and stared in shock as he saw Keith, stuffing his face with fries with what he assumed were other elves from his group. Keith was a little chubby again and the other elves didn’t seem too skinny either.

“K-Keith?!”

Keith looked over at Lance in surprise. “Lance! I was going to come and see you when we were done here. By the way, this is Thace, Ulaz, Kolivan, and Antok is in the bathroom.”

Lance was happy to see Keith again, but he was shocked to see he had fallen off the wagon and gained weight again. It couldn’t have been healthy to keep losing and putting on weight like that.

“I… I’m glad to see you again, but… What the heck happened?”

Ulaz put down his ice cream and cleared his throat. “Well, Keith wished to visit Krolia and Kolivan,” he gestured to the intimidating looking man eating chicken nuggets. “We wanted to make sure that Keith wouldn’t fall into his vice and get stuck in this world again but… It seems as though we have all been tempted by this world’s foods. For me it’s caramel. For Thace, hamburgers. Kolivan, chicken nuggets. Antok, sodas… And of course Keith still loves fries.”

Lance face palmed. “Are you serious? Keith, I thought you knew better than this.”

Keith pouted. “Well yeah, but I know I can lose weight this time. I did it once and I can do it again! I can eat as many fries as I like and then I can burn the fat all over again!” Lance kind of wanted to strangle Keith at this point. “Plus… I kind of missed you…”

“... What?”

Keith shrugged. “I kind of figured that you might not like it if I was here just for a visit and you know… stayed… So I put some weight on and… Will you help me lose weight again?”

Lance was kind of shocked, but kind of flattered. “Keith… You didn’t have to gain weight just to keep being with me. I um… I kind of like you…”

“I like you too.” Said Keith. “It was boring in the other world without you there and-”

“Are you two going to kiss already or what?” Asked Kolivan. This made the two men blush. Kolivan just shrugged and ate some more nuggets. “What? You two clearly like each other. I’ve only just met the human and I know you two like each other.”

“W-well it wouldn’t be professional if I dated a client…” Mumbled Lance.

“You want to date me?” Asked Keith in surprise.

“Maybe…”

“... I kind of want to date you too… You like me even though I’m fat?”

“Of course I do… So I can’t help you lose weight.”

Keith was shocked. “What?!”

“We can’t have that of a client patient relationship anymore if we are going to date. I can still help you lose weight, but as your boyfriend instead?”

Keith blushed a little. “C-can I kiss you?”

Lance blushed a little as he moved a little closer to Keith. They leaned in close to each other, their lips gently touching. It was soft and chast, and Lance was kind of surprised that his first kiss with Keith was in a fast food place.

“What’s all this?” Asked a new voice. Lance looked up to see a giant of a man looking down at them.

“Hey Antok.” Said Thace. “This is the mysterious Lance that Keith has been talking about. They are also now dating… And Lance is going to help us lose weight.”

“Ah, okay. I can’t figure out how we put on this much weight so quickly.” Antok picked up his large soda from the table and quickly drained it. “... These cups are so small… I’m getting a refill.” He wandered over to the free refill machine. As he did so, Lance facepalmed. He was going to have to teach these elves how to diet.


End file.
